Five shots at the Cougs, then I’m done

It’s hard to rip on Seattle U., mostly because they have “Seattle” in their name.  It’s like beating up on your little brother, then clowning on him for losing.  You just can’t do that, it’s cold-blooded.  So we’ll overlook the fact that the Huskies plastered their crosstown opposition and look ahead to our coming matchup with the Washington State Cougars on Saturday.

In doing so, we’d like to kick off basketball Apple Cup week with some friendly jabs at our intrastate rival.  We’ve compiled a short list of five things we’ve taken note of with regards to our opponent. Feel free to participate by posting your own barbs in the comments section underneath the post.

1. Something needs to be done about DeAngelo Casto’s hair. I mean just look at it:


Against all logic, this guy wakes up every morning, looks himself in the mirror, and thinks, “I look good today.”  Honestly, it looks like he put pubic hair on his head and braided it.  Like he just reached down his pants and under his armpits, ripped those hairs out, neatly braided them, and glued them to his skull.  We aren’t all blessed with great hair.  But when we make a conscious choice to punish our dome the way Casto has, something needs to be done.

2. Klay Thompson is a poor man’s Tre Simmons. Ah, yes, Tre.  We loved Tre.  He was a shooter with actual basketball skill.  A guy you could count on to knock down the big three, but who could also be relied on to take the ball to hole, run the point, or dish to the open man.  Klay Thompson is kind of like that, except he’s not as good.  That’s not saying he won’t get to that level, or even surpass it.  But if you put a gun to my head right now and made me choose between Tre or Klay, the decision would be an easy one: Tre Simmons, every time.

3. Taylor Rochestie is the spawn of Satan. I’m convinced that the Devil, himself, landed in Pullman a few years ago, kicked Rochestie out of his sleigh (because everyone knows the Devil travels around in a magical sleigh), and left him to fend for himself in the middle of the Palouse.  Rochestie, blessed with basketball skill, joined the Cougar hoops team and made it his mission to terrorize opponents with an annoying ability to flutter around the court like a bumblebee on crack, knocking down a jumper here, finding the open man there, or just generally pestering everyone in sight.  He’s the kind of guy you love to hate, and I’m not gonna lie, I truly despise him.

4. Aron Baynes runs like a fairy. Has anyone else noticed this?  Anytime the big Aussie is jogging up and down court (jogging, because let’s face it, he doesn’t really run), he keeps his arms at his sides with wrists curled up and his fingers forming little circles, as if he’s daintily holding a teacup.  Were he not such a behemoth, it would appear as if he was prancing, or even floating, from baseline to baseline.  There’s no disputing this.  You may disagree with some of the things I’ve said before, but this is 100% fact.

5. Caleb Forrest is pushing Adam Morrison for the Ugliest Player in History Award. There was a point in time when Caleb Forrest was a clean-cut young man who vaguely resembled a human being.  Take this picture, for example, where he kind of looks like the metamorphosing Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf (or, for you hardcore fans, the metamorphosing Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf II):


Or even this image, where he’s clearly fornicating with a basketball:


Those days are long behind us, however, as Forrest has gone to great lengths to distinguish himself physically from the rest of the human race.  Where a face used to be, there is the occasional scraggly hair.  Some weeks it’s almost a beard.  Other weeks — like this past week, for example — it’s a grotesquely familiar moustache that evokes memories of the notoriously unclean Morrison.  And the greasy mop that seemingly crawls like ivy across Forrest’s head, threatening to engulf his entire body if not properly tended to, doesn’t do him any favors either.  There have been some not-so-handsome Cougar players in recent history (Derrick Low and Robbie Cowgill come to mind), but Forrest is outperforming all of them, and that’s saying something.

6 thoughts on “Five shots at the Cougs, then I’m done”

  1. I’ll add two things:

    1. Tony Bennett never wears a tie. If he wants the media to actually take him seriously (and not put a purple W next to his name during a CBS interview) then he should take a weekend trip to Boise or Spokane, where someone could teach him the half windsor knot.

    2. The “zzu crew” doing the Florida Gator chomp. This is ridiculous. Cougars don’t do that in the wild. Stop trying to be like the SEC and go hit on some underage frat boys. That’s what actual Cougars do.

  2. “2. The “zzu crew” doing the Florida Gator chomp. This is ridiculous. Cougars don’t do that in the wild. Stop trying to be like the SEC and go hit on some underage frat boys. That’s what actual Cougars do.”

    Cougars have mouths and gators have mouths which gives them the ability to eat things with those mouths. That would also mean that it would be logical if Fighting Irish, Seminoles, Terapins, Trojans, Sun Devils, Badgers, Gamecock, etc… fans began doing the chomp because they also have mouths.

  3. Haha, I love it.

    The Cougs are hot right now and they aren’t the same team we saw in Pullman, so the Huskies better not think they will blow Wazzu out by 20+ again. But I am definitely looking forward to a great game and a PAC-10 CHAMPIONSHIP in Seattle!

    Go Dawgs!

  4. @All Seattle Sports: You will have a Pac-10 Championship in Seattle – too bad after Saturday you’ll have to share it with UCLA.

  5. Since we’re taking shots at players I’ll take one a little more mature than comparing the hair of a 19 year old kid to pubes.

    Anyone notice how Brockman gets most of his rebounds by rebounding his own missed shots? Not paying very close attention, I counted 3 in the game against Seattle last night. In one possession he went 1 for 3 with 2 offensive boards. keep in mind this double-double machine has beaten the cougs once in his career. Baynes and the other seniors destroy him in the most important stat, wins.

    If you want to bring up his defensive boards, we’ll talk once Brockman guards the opposing team’s best post one-on-one. Pretty easy to grab boards when your teammate is blocking out your man for you. Baynes won’t touch the ball without 2 or 3 huskie’s attacking him. Unfortunately for uw, he doesn’t play the way you think he runs.

  6. Ah, yes. Anonymous posts like these remind me how happy I am with my decision to go to the University of Washington. I would hate to be a coug fan right now. The future of that team rests in the hands of Casto, Thompson, and Capers. Ouch.

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