Fat Guy Robs Ichiro Of Amazing Catch

Ichiro is robbed by a dimwitted lard ass. (AP/Jim Bates)
Ichiro is robbed by a dimwitted lard ass. (AP/Jim Bates)

There’s really no nice way to put this, so I’ll just summarize.

Yankee DH Hideki Matsui is up to bat in the top of the eighth inning. He connects on a pitch from Garrett Olson and hits a long fly ball to the right-center field gap.

Mariners right fielder Ichiro Suzuki sprints to the warning track, does a Jackie Chan leap onto the top of the fence, poises himself, and prepares to make one of the greatest catches in the history of the universe.

Simultaneously, a fat guy sitting in the front row of outfield seats gets up and decides to exercise for what appears to be the first time in months. Noticing that a wayward baseball happens to be headed his way, he decides that he’ll attempt to put his glove to good use and catch it.

With complete disregard for one of the greatest baseball players in the world balanced mere centimeters from his outstretched belly, the idiotic fat guy reaches out and metaphorically snatches defeat from the jaws of victory, while literally stealing an out from the Seattle Mariners and Ichiro.

Like a champion, Ichiro spares this man’s life as he coolly retakes his position in right field.

Like a moron, the idiotic fat guy cheers his conquest, then stupidly flings the ball back onto the playing surface. Really? Like that actually makes up for you being a total jackass? No. I don’t think so.

Fact of the matter is, this guy should be banned from attending sporting events for the rest of his life. If he were a video game character, his awareness level would be negative, and his physicality would barely register a zero.

We punish streakers and drunks, but not this fool, a man who tampered with what was destined to be a great moment in baseball history. It’s a travesty. A travesty that this loser was at the game, and a travesty that he’ll be allowed in again in the future.

If you know this man or see this man, please kick him in the balls on behalf of Ichiro and Mariners fans all around the world. No one deserves it more right now. That is all.

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