They hired Ken Bone without a second thought.
They introduced him as one of their own, the new men’s basketball coach, his own press conference and everything.
They laughed at his jokes, celebrated his glee, and allowed themselves to get excited over his future with the team.
Those cute, naive Cougs.
Little do they know that Bone’s hiring is the penultimate phase in Washington’s master plan to destroy Washington State from the inside-out.
It all began when we gave them ex-Husky women’s basketball coach June Daugherty. She was the Trojan horse. The gift that opened the gates of annihilation.
Left on the doorstep of our unsuspecting neighbors to the east, Daugherty planted the first seed of purple-and-gold amongst a garden of crimson-and-gray.
She took the reins of the Cougars women’s basketball program and marched them to unforeseen heights in just two years. The fall from the top is steep, however.
Next, we graced them with Bone. Coach Lorenzo Romar’s former right-hand man, Bone found his way to the Palouse via Portland State University. In four years with PSU, he led his Vikings to consecutive NCAA Tournament appearances, both of those coming in the latter half of his tenure.
His inevitable employment at Washington State has set the wheels of disaster into motion. He is the Allspark, the engine that will power our weapon of mass destruction.
Now, with the day of reckoning nearing ever closer, early speculation has Bone hiring PSU assistant coach Curtis Allen to occupy the same position at WSU. Allen, of course, is a 2004 graduate of the University of Washington.
Once Curtis bears the Cougar logo, the plot will be complete.
At which point Butch T. Coug, faithful Cougar mascot, will be devoured by a rabid canine set loose by the preordained chain of events.
A flood will then engulf the Washington State campus, whilst an earthquake splits Friel Court in two.
The sky over Pullman will turn a deep shade of violet as an image of Steve Sarkisian, set against the backdrop of cumulonimbus cloud cover and radiated by a golden sheen, will speak to the Cougars in a pacifying tone:
“Do not be afraid, inferior ones. We are not here to harm you. We are here to rescue you. You will do the wave while we dress you in majestic colors of purple. Half of you will chant, ‘GO,’ while the remainder respond, ‘HUSKIES!’ You will each line up to place a gift at the feet of Jake Locker, and worship at the altar of Jon Brockman. You will put down your Keystone Lights and Busch Ices, and instead sip from this eternally flowing keg of Pyramid Hefeweizen, which is yours to keep. We will show you video of Brandon Roy and Tim Lincecum. You will learn our mannerisms and enjoy our national championships. Nick Holt will inspire you. We will extricate the painful memory of Tony Bennett from your minds. You will lose yourself in an orgasm of Utopian bliss. We are Washington. We are your leaders.”
The dawn is coming.
Your days of suffering are nearing an end, Cougar Nation.