Top 11: All-Laminated List Rejects

Would I hit it? Of course I would.
Would I hit it? Of course I would.

Yesterday, we brought you the All-Laminated List Team, a Top 11 countdown featuring an all-star lineup of athletes that you’d let your significant other sleep with (hence the Laminated List). Today, we’re bringing you the exact opposite of yesterday’s list. These are the All-Laminated List Rejects, 11 athletes who nobody should sleep with (let alone your significant other). Some of these guys are flat-out hideous, others are just jackasses who inspire our greatest disdain. Either way, they’re not worth of any lady’s time when it comes to procreation. You’ll see.

11. Kobe Bryant, Guard, NBA, Los Angeles Lakers.

Rap sheet: Adulterer; accused rapist (later acquitted); selfish ballhog.

If Bedroom Kobe is anything like Basketball Kobe, the ladies are going to be in for a miserably tiring evening. Kobe will demand at least 50 orgasms, though he’ll probably only convert on about 20 of those. On the 30 attempts at which he fails, he’ll yell at his poor victim and demand more attention to detail the next time around. When he does connect on a climax, watch out. He may pump his fist or shout, startling even the most alert females. If the sex isn’t good enough, he’ll be out trashing the lady in the media the next morning, and if his wife happens to find out, he’ll just buy her a new ring.

10. Caleb Forrest, Forward, NCAA, Washington State University Cougars.

Rap sheet: Ugliest player in college basketball; hygienically challenged.

Ladies, you may not know Caleb Forrest, and trust me, you don’t need to. Unless you’re into gigantic dirty leprechaun mountain men, Forrest probably isn’t up your alley. Take a look for yourself:

calebforrest21

We’ll keep it brief and just say he’s not blessed with good looks.

If you still find Forrest attractive, maybe you’ll fear his violent tendencies. Turn your back on him for even one second and you may very well become the victim of a Caleb Forrest Donkey Punch. Just ask Washington’s Darnell Gant, who was socked in the cranium by Forrest when the two schools met earlier in the year. Maybe that was just Caleb’s best attempt at foreplay, hard to say.

9. Curt Schilling, Pitcher, MLB, Boston Red Sox.

Rap Sheet: Overweight; wannabe sports writer; can’t keep his mouth shut (possibly a plus for those of you on the ‘other team’)

How many ladies out there want a man who more closely resembles a pasty white fat tub of goo?  Put your hand down, Mrs. Michelin Man, you don’t count.  How about a pasty white fat tub of goo that gossips like a girl and has a divisive opinion on every subject ever?  Curt Schilling’s wife might be into that, but no one else is.  Schilling is pretty much all the things we hate in a person rolled into one, then given an ugly facade and the ability to throw a baseball at high speeds.

Anytime anything happens in sports, Schilling solicits his opinion to readers on his blog, which I refuse to link to or reference on these pages.  Chances are, if any ladies out there wanted a run at the former ace of the Sox, he would be blogging about the experience the next day:

“I stuck with the missionary position despite the fact that my man boobs were sore.  I really wanted to hit that from the back, but she wasn’t having any.  All of a sudden I looked down and my ankle was bleeding…damn.”

8. Greg Paulus and Tyler Hansbrough, Guard and Forward, NCAA, Duke University Blue Devils and North Carolina Tarheels, respectively.

Rap Sheet: Both try too hard; overly intense; potentially gay.

Paulus and Hansbrough are inseparable entities, hence they make this list in tandem.  Sure, they may be fierce rivals on the court, but when it comes to the females, they’d be more than willing to share.  In fact, they may not even need you there, ladies.  But for the sake of argument, we’ll assume they do.

Source: LolJocks.com
Source: LolJocks.com

Most likely, if Paulus and Hansbrough were to court you, it would begin like an episode of National Geographic on safari, with the Duke guard and UNC forward battling for your honor.  After bruising and battering one another, the two would call a mutual truce and instead share you evenly.  Let me warn you: It would be bad enough trying to keep up with one of these guys, what with their competitive desire and willingness to give 200% effort at all times.  If you could survive their attack, you would be a champion.  Best advice, just lay there and play possum until their done, at which point you can quietly try to creep away while they enjoy the company of one another.  Good luck.

7. Tony Parker, Guard, NBA, San Antonio Spurs.

Rap sheet: French; talks funny; married to Eva Longoria.

Tony Parker, ugh.  What was Eva Longoria thinking?  I guess she took “Desperate Housewives” waaaay too literally when she hooked up with him.  The man is goofy looking, first off, and second of all he’s French.  What kind of self-respecting woman wants to get with a Frenchie?  Yeah, they may know a few weirdo tricks that haven’t yet crossed the Atlantic, but still, who cares?  Ladies, not only are you lowering your standards by getting with Tony Parker, but you’re also disrespecting your country.  This is America.  We like our point guards like Gary Payton, large, loud, and willing to post up.  Parker is petite, soft spoken, and willing to crossover….and he’s equally adept at going either way, if you know what I mean.

6. Robert Swift, Center, NBA, Oklahoma City Thunder.

Rap sheet: Ugly to begin with; made uglier by adorning body with tattoos; not very talented.

Swifty had potential when he came into the league, both in ability and physicality.  He wasn’t pretty by any means, but at the very least he was a clean slate.  That all changed quickly, however, when the young center went crazy and began covering his skin with tattoos, presumably to hide the pale white canvas underneath.  Now he looks more like this:

YIKES!
YIKES!

If the greasy hair and ink don’t frighten you, maybe that Eric Stoltz mug of his does.  I don’t even need to warn the ladies this time around.  Helen Keller would know better.

5. Alex Rodriguez, Third Baseman, MLB, New York Yankees.

Rap sheet: Steroid user; Liar; Crazy Ex-Wife; Dated Madonna.

If you just landed on this earth and took one look at Alex Rodriguez, you would probably think he was a pretty nice guy.  He’s good-looking and says all the right things, what’s not to like?  As it turns out, A-Rod is kind of like a disease-infested whore: Sure, the package may look nice on the outside, but inside there’s a whole lot of stuff going on that you don’t want to know anything about.  In Rodriguez’s case, he lies, uses steroids, and probably couldn’t do one genuine thing if his life depended on it.

Speaking of doing fake things, he’s dated Madonna for a while now and it’s sickening.  Maybe she mistook his wooing pursuit of her as a plea for help, then adopted A-Rod to help complete her rainbow of children from exotic lands.  “This is Alex, he’s my Dominican baby…sometimes he thinks he’s American, but mostly he’s Dominican…well, he doesn’t really know what he is.”

How old is Madonna anyways?  You could give me a number anywhere between 40 and 70 and I wouldn’t be at all shocked.  Gross.

4. Bartolo Colon, Pitcher, MLB, Chicago White Sox.

Rap sheet: Ballooning “athlete” who can’t control his weight; resembles a pudgy Andre the Giant.

Bartolo Colon is one of those guys that you want to follow around with a tuba, playing a note for every step he takes.  He’s pretty huge, but he’s actually pretty nimble as well.  Watching him pitch is like watching the Hindenburg travel at Concorde speeds; it’s pretty entertaining.

That said, if I was a woman, I’d be fearful of Bartolo Colon eating me immediately after intercourse.  You know, like a female spider.  Because you can’t really explain how he’s put on so much weight over the course of his playing career, and my only answer is that he eats people.  Here’s Bartolo back in the day and here’s Bartolo now.  That’s like a difference of three humans consumed per day.

3. Tony Romo, Quarterback, NFL, Dallas Cowboys.

Rap sheet: Hates Terrell Owens; ungratefully dismisses tearful displays of loyalty; has Dumbo ears; sold out to Jessica Simpson.

Tony Romo used to be a feel-good story until he became a bitch.  Now he picks on people in the media (Terrell Owens), shuns loyalty (Terrell Owens), and sleeps with a hot, dumb blonde that doesn’t know chicken from fish (Jessica Simpson).  Where, in all this, has the feel-good underdog tale gone?

Romo just isn’t cool anymore (if he ever was, hard to say), and it’s all a product of his ego and selfish attitude.  Not to mention the fact that if he wasn’t the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys (I hope he sent Drew Bledsoe a thank-you card), he would never, N-E-V-E-R, have hooked it up with Jessica.  Take one look at Nick Lachey……now Romo’s goofy ass.  It’s not even close, Lachey takes home the trophy in a landslide.  Plus, if you happened to ever watch Newlyweds back in the day, you’d realize that Lachey is a pretty cool guy, an everyman sports fanatic who we can all get along with (and he owns part of our very own Tacoma Raniers).  Romo, on the other hand, is a tool.  It’s sad, really.

2. Adam Morrison, Forward, NBA, Los Angeles Lakers.

Rap sheet: Longtime holder of World’s Ugliest Human Being Award; admitted to not taking frequent showers; cries in public; jerkoff attitude.

You know what they say about ugly people: You better have a killer personality to make up for the fact that you look like poop on a stick.  Apparently Adam Morrison never got that memo, or simply feels he’s beyond the laws of society.  Either way, nobody likes the guy and there’s a grab bag of reasons why that happens to be the case.

First, he’s ugly as sin.  Whether his hair is short, long, or straight frightening, Adam is still on the homely side of the tracks.  Even when he tries his best to make it all work, it just doesn’t turn out as planned.

Second, he cries in multiple senses of the word.  He cries for the ball, cries to officials for calls, and cries to his coach for not conforming to the Adam Morrison Basketball System.  He also cries in the most literal of ways, bawling his eyes out when things don’t go his way:

No one feels sorry for you.
No one feels sorry for you.

Third, he’s mean.  He screams and yells at coaches, teammates, and opponents.  He can make any situation an unpleasant one with his d-bag attitude.  Take a look for yourself:

If my equally crazy friend Sean Mallon wasn't holding me back, I swear I'd tear those glasses right off your face!
If my equally crazy friend Sean Mallon wasn't holding me back, I swear I'd tear those glasses right off your face!

You don’t want anything to do with the man they call Ammo.  Just stay away.

1. Manu Ginobili, Guard, NBA San Antonio Spurs.

Rap sheet: Serial flopper; Italian Stallion greaseball (despite the fact he hails from Argentina).

If you took a poll of all sports fans and asked them to name their least favorite NBA player, Manu Ginobili would win hands-down.  But we aren’t here to talk about why fans hate Ginobili, we’re here to explore the reasons why no woman in her right mind should sleep with him.  It’s simple really, Ginobili is the ultimate slimeball.  And he flops.  A combination of two very big evils.

Two evils.
Two evils.

If Ginobili wanted a piece of your ass, he would probably attempt to woo you by unbuttoning the top three or four buttons on his shirt.  He would proudly display his chest hairs, then ask if you liked his gold chain.  He would take you to his sports car with the crushed velvet interior and drive you to his place, a pyrite-encrusted glass palace overlooking a water fountain displaying a statue of his weirdo left-handed fallaway layup.  He would take you to his bedroom and whisper you sweet nothings in a forged accent…and then, as soon as you succumbed to his advances and put your hands on him, he would flop to the deck.

Oddly enough, he would begin screaming, crying, wailing, lamenting about the pain you had inflicted upon him.  But it was just your fingertips, you’d say, how could he be hurting so badly?  “Liar!” he’d scream, writhing in pain on his shag carpeting.  He’d banish you from his residence, then call a lawyer.

The next day you’d be served with charges for assault, battery, and a laundry list of damages.  In court, you would lose your defense as Ginobili described in detail how you punched him in the face, kicked him in the ballsack, then demanded all the cash he had in his wallet.  In tears, you would be led off to prison where you would spend the rest of your life after it was discovered that you had attempted murder on the Spurs guard.  You would appeal, but would lose after Ginobili paid the judge to uphold the original ruling.

Two lessons to be learned from this: Never trust a greaser, and DO NOT date a flopper.  Floppers are the bane of our existence.

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