We could have called this the “Top 11: Athletes You’d Let Your Significant Other Sleep With” but the heading was too long, and not exactly catchy. So we cut some words, came up with a creative title, and boom, you have your All-Laminated List Team. The Laminated List, as many of you I’m sure are aware, is a compilation of people (usually celebrities) who your average man or woman could fornicate with, without any repercussions whatsoever, regardless of a prior, binding relationship.
What we’ve decided to do is count down 11 athletes who are worthy of your wife’s or girlfriend’s lists. Guys who you would have no qualms about turning your lady over to for an evening. The only condition we’ve installed is that these athletes be current, active players in either the college or professional ranks (so no Michael Jordan, for instance). Without further ado, onto the list.
11. Mark Madsen, Forward, NBA, Minnesota Timberwolves.
Vital stats: 6’9″, 255 lbs, 33 years old, 0.3 PPG (’08-’09), 1.1 RPG (’08-’09).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: There is no harder worker in the NBA than Mad-Dog. You know–and I mean, you really effing know–that if he gets your lady into bed, he’s going to give her 110% maximum effort before he calls it quits. No player on this list will treat your girl better, and when he’s done with the one-night stand, he’ll gladly return Ms. Right back to your waiting arms exactly as he found her.
Reason he’d make her list: Madsen is a Stanford alum, so he’s pretty intelligent. Plus he’s got the intensity that a passionate woman could appreciate.
10. Stephen Curry, Guard, NCAA, Davidson College Wildcats.
Vital stats: 6’3″, 185 lbs, 20 years old, 28.4 PPG (’08-’09), 5.8 APG (’08-’09).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: When he’s not launching that sweet shot from beyond the arc, or finding the open big man underneath the hoop, Stephen Curry is just your average dude who happens to possess a ton of basketball talent. And let’s be honest, has there ever been a “safer” athlete for you to leave your girl with than Curry? If you’re Zack Morris, he’s Screech Powers; if you’re Eddie Winslow, he’s Steve Urkel. Curry is the safe guy you’d even entrust to date your strikingly hot younger sister. With his preference of finesse over power, Curry doesn’t appear capable of violating the beautiful sanctity of a woman, and we’d expect nothing less from the All-American.
Reason he’d make her list: Curry resembles a less-violent Chris Brown: tall, slender, and with boyish good looks. Plus he knows how to score, and is humble enough to not kiss and tell.
9. Tim Tebow, Quarterback, NCAA, University of Florida Gators.
Vital stats: 6’3″, 240 lbs, 21 years old, 2746 yards passing (2008), 42 total TD’s (2008).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Tebow claims to be a virgin, so if he’s in bed with your girl, chances are he has no idea what he’s doing. When it comes to making love, Tim Tebow is a freshman walk-on who’s never set foot on the playing field. And even if he does know how to start the ignition, he won’t be doing any fancy driving. Away from the gridiron, the scrambling QB has spent time as a real-life missionary, meaning he’ll be relying heavily on conservative play-calling to find his way into the end zone. Heck, with his limited knowledge and paint-dry repertoire, he might even make you look like a real pro in the sack.
Reason he’d make her list: Tebow has the mentality of a choir boy and the physicality of a stunt penis (aka male pornstar). He might not know how to gain yardage on her field of play, but at least he’d put forth a nice, sincere effort and allow the lady to play the role of offensive coordinator.
8. Tim Lincecum, Pitcher, MLB, San Francisco Giants.
Vital stats: 5’11”, 170 lbs, 24 years old, 18-5 record (2008), 2.62 ERA (2008), 265 K’s (2008).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Sure, he may be a great athlete, but he looks like the kid you picked on in elementary school. Lincecum is a goofball, and more closely resembles Jughead Jones of Archie Comics fame than any self-respecting professional baseball player. He might be able to toss laser-beam fastballs, but Lincecum is no Babe Ruth when it comes to handling the stick. Cool guy and all, but I’m not worried.
Reason he’d make her list: Timmy is as limber as a gymnast and could probably pull out some crazy kama sutra moves that haven’t even been invented yet. The guy has been known to do cartwheels, and can even walk on his hands, meaning he could conceivably perform the first ever “ceiling lay.”
7. Chris Paul, Guard, NBA, New Orleans Hornets.
Vital stats: 6’0″, 175 lbs, 23 years old, 21.3 PPG (’08-’09), 11.0 APG (’08-’09), 5.3 RPG (’08-’09).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Everyone loves Chris Paul. Everyone. Who doesn’t love Chris Paul? Nobody. I’m by no means a Hornets fan, but I can appreciate Chris Paul and all the magic he embodies. If Chris Paul wants to get with your significant other, then by God, Chris Paul should be allowed that luxury. He’s one hell of a basketball player and worthy of any fine young woman he can pull down. Get it, Chris.
Reason he’d make her list: See above explanation. Plus, he was caught on camera mackin on Eva Longoria before a Spurs-Hornets game once. That’s just straight up G-pimp ballsy.
6. Grady Sizemore, Outfielder, MLB, Cleveland Indians.
Vital stats: 6’2″, 200 lbs, 26 years old, .268 batting average (2008), 33 home runs (2008), 38 stolen bases (2008).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Grady is one of those guys that hustles just hard enough to earn your respect, but doesn’t try so hard that it gets to be annoying. With that trait in tow, Sizemore would probably be more than willing to please your woman once and once only, then disappear into the night never to be seen again. I like that quality in a guy who could one day be fooling around with the girl of my dreams.
Reason he’d make her list: One word: Dimples. He makes Mario Lopez look like amateur hour. Oh, and that last name of his, of course. We should all be a little leery of that.
5. Walter Jones, Left Tackle, NFL, Seattle Seahawks.
Vital stats: 6’5″, 325 lbs, 35 years old, 180 career games started at LT.
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: He’s the most unheralded player in the NFL today, and possibly in NFL history. A rock of a man anchoring Seattle’s offensive line since 1997, Jones is the one guy whose name nobody knows, despite the fact that he is arguably the best player, regardless of position, in the game over the past decade. He deserves to get recognized by the fans for once, and if that means you have to give up your girlfriend or wife, then so be it. And what difference does it make really? It’s not like she’ll remember his name anyway.
Reason he’d make her list: For those ladies out there who are into the big, cuddly teddy bear type, I give you Walter Jones. Move his ears up to the top of his cranium, cover his body in fur, and try to tell him apart from a kodiak or grizzly. Impossible, I know. Ladies love that.
4. Lance Armstrong, Professional Cyclist.
Vital stats: 5’10”, 165 lbs, 37 years old, 7 consecutive Tour de France victories (1999-2005).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: It’s pretty simple. The guy only has one testicle. I mean, he’s not a magician. He’ll settle for singles and doubles while the rest of us are hitting home runs.
Reason he’d make her list: He dated Sheryl Crow for a while, and she’s one of those celebrities that all women love. Plus he’s got fantastic endurance, and manages to make spandex look okay.
3. Brandon Roy, Guard, NBA, Portland Trailblazers.
Vital stats: 6’6″, 211 lbs, 24 years old, 22.6 PPG (’08-’09), 5.1 APG (’08-’09), 4.7 RPG (’08-’09).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Brandon Roy is the world’s nicest guy. Not athlete. Guy. Period. Even if he wasn’t on your girl’s list, she’d make room for him after talking with the two-time All-Star for a few minutes. Brandon seemingly says and does all the right things in maintaining a humble, low-key persona in the glitzy world of pro sports. Add to that the fact that he’s been with the same girl since high school, and has two children with her, and it’s a pretty safe bet that he won’t be butting in on your relationship anytime soon.
Reason he’d make her list: See above. Plus he’s smooth as silk in penetration.
2. Greg Oden, Center, NBA, Portland Trailblazers.
Vital stats: 7’0″, 285 lbs, 21 years old, 9.0 PPG (’08-’09), 7.2 RPG (’08-’09).
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: The self-proclaimed “chamaeleon” thinks he’s as versatile as they come. Wrong. With achy knees and a broken mug, there won’t be anything too freaky going on in the bedroom when you’re gone. The second-year vet isn’t known for his durability, either, meaning you don’t have to worry about the romp session extending deep into the twilight. Expect five-to-ten minutes of spirited play, followed by extended periods of rest. Good luck firing your missile before the mission is aborted, Greg.
Reason he’d make her list: He’s a former number-one overall pick, after all, plus he’s got that laugh factor down. For a girl who’s into wit, humor, and unfulfilled promise, Oden is the end all, be all.
1. Ken Griffey, Jr., Outfielder, MLB, Seattle Mariners.
Vital stats: 6’3″, 205 lbs, 39 years old, 611 career home runs.
Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: Ken Griffey, Jr. is a God. If Jesus emerged in your living room and told you he needed to mix it up with Mrs. You, you wouldn’t turn him down. Junior is one notch below that status. You can give some thought to letting him pound your woman, but if you don’t say “okay,” you’re probably going to hell. Plus, with any luck, Junior would impregnate your wife/girlfriend in the process and you’d have the next great American hero to raise as your very own. Way to go, slugger.
Reason he’d make her list: Why wouldn’t he make her list? It’d be like getting it on with Zeus. He’ll handle you with his powerful lightning bolt of holy lore, and show you why he’s hit more dingers than any other non-asterisked baseball player of our generation. You want the longball? You got it.
*Catch another Top 11 list tomorrow, featuring the All-Laminated List Rejects, aka “The Guys Nobody Should Sleep With.”