Top 11: Sports Fans We Love To Hate, Part II

foulballkidAs they say in the rap game, it’s the remix!

Back in March we brought you the first edition of the Top 11 Sports Fans We Love To Hate, and it was an instant hit. To date, it’s our most viewed post in the history of the site and was reproduced on Sports Illustrated’s SI.com, among a number of other websites.

Naturally, we had to follow up with a second Top 11 devoted to all those annoying patrons of sport who didn’t make our first list. On to the show…

11. The Kid Who Requests The Foul Ball From The Adult Who Caught It

Vital Signs: Under the age of 12; seated near an adult with good reflexes and soft hands; has seemingly everyone in the ballpark on his side.

Reason we hate them: These days, if you’re over the age of 18 and you happen to be lucky enough to catch a foul ball at a baseball game, you’re almost obligated to hand it over to a kid who has done nothing to warrant such a gift.

Blessed with a sense of entitlement given to him by parents who can’t say “No,” The Kid Who Requests The Foul Ball From The Adult Who Caught It is the worst kind of bastard there is. A thief that has been given free rein by society to steal as much as he likes.

Attention kids: If you want to catch a ball at a baseball game, then bring your glove and get out to batting practice. No need to hijack the trophy of another fan who just had his most fortuitous moment in history.

And as for the rest of you, you bandwagoners in attendance that support this evil monkey in his quest to rob from the poor and give to himself, shame on you. No need to boo the fan who just made a killing by snagging that foul pop up. He need not give away that ball to anyone who comes clamoring for it. It’s his and his alone. What if it was you that made the catch? You wouldn’t want 50,000 people booing you. Think about that next time.

10. The Aisle Crawler

Vital Signs: Sitting in the middle of the aisle; has a urinary problem; really likes to eat stadium food.

Reason we hate them: The Aisle Crawler can’t sit still for more than five minutes, and everyone sitting on either end of the row knows it.

The AC finds his seat, then immediately heads to the bathroom for a piss break.

Two minutes later, the AC returns, sits, then decides it’s time to eat.

Ten minutes after that, the AC is back with food, but wouldn’t you know it, not five minutes later he’s gotta drop a deuce.

A short while later the AC returns with toilet paper stuck to his shoe and obscures your view as your favorite player hits a grand slam home run, throws down an instant YouTube sensation dunk, scores a record-breaking goal, or sets the all-time record for touchdown receptions in a career.

Worse yet, the AC apologizes every time he gets up and shimmies his way through the people who didn’t come to the game just to eat, piss, and crap. With each person he oozes around on his way to the concourse, he mutters a brief, “Sorry” under his breath.

Sorry?

Sorry?!

If you were sorry, you wouldn’t keep getting up, bitch, now sit the @%!* down!

9. The Cynic.

Vital Signs: Dressed in home team’s attire, but not cheering; has a buddy that laughs at everything he says; looks like a smart ass.

Reason we hate them: Even when things are going well for the hometown nine/five/eleven/six, the Cynic is in doubt.

Determined to one-up every great play with a crack about the inevitable demise of the player involved, the Cynic isn’t really funny so much as he’s a quick-witted pessimist who makes the worst out of every situation.

Sitting near the Cynic can quickly get old. It takes a strong man or woman not to turn around and punch the Cynic in the face by game’s end.

The problem with the Cynic is he’s always right, and therefore can never be thwarted. Should his team win, he’s a proud supporter of a victorious ballclub. Should his team lose, then he’s the Nostradamus of sports fans, having predicted this defeat from his bittersweet vantage point.

Just as guilty as the Cynic, himself, in contributing to the Cynic’s behavior is the always-present Cynic’s Buddy. Cynic’s Buddy fuels the fire by laughing like the dimwitted lemming he is at every wise-ass remark the Cynic makes. Cynic’s Buddy might just be at the game for the free ticket that the Cynic provided, but that’s no excuse for his lack of a brain.

pda8. The PDA Artists

Vital Signs: Travel in pairs; very affectionate with PDA partner; oblivious to the fact that they are amongst 10,000-80,000 other people.

Reason we hate them: We can get our softcore porn from the internet. We don’t need it at sporting venues, too.

And yet when we’re in the presence of the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) Artists, we can almost hear the opening sequence of the theme song from Shaft in the backs of our brains.

Mixed in with bounce passes, halfback draws, and 3-2 curveballs are two ugly people rounding second base and heading for third in a freaky game of inappropriate touching that nobody wants to see.

Lock up your children and avert your eyes with the PDA Artists around. They’re going to do everything they can to gross out all 50,000 people in attendance by manipulating the JumboTron KissCam to showcase the tricks they can do with their tongues.

I think I feel my nachos coming up…

7. The Guy Who Thinks Every Fly Ball Is A Home Run

Vital Signs: Found at baseball games; gullible; overly optimistic; blessed with the eyesight of Mr. Magoo.

Reason we hate them: It’s the second inning and you’re returning to your seat double-fisting a pair of Hefeweizens when you hear the crack of the bat, followed by a scream of unbridled joy behind you.

You look up as the crowd around you leaps to its feet, spurred to action by the cries of, “Go! Go! Get out!” from The Guy Who Thinks Every Fly Ball Is A Home Run.

You spill priceless drops of your $8 beers as you attempt to witness this momentous occasion over the throng of onlookers. Unfortunately, all you see is the center fielder trot in a few steps and camp underneath a lazy popup that he snatches to end the inning.

The fans around you sit down with a sigh, as TGWTEFBIAHR says, “Next time, next time.”

grumpysportsfan6. The Entitled Elitist.

Vital Signs: Middle-aged; often wealthy looking; never smiles; appears to have greater fondness for a root canal than sports.

Reason we hate them: Unless you’re super old or handicapped, there are certain points in every game where the crowd rises to its feet to cheer on the home team. That’s the rule. The Entitled Elitist is the exception to that rule.

The Entitled Elitist purchased his or her seat to sit in it….all game long. Standing is not part of the deal.

On top of that, at no other point during the game does the Entitled Elitist show any emotion whatsoever. He or she just sits and glares, like your bitter high school math teacher after you just made the joke of the century about Pythagoras.

Like a robot of some sort, the Entitled Elitist doesn’t eat, drink, or get up to use the bathroom, as if he or she has been cryogenically frozen to his or her seat, Austin Powers style.

If you’re an Aisle Crawler, don’t try and work your way past the Entitled Elitist, either. The Entitled Elitist isn’t moving for anyone or anything, and will literally sit there motionless as you give him or her a veritable lapdance on the way to the concourse.

5. The Picnic Lunch From Home Family.

Vital Signs: Armed with storage coolers and backpacks full of ice; carrying half the contents of their kitchen on their person; usually dressed like ex-hippies.

Reason we hate them: The Picnic Lunch From Home Family is simply too much. It’s one thing to bring a small snack from home, or maybe sneak in cans of Coke or Bud Light, but to somehow manage to fill a cooler full of hummus sandwiches, rice cakes, and organic apple juice and get it past security is beyond most sports fans.

Not so for TPLFHF.

The fact is, not only is stadium food too pricey for them (something most of us can relate to, for sure), but it’s also too unhealthy and frankly, too barbaric. TPLFHF doesn’t eat at restaurants, either, so squeezing in a meal immediately before or after the game is completely out of the question.

It’s a wonder TPLFHF is even present at a sporting event, seeing as how they would appear to be more interested in stage versions of our favorite classic movies, or the fact that their kids may or may not even be allowed to touch a ball of any sort.

At least we can keep ourselves entertained during the down time by waiting to see what TPLFHF will pull out of their clown car lunch box next. Tofu, anyone?

IMG000494. Wrong Sport Jersey Guy

Vital Signs: Male; wearing the jersey of a sports team that does not even play the sport they are in attendance to watch.

Reason we hate them: Imagine you’re at a Chicago Bulls game and a guy shows up wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey. Sure, we can all appreciate the hometown support, but you really couldn’t find it in your heart to wear the clothing of the team you actually came to watch play?

We get it, Wrong Sport Jersey Guy, you’re a good-intentioned hometown fan who happens to really, really like one, specific jersey, no matter if that team happens to be playing on this particular day or not.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t shake our heads at you, either.

There’s really no excuse for this sort of behavior. If you have the money to spend on a jersey for another local sports team (which is usually upwards of $50, at least), then you should have a few extra bucks to purchase a cheap t-shirt bearing the logo of the team you’ve come to witness in action.

It’s not that difficult. You’re just stubborn.

3. The Guy Whose Friend Called To Tell Him That The TV Video Camera Is Pointed Directly At Him During Certain Points In The Game.

Vital Signs: Constantly on his cell phone; waves at what would appear to be nothing in certain, very specific situations; gets excited about stupid crap.

Reason we hate them: There are few people that irk us more than TGWFCTTHTTTVCIPDAHDCPITG. Probably because we can be plagued by this idiot when at the game, or when we’re sitting at home watching the game on TV. You can’t get away from this fool.

It never ceases to amaze me how many season ticket holders are absolutely giddy over the fact that when a right-handed batter strolls to the plate and the camera from the first base camera well angles towards that batter to get a profile shot, that means I’M ON TV RIGHT NOW!!!!! Cue the insane waving.

Perhaps even worse than this is when a couple of idiots find themselves in the first few rows behind home plate and make it a point to wave to all their at-home friends on every single pitch that gets delivered. What I wouldn’t give to see a well-placed fastball land right on the fence in front of those goobers.

It’s one thing to casually wave for the cameras once or twice if someone lets you know you’re on TV, but every single time? Really? How old are you?

2. Upper Deck Ump/Ref/Official Jockey

Vital Signs: Sitting in the upper level of the stadium/arena; yells at the umpires/referees/officials on a frequent basis, thinking that they can actually hear him from this vast distance.

Reason we hate them: It’s one thing to pick on the umps/refs/officials if you’re sitting in the lower level. You scream loud enough and one of them might actually be able to make out something you’ve said.

But when you’re in the upper deck, everything changes.

First off, the only people who can hear your raging insults at this altitude are the folks sitting around you. And frankly, nobody cares about what you have to say.

We’ve all heard the, “You’re blind, blue!” or “Glasses, stripes, glasses!” remarks countless times in our sports viewing careers, and hearing it fifty more times today from you is just out of our realm of tolerance.

I mean, what do you really have to gain here? Best-case scenario, the lead ref stops play, looks up at you in the nosebleeds and shouts, “Shut the hell up, jackass!”

But that will never happen, so really you, and everyone around you, are stuck in a lose-lose situation. That’s no fun.

ymca1. Backwards Y.M.C.A. Chick

Vital Signs: Female; likes to dance; possibly dyslexic; doesn’t know a forwards “C” from a backwards “C.”

Reason we hate them: At most baseball and basketball games (football not as much), you can count on one song to be played at nearly every contest: Y.M.C.A.

As is the case with Y.M.C.A., the song inevitably spurs a dance frenzy when it is blasted over the P.A. system.

While most dudes are content to stand up and put their hands in their pockets as the unofficial gay anthem blares around the stadium, the ladies are set into motion like Bernie, from Weekend At Bernie’s Part One, and of course Part Two.

Gyrating with the help of a beer or two during the opening verse of the song, these women patiently await the chorus of their favorite ’70s megahit. As soon as “It’s fun to stay at the…” gets played, an explosion occurs. Around the arena, women everywhere thrust their hands to the sky spelling out the chorus line, Y-M-C-A.

But soft, what’s this? The “Y” looks good. The “M” is fine. Even the “A” is a-okay. But what’s with that “C”?  That’s no “C.” That “C” is backwards.

Then you notice that roughly half of the amateur dancers in attendance form their “C’s” in the wrong direction. You fool! Don’t you know that you’re supposed to be showing off your “C” to all the people in front of you. It’s supposed to look like a “C” to them, not to you! Damn it!

Irritated by this attitude of neglect towards the alphabet, you sit down and curse The Village People as you wait for the game to resume. Effing “C.”

44 thoughts on “Top 11: Sports Fans We Love To Hate, Part II”

  1. Wrong Sport Jersey Guy

    I honestly don’t get what people are thinking when they dress up in the wrong attire. I saw people decked out in Gonzaga gear at a Mariners game, I’ve seen numerous people just come to Husky games fully decked out in Cougar gear..it just grinds my gears.

  2. What about the guy decked out in Yankee gear when the Mariners play the Rangers? Also gear grinding

  3. What about the guy (and it is always a guy) who periodically tries to get his section to start the wave or a yell, he is his sections personal cheerleader who we ALL try and ignore. Obnoxious.

  4. We actually had a guy yell at us on opening day that we weren’t real fans because we weren’t joining in on the wave in the bottom of the 9th inning with 2 outs. Someone near us had a pretty damn good comeback that shut the wave guy up though.

  5. Ballparks should install wave snipers in the rafters or rooftops of every stadium. Not to kill people, but simply to stun them.

  6. There are probably more, but you sure covered a good number. The wrong jersey guy is one of the worst. Of course, I myself have never demonstrated any of those behaviors….

  7. What about the “drinks beer through a straw” chick? Just because the beer comes in a plastic cup instead of a beer bottle doesn’t mean you drink it like a Coke.

  8. there is an acceptable excuse for wrong sport jersey guy. if you have the privilege of attending two sporting events in the same day then it is acceptable to be wearing a jersey from one of them while attending the other, you shouldn’t have to carry a change of clothes with you when out for a full day of boozing and spectating. example: the cubs played a day game this year on the same day that the blackhawks playoff run kicked off at night. there were many people at wrigley in blackhawks gear and absolutely no one was offended

  9. Great article. Have to read part 1. Season ticket holder since 1993 for the Patriots. have seen a lot of above in person!!

  10. Man, it’s all about the guy wearing your rivals jersey at a game of your team against another team that is not your rival. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen one or two asshole Jets fans at a game where the Dolphins are playing the Ravens or something. Idiots! Why would you pay money for that???

  11. I hate the Wrong Sports Jersey Guy. I see different variations of it all the time. I went to a Rays/Twins game, and what do I see? A Marlins jersey. What? You can’t grab any baseball jersey and wear it to the game. But that’s not as bad as the Wrong Sports Jersey Guy I saw at a Rays/Indians game. One guy was wearing a Browns jersey…but this was a special one. It was number 23 with the name LeBron on the back. Yes, a wrong sport jersey with the name and number of someone on it from yet an entirely different sport. A basketball player’s name and number on a football jersey at a baseball game. How wrong can you get?

  12. I definitely agree with #4, the wrong jersey. Oh how many times I’ve seen Ravens or UMD jersey’s at O’s games or Steelers gear at Pirates games. Just buy a T-shirt for crying out loud and support the team you’re coming to see.
    The other peeve is wearing a your teams jersey for a city/team not even playing…like you’re proving your a baseball fan; just don’t care for those teams. Just because you’re at a baseball game between the Pirates and Nationals doesn’t mean you have to let everyone know you’re a Yankees fan by wearing their jersey.

  13. i agree with those that referenced idiots that wear jerseys of teams not actually playing in that clip where big baby davis runs over that kid on the sidelines, you can see a moron wearing a lebron jersey at an orlando-boston game. i knew a dude who wore a raiders jersey to every texans game even though the texans have only hosted the raiders once.

    what about the guy who jeers, hoots and hollers at the opposing batters….from centerfield?

  14. The kid who requests the foul ball is the WORST! He has his whole life to catch a ball and has no right to ask for one from some older fan who has always wanted to but never caught a ball. When I was growing up in the 80s, the players and ball boys never threw balls into the crowd. If a kid wants a ball he should go to http://www.zackhample.com and learn the best ways to snag one. FYI – best way to shut the kid and the fans who demand you give him the ball up – tell them the ball if for your kid at home! Even if you do not have kids. By their own merits they cannot argue against this point.

  15. Great article till the “Backwards Y.M.C.A. Chick”. Are you kidding me? who cares about a C that is facing the wrong way, how OCD can you be to let that bug you? I can handle it on the list but #1? thats ridiculous.

  16. Along the same lines as Wrong Sport Jersey Guy — is wrong team jersey guy — like the jackass who wears a Cowboys jersey to a Redskins-Broncos game. There is a reason everyone hates you…

  17. While at a Reds / Cards game a few years ago in Cincinnati, I snared a foul ball from Sean Casey. My wife is a paralegal, and we were attending the game with people from the law firm at which she worked. I gave the baseball to the young son one of the firm’s partners . After all, what am I going to do with it. Besides, he was really stoked that a ball came so close to him.

  18. Both lists are great. I enjoyed reading both.

    For the third list, I would add the fan who goes to extremes to catch a foul ball by leaping from one section into the seats and the fans seated there to grab a ball. Then holds it up high and taunts those people around him who he has either knocked out or has injured. Then he struts all the way back around the stadium to his section.

    Another fan I hate to see on the jumbotron and on tv during a game is one of the players wives or some other family member. Most times they look bored like they had to be there because their husband/son/brother is a player and they have these great seats. Who cares what the star athlete’s wife looks like? I got so sick of seeing Kurt Warner’s wife that I would change the channel whenever they would show her with her boy’s haircut.

    Forgotten tool: Remember when Tom Brady wore a NY Yankees hat?

  19. PDA Artists wouldn’t be so bad if they were ever good looking, like two hot lesbians or something.

    But no, it’s always some middle-aged fat and tatted couple that wants the world to know that they finally found true love at a BTO reunion concert after the first three marriages didn’t quite work out.

  20. Awesome Alex! These lists are dead-on and hilarious!

    I’ve always thought M’s play-by-play guy Dave Niehaus was totally number 7.

    “YUNI GETS A HOLD OF ONE, ALL THE WAY BACK…and Jeter will take it in shallow left.”

  21. Admittedly, Niehaus is becoming that guy in his old age. It’s sad, really, because he used to be so dead on when calling games. Even with the occasional faux pas, though, he’s still better than 95% of the broadcasters who get those homer/popup calls right.

    Also this: “But no, it’s always some middle-aged fat and tatted couple that wants the world to know that they finally found true love at a BTO reunion concert after the first three marriages didn’t quite work out.” is flat-out hilarious. Always nice to have a BTO reference in there.

  22. In regards to #4 -Wrong Sport Jersey Guy, what’s the word Seahawk & Sounders jerseys? Same ownership, same colors, same stadium. Sounders wouldn’t be an MLS team without the Seahawk ownership. Sounders jersey at a Seahawk game? Seahawk jersey at Sounders game?

  23. I love number 4. But the twist that I hate more than anything in life is when they wear a team thats a rival. Ex. I go to many Yankee games. Without fail, there are dudes that need to let everyone know they are a fan of Boston or whoever, even when that team is not playing. What is the point? Are you just that much of an asshole. I go to many Met’s games, but I would never wear my Yankee hat unless they were playing. It’s just stupid

  24. I gotta ask, as far the kid and the foul ball, what if the ball hits the kid in the face and pops up and then you catch it? Cause that happened to me at an M’s game, I kinda felt obligated to give the the ball kid on account of he was crying but inside I was thinking damn, son, if you can’t catch it you shouldn’t get it.

  25. Yeah, that’s a tough call. Kid or adult, if someone gets hit hard enough with a foul ball you’re kind of obligated to give it to them. It’s a judgment call though. You’re not gonna hand over a ball that grazes a dude, or bounces off the hands of like five or six guys before you get it. But if someone takes a liner off the shoulder, or gets smacked in the face, you should probably hand it over.

  26. If I’m on the jury for the fan who finally shoots the asshole waving to his buddy who called him on his cell phone, I’m voting not guilty. That asshole has it coming.

  27. 12. Guy who uses acronyms too much.
    Vital signs: GWUATM uses acronyms at every possible moment. Doesn’t realize the when the acronym is 45 letters long, it’s really not helping.

  28. KC, IHOPMTT, BWWYRS, ESTNMHLIITOP? JBIOYHDMINE.

    (Kevin Camp, I had other people mention this too, but what would you rather see, every single title no matter how long it is typed out phonetically? Just because it’s over your head doesn’t mean it’s not effective.)

  29. What the hell is an adult going to do with a caught foul ball? Put it on your dresser? Only excuse for keeping it is to take it home to your own kid.

  30. What about the away team fan from the home team city? It never makes sense to me how someone can be born and raised in one city, but because their uncle was born in Chicago they are a life time Bulls fan (as of the 90’s). Or how about the guy who roots for the Lakers, Yankees, Cowboys, and Red Wings? Pick one city (preferably the one you were born in) and cheer for them.

    Off topic, if the Cubs have had so many years of bad luck, why is it everytime they play in Atlanta I see more Cubs than Braves fans?

  31. I think the “Wrong jersey guy” is acceptable in one instance: If you’re wearing a Professional players college throwback. Seeing a Red #7 Miami(OH) jersey at a Steelers game or a maroon #3 USC jersey at a Bengals game doesn’t bother me at all. I liked the #4 Kentucky jerseys on display at the Boston-Orlando Game supporting Rondo.

    #1-worse if the person is handicapped, worst if it’s a handicapped kid. This happened to a guy in front of me at a Lexington Legends minor league game. Yeah, try not giving a home run to a 10 year old with Cerebral Paulsy.

  32. While I don’t know much about basketball, hockey, or baseball, (other than the basics) and I’m a TN (Titans)/Pro football fanatic, I still found this to be EXTREMELY entertaining.

    Perhaps it’s because I am also a writer who throughly enjoys large doses of wit and sarcasm. Either way, I look forward to reading more of this hilarity!

    annabella@
    http://www.annabellasepiphanies.wordpress.com

  33. About the wrong jersey:

    I remember Chris Johnson killing the Lions this year.
    We all know the Lions suck!
    But, when I went to a Nashville Predators game, I saw about 7 Lions jerseies. We were playing the Red Wings.
    We won that game. All those Lions jersies have to be the reason why.

    Great article!
    -Jace Puckett

  34. Have to have an exception to #2 – Upper Deck Ump/Ref/Official Jockey – one person doing it is stupid, but 500 doing it at once? That can make some noise – witness the bleacher bums at Wrigley, or my beloved Nasty Nest at Thrashers hockey games.

  35. What about the leaner??? I can’t stand that guy in front of me leaning forward so HE can see, then the whole section has to lean forward so THEY can see! Drives me batty for 28 years at the Lakers…lean back and take your hat off!

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