Predicting The Future of the 2009 NFL First-Round Draft Picks

NFL Draft FootballFor lack of better things to do, we’ve come up with this: a Ms. Cleo-esque prediction of the futures ahead for some of the 2009 NFL first-round draft picks. With their corresponding pick in parentheses, we implore you to stick with us as we peek into the coming years. Enjoy.

(1) Matthew Stafford, QB, Detroit Lions. After running out of the end zone not once, but twice for the ’09 Lions, Stafford will set a new rookie record for interceptions in a season and be showered with boos by the ungrateful Lion fans before the final home game of the year. In a post-game interview in late November, Stafford will break down and cry when forced with the notion that he is stuck with Detroit for the next few years.

(3) Tyson Jackson, DE, Kansas City Chiefs. Jackson, who skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks, will find unprecedented success in Kansas City not because of his ample talent or ability, but because his last name is Jackson.

(4) Aaron Curry, LB, Seattle Seahawks. Curry will help turn Seattle’s run defense into the best in football. Though he’ll have a quieter role in the gameplan in year one, he will become a franchise cornerstone in year two and beyond, establishing himself as the best linebacker in the game after Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis retire.

(5) Mark Sanchez, QB, New York Jets. Sanchez will become the first NFL player to announce he is gay while still playing. He will create a divide amongst New Yorkers with this announcement, due to the fact that his play his strong enough to warrant the respect of even the biggest homophobes. Not unlike Harvey Milk, Sanchez will be a leader for the American gay movement and eventually become a world hero for his strength through adversity. Twenty years from now, when a movie is made chronicling his life, the part of Sanchez will be played by equally gay Zac Efron.

(6) Andre Smith, OT, Cleveland Browns. Smith, who has had his off-the-field problems chronicled in depth over the past few weeks, will become the first pro football player to undergo stomach stapling surgery while still active. As pictured during a workout, here’s the “before” image of Smith from earlier this year:

It's a bad sign when your torso is going in four different directions.
It's a bad sign when your torso is going in four different directions.

(7) Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Oakland Raiders. Though he will be plagued by endless comparisons to receiver Michael Crabtree (dammit, Al Davis, Crabtree was still available!) over the course of his career, Heyward-Bey will do his very best to quell the myth that athletes with hyphenated last names simply can’t play. So what if you have two lezbo moms, you go Heywerd-Bey!

(10) Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco 49ers. Playing just across the bey…er, bay…from his positional foil in Darrius Heyward-Bey, Crabtree will become a solid pass-catcher in the mold of a Joey Galloway or Anquan Boldin. Not a Hall of Famer by any means, but just good enough to warrant the diva streak that will eventually follow him wherever he goes throughout his career. Crabtree, who donned jersey No. 5 in college, is already contemplating a name change to “Miguel Cinco.”

alexmack(21) Alex Mack, C, Cleveland Browns. Mack, out of the University of California, will eventually break down in a post-game interview and attack a reporter who references one-time Nickelodeon staple The Secret World of Alex Mack. After enduring years of headlines alluding to the former tweeny-bopper television show, and endless comparisons to a “teenage girl with supernatural abilities,” Mack (the center, not the character) will finally have had enough and rip the head off of a smug, smirking journalist who thinks he’s the first guy to notice the common name between the two.

(22) Percy Harvin, WR, Minnesota Vikings. With lack of better things to do in Minneapolis, Harvin, who was rumored to have tested positive for marijuana, will turn to cocaine and heroin in his time with the Vikings. Upon learning of his problems with drugs, Minnesota will ship the former Florida Gator to the Jacksonville Jaguars.

(27) Donald Brown, RB, Indianapolis Colts. Brown, who is slated to replace the inconsistent Joseph Addai in the Colts’ backfield, will suffer a litany of curious injuries in training camps for years to come. Interestingly enough, all of Brown’s injuries will occur in positional partner drills when working with the aforementioned Addai.

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