Reliving Past Relationships With The New Mariners

Jack Wilson, MILF
Jack Wilson, MILF

The Seattle Mariners added a bunch of new faces in the past week, and some of you out there are still in the dark as to who these guys really are.

That’s why we’ve decided to help you out by breaking down the M’s latest acquisitions in terms everyone can understand.

From the young to the old, we have the info on how the new guys stack up against the girls you used to have a thing for. Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

Ian Snell, RHP, Acquired From Pittsburgh

Snell is the girl from high school that wasn’t part of the in-crowd, but that every guy knew was hot.

She had the look, she had the attitude, she had it all…except the right friends. That alone made her out of bounds for most guys with egos on the line.

The funny thing is, after high school she moved onto college, ditched her weirdo pals behind, and fully blossomed into the hottie we all knew she’d become. She graduated from being a small fish in a small pond, to being a big fish in a big pond. Strange how those things work out.

Likewise, Snell has graduated from being a small fish in the small pond of Pittsburgh, to being a bigger fish in the bigger pond of Seattle. We all know he can succeed here. He has the talent and the tools to do it, and he’s finally left those weirdo Pirate buddies of his behind. Now it’s just time to blossom.

Jack Wilson, SS, Acquired From Pittsburgh

Wilson is a MILF, a cougar, or whatever else you would dub an older woman who’s still got some game.

Sure, he’s aging a bit at 31, but that hasn’t slowed him down any. Just like your typical cougar, he’s making plays on balls that most people his age can’t get to. That takes some true skill.

On top of that, he can still knock the ball around the park a bit and is only a couple years removed from his prime, when he banged out more dingers than any year before or after.

Jack Willy might not look the part, but he knows what’s up. Certified MILF status. Can’t beat it.

Luke French, LHP, Acquired From Detroit

French is the girl you took to the prom on a whim.

He’s projected as a back-end-of-the-rotation guy, which basically tells us that he can produce, but might not stick. Funny, because your prom date was a girl that could produce, too, but wasn’t necessarily the answer you were looking for long-term.

Sure, she was fun for one night (and maybe part of the next morning), but that didn’t have you rushing out to put a ring on that finger.

Just like how the M’s will get use out of French for the time being, then five or six years down the road flirt with the idea of a contract extension before letting someone else overpay for his services.

Mauricio Robles, LHP, Acquired From Detroit

Robles is the bomb girl you “dated” in middle school. And by “dated” I mean went to the roller rink with and shared a Slurpee or two.

You remember that girl. The one that every hormonal, pubescent teenage guy knew would be an absolute sexpot by the time she grew up. The one every guy in the seventh grade wanted to talk to, to hang out with, to get to know.

That’s Robles in a nutshell. He’s hot now because of all his otherworldly potential. His 95 MPH fastball, the comparisons to greats like Johan Santana. He can be special. He just needs to mature first.

The odds say these types of things will work out.

Just like that girl ended up becoming a future Playboy playmate by the time she hit college, Robles, with any luck, should become a top-of-the-rotation pitcher in a few short years.

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