University of Connecticut men’s basketball player Stanley Robinson looks like a grandfather. And yet his birthdate is listed as July 14, 1988.
For those of you adept at adding and subtracting in your head, that makes Robinson 20 years old, going on 21.
Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but if Robinson were a Dominican baseball player, it’s all but certain that we would have to check and recheck his birth certificate to confirm the man’s age.
Robinson has the physique and athleticism of a 20-year-old, but the mug of an aging Tim Meadows. You remember Tim Meadows, right? Former Saturday Night Live cast member who was mauled by both a tiger and a bear after filming Mean Girls in 2004…ring a bell?
Okay, so maybe Meadows wasn’t mauled by a tiger nor a bear, but that’s what I imagine happened to him after he fell off the face of the earth five years ago.
Of course, it’s just as likely that the now-38-year-old Meadows may have wanted to fulfill a lifelong dream of playing college basketball, and did so by slipping on a UConn jersey, changing his name to “Stanley Robinson,” and worming his way into coach Jim Calhoun’s starting lineup.
Because Robinson and Meadows could pass as long, lost brothers, if not twins. With Robinson being the elder of the two, naturally.
It’s not just his resemblance to Meadows that sets Robinson apart from his teammates. No, Robinson shares a common hairstyle with another old man, that of former wide receiver Jerry Rice.
Remember when Rice grew cornrows as a member of the Oakland Raiders? So what if his hairline started halfway up the mountaintop, Jerry Rice is a winner, and as a winner Rice was determined to grow those ‘rows. And so he did, and they were hideous.
Stanley Robinson has that same oddly coiffed ‘do. The type of mop that says, “Physically, I’m growing old, but mentally I’m staying young.” The type of haircut that, locked in a room with this perpetrator of personal fashion and armed with an electric razor, you wouldn’t hesitate to shave off. “Stop struggling! I’m doing you a favor!”
Yep, that’s Stanley Robinson, the Dikembe Mutombo of college basketball. The kind of guy who makes Greg Oden, along with everyone else, look young. Cursed with a face that looks like it’s been ravaged by the hands of time. As if that little demon gravity came along and latched onto Robinson’s chin like a kid at recess on the monkey bars, just hanging there, bringing everything down with it.
Great basketball player, amazing hops, ridiculously ancient mug.
Don’t worry, Stanley. With the millions of dollars you’ll make in the NBA, you’ll be able to afford to make yourself look younger overnight. Age is only a number.