I have a dream, and that dream is to witness a speak-off between Tiger Woods and Barack Obama. It will be carried live on ESPN2 HD, at 1:30 PM, PDT. Jim Rome will get the day off.
At precisely 1:31 PM, PDT, after a studio introduction by Bob Ley, the cameras will zoom in on a wooden table, resting atop a stage, in front of a capacity crowd at Radio City Music Hall. There, sitting in glorious high-backed chairs facing one another across the length of the table will be Tiger Woods and Barack Obama. Tiger will be on your left, Barack on your right. They will simply be staring one another down. No words will have yet been spoken, no emotion will as yet be displayed.
A moderator will come striding onto the stage. That moderator will be Tony Gwynn. “Hello, everyone,” Gwynn will say, “and welcome to the Tiger Woods/Barack Obama Speak-Off.” Applause. Gwynn will smile, then point at someone in the audience who he recognizes, then refocus. “I want to remind everyone that this is not a competition of any sort,” Gwynn will state, “but rather a half-hour special devoted to Tiger Woods and Barack Obama speaking to one another, in the same room, at the same time, with the occasional drop-in by me, Tony Gwynn.” Applause. “Let’s begin.”
“Hullo, Barack,” Tiger will say.
“Hullo, Tiger,” Barack will reply.
“So, uh, Barack,” Tiger will begin. “I don’t really know why wur here.”
“Me neither, Tiger,” Barack will respond. “In fact, I’m uh….(pause for thought)….kind of confused, okay?”
“Is that a question or a comment, Barack?” Tiger will ask.
“I’m…(dramatic pause)…not really sure myself, Tiger,” Barack will answer.
This exchange will continue for precisely 26 more minutes. Tony Gwynn will not be able to get a word in during this time. He will try, on occasion, but be overruled by Tiger and Barack, who at certain points in the conversation will discuss literature, golf, foreign policy, and a Piggly-Wiggly store located in Sandusky, Ohio.
At the conclusion of the conversation, the crowd at Radio City will rise and give the two a standing ovation. For what, no one really knows. Tiger will grin. Barack will purse his lips and wave. Tony Gwynn will be in the corner hitting baseballs off a tee, into a net. The cameras will pan out, then cut back to Bob Ley in studio. Ley will thank you for watching, then send you off to an overzealous Tony Reali at the Around the Horn studios. It will be 2:00 PM, PDT. That is all.