Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado, the Second Coming of Jesus

Jesus? No, Jarvis.
Jesus? No, Jarvis.

Scratch that.  Jarvis Varnado likely preceded Jesus in his earlier life, kicked Jesus’s ass when Jesus was a mere kindergartner, grew up to be savior of the world, died, then came back to life as Jarvis Varnado. 

Let’s get one thing straight.  Jarvis Varnado doesn’t block shots.  Shots are merely pulled into Jarvis Varnado’s tractor beam orbit, then repelled by the same hands that have parted the Gulf of Mexico on two separate occasions, once to save a child from drowning, the other to rescue an endangered species of whale that was nearly killed by poachers.   When he was a mere adolescent, Jarvis Varnado practiced his water-parting skills on the Red Sea.  He was able to pull that feat off before his balls dropped.  Take that, Moses.

Jarvis Varnado is a saint.  He once blessed the Pope.

Jarvis Varnado once ordered 965 Dick’s Deluxes and ate them in one sitting.  You’re probably wondering how he got ahold of Seattle’s favorite burger all the way from Mississippi.  He teleported here.  That’s right, Jarvis Varnado can teleport.  He learned it by watching four episodes of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as an eight-year old.

You know the holy water you find at church?  That’s Jarvis Varnado’s pee.

Jarvis Varnado once dunked on Michael Jordan’s mom, then had the decency to apologize for the mistake and take the nice lady out to dinner.  That night, Michael Jordan was conceived.

Jarvis Varnado once swam across the Atlantic Ocean.  Chuck Norris was speaking at a conference in London, and Jarvis Varnado had the urge to pick a fight.

Jarvis Varnado does not know what dysentery is.  Jarvis Varnado always made it through Oregon Trail completely healthy, having lost no members of his caravan, while serving hearty portions, and traveling at a grueling pace.

Jarvis Varnado once slayed a dragon simply to study its tendencies.  Now Jarvis Varnado spits fire.

Jarvis Varnado wrote nine of the Ten Commandments while taking a poo on a Sunday afternoon.  The tenth commandment came to him Monday night, while he was in bed with Jessicas Alba, Biel, and Simpson.

Jarvis Varnado once flashed gang signs at Venoy Overton.

Every time Jarvis Varnado unwraps a Tootsie Pop, he finds the picture of the Indian shooting the bow and arrow with the star.  Jarvis Varnado has never paid for a Tootsie Pop.  The first one was a gift.

Jarvis Varnado single-handedly led Mississippi State to an SEC Tournament Championship, and will single-handedly lead MSU to the National Championship, with Washington being the first victim on the Jarvis Varnado warpath.  Should the Huskies even show up?  I mean, it’s Jarvis Varnado…

69 thoughts on “Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado, the Second Coming of Jesus”

  1. This is all done tongue-in-cheek, of course. Visit any UW message board these days, and you’d think you were in the middle of a Mississippi State sports bar. MSU fans everywhere, professing their inevitable victory over the Huskies and their love for Jarvis Varnado.

  2. This fan base is the worst I’ve ever encountered…this is sac-religious and you made yourself look like a complete jackass…I’m sure this post will get deleted, but damn son you got issues.

  3. Jarvis Varnado has never rolled a “10” in Skee-Ball. He once single-handedly put a Chuck E. Cheese out of business when he won 12,000,000,000 tickets and cashed them in for the manager, who he then made his indentured servant.

  4. “Joe said
    March 18, 2009 at 10:31 am
    This fan base is the worst I’ve ever encountered…this is sac-religious and you made yourself look like a complete jackass…I’m sure this post will get deleted, but damn son you got issues.”

    LOL! MSU fans might be the biggest pussies on earth.

  5. And we Southerners are supposed to be the blithering, inarticulate, uneducated rednecks? I’ve read good satire before. That’s not good satire.

  6. Do you even realize that this is blasphemous? I have a great appreciation for satirical humor, but this is not satirical humor. I am offended. Most MSU fans will be offended. Jarvis would be offended. But most of all, this is offensive to God. May He have mercy on you.

  7. Most MSU fans will be offended. Jarvis would be offended. But most of all, this is offensive to God. May He have mercy on you.

    People like you make me ashamed to be a Christian.

  8. All you people need to calm down. Let the man be funny.

    Of course people from Mississippi will be offended. That’s why they live in Mississippi.

  9. Stupid, Stupid,Stupid, and blasphemous. Why are you people, if I should call you that, so obsessed with Varnado. Mississippi State people aren’t. This article I am responding to is not in good taste no matter who or where you are. My opinion of the North West U.S. has dropped off the scale.

  10. Walter, I think you’re confused. It’s a joke. Go to any Husky website and people are having a Vanardo love fest. Have you heard of Chuck Norris?

  11. Last time I checked, God doesn’t really enjoy being mocked. But you go right ahead and continue putting your foot in your mouth.

  12. I’m not offended. And I’m content to let the man be funny. However, it might take more effort than ripping off the template of 10-year old Chuck Norris jokes and it might even take the ability to write satire.

    In short, every time I see a sentence from a UW fan about tomorrow’s game, I feel that much better about myself.

  13. im a state fan and trust me we do have some big ,fat, inflamed , yeast infected pussies in our fan base. i mean even jesus would probably make fun himself( and by jesus i mean Jarvis varnado).
    even if your a state fan or uw fan or just dont give a shit, this stuff is funny as hell.
    people take themselves way to serious in the south and yes you are a miserable redneck who will never get out of this fucking cesspool called mississippi. “I ve read good satire before and this isnt funny” the fact that you point this out make you look like a jackass sir. i mean who are the real jackasses here? the guy blogging on his own blog and being extremely creative or the guy who calls people out for being blasphemous and cant take a fucking joke. i mean do you realize that you are what makes the enitre south look like backwards ass retards whos heads are so far up their own asses they all they say and do is shit. i really hope those people have awful lives who called you out for being sac-religious. i wish nothing but regret and shame in their lives . i guess i ll PRAY for that tonight when i go to sleep. there some satire for you.

    listen , jarvis is a god among men. he uses snake skins as condoms because his sperm is like supermans : it explodes a womans ( or multiple womens) head clear off.

    and this is a sad time we live. i have to breath the same air as idiots bumble fucks such as yourself.

  14. I’m a MSU fan and think this is hilarious. Not offended at all. Some people get so worked up about things and completely forget how to take a joke.

    Go State!


    can’t any of you fucks learn how to take a joke? this is obviously about how every UW fan is scared to be facing a shotblocker but is being way too scared. they’re mississippi state for christ (oh no i used his name in vain!) sakes. the only reason they’re in the tournament is because they had a great run. it’s no like this guy is such a gigantic game changer that UW fans are making him out to be. he’s not hasheem thabeet. we’ll be seeing him in the sweet 16 though!

    go dawgs!

  16. Quote
    Mike said
    March 18, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Prior Quote: “Most MSU fans will be offended. Jarvis would be offended. But most of all, this is offensive to God. May He have mercy on you.”

    Mike’s Response: “People like you make me ashamed to be a Christian.”

    Mike, the guy is right. This is extremely offensive to me as a Christian. I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be offensive to any Christian. It would be offensive to every Christian I know. Why would anyone be ashamed of Christian brothers and sisters standing up for what is right? If you truly are ashamed, I suggest opening the Bible and reading it.

  17. This whole mud sling of between MSU and UW has gotten so childish. I’d bet that this whole internet war is mainly instigated by fanatical homers who more than likely have never stepped foot on either campus.

  18. “When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Jarvis Varnado.”

    Now that was funny! Most of the rest, not so much. Blasphemous – some.

    Jarvis is the King of Swat. A well-deserved nickname. Will MSU win? Who knows as of now. If MSU wins, it will also take offense, not just defense. So, until then – enjoy trashing us po’ ole sutheners who ain’t got no sense. All yew smaht boys in Washington ah sumthin else.

    I hope we kick the shit out of you. If we don’t, you can guarantee our losing team will be nothing if not polite.

  19. There is a special place for all you people up in the Seattle area in Hell. God help us all after reading this. Say hello to Kurt when you get there. Happy cooking Libs!!!

  20. i think it is hilarious. Watch him change the game tomorrow and whether we win or lose you will respect him and he will get back to his ways of saving baby animals and endangered species

  21. State fans are the most arrogant 13 seed in the history of this tournament. You go on a run and win the conference tournament (in the worst major conference) and suddenly they think they are Duke. Your little final four dreams will come crashing to a halt tomorrow when the Dawgs romp, 82-57.

  22. Blasphemy rarely offends people to this degree.

    Racism offends people no matter the situation. Unless it’s Dave Chappelle funny, but unfortunately you can’t get those humorous undertones in typed print very often.

  23. “Your little final four dreams will come crashing to a halt tomorrow when the Dawgs romp, 82-57.”

    We have our first numerical prediction. I have a feeling it will be more like 143-51, Washington, but that’s just me being my blasphemous self.

  24. Oh, Alex said we can be blasphemous, but not racist. Well, at least he has some kind of line.
    I will agree with those who said “let him be funny.” Well, Alex, do you think you can be funny?

    Why don’t you really be hilarious and change it from “Jesus” (or the “Christ”) to another religious leader, from, let’s say, another part of the world? Think you’d be hanging around town for long?

  25. You, my friend, are uneducated, stupid, and will be going to Hell when you die. This is the worst piece I have ever read. Go dawgs!!!!

  26. Oh, Alex said we can be blasphemous, just not racist. Well at least he has some kind of line.
    I agree with with those who said, “let him be funny.” Well, Alex, do you think you can be funny? Or original?

  27. “gohuskies” Didn’t you mean “their own cotton” and “their own clothes?” hahaha ha ha haha!

  28. To Alex.

    State doesn’t have final four dreams. Been there, done that. State has already exceeded all expectations this year. Anything
    that happens good is gravy on the steak. Stansbury and the team are loose. This is all gravy for this year.

    Oh, Alex, you’re an ass.

  29. In case the spam filter doesn’t catch all the spam, the guy making racist jokes using Husky nicknames is a Mississippi State fan. In fact, just assume that all the bad stuff comes from MSU fans.

  30. Are you kidding? This is one of the most popular posts of all-time. I get commission off the number of comments being left here. I just bought a vial of Jarvis Varnado’s holy water pee.

  31. All the more incentive to get a juicy little argument going on your lonely little article, right?

  32. Wow. MSU fans are just like Wazzu fans. They’d rather argue/vote on something totally pointless rather then study for finals. Why? Because they know that even if they pass the finals, they’ll never have to say anything more at work than ‘Would you like fries with that?’.

  33. As a Christian I did not find the Article overly offensive. Should I…? Maybe! The point is that on one has ever kicked Jesus’ ass, only Moses has ever parted the Red Sea, and God is the one that wrote the 10 Commandments. That means that Jarvis Varnado is not the second coming of Christ, he is not a prophet, he is not a God. That is the satire of it.

    If you don’t think it’s funny that is one thing, but don’t go getting all “religious’ and start telling people they are going to hell. I didn’t see any of you quoting scripture or loving non-believers; you were just calling people ignorant and telling them they were going to hell. I believe Jesus has a sense of humor; and weather you agree that he would laugh at this post or not, do you see any examples where he reacted like you did? You should be careful how you are representing yourself when you are using the name of Christ.

  34. leaving a post on a dead thread here… but Norman J hit the nail on the head. Nicely done. Its funny because I ran accross this by doing a search for “Jarvis Varnado Christian” because I admire how Swat is not ashamed of his faith and is always a great representative for fellow believers. I wish I could say the same for some of the posters on here who claim to be sticking up for Jesus.

    A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Pr. 15:1).

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