It’s hard to rip on Seattle U., mostly because they have “Seattle” in their name. It’s like beating up on your little brother, then clowning on him for losing. You just can’t do that, it’s cold-blooded. So we’ll overlook the fact that the Huskies plastered their crosstown opposition and look ahead to our coming matchup with the Washington State Cougars on Saturday.
In doing so, we’d like to kick off basketball Apple Cup week with some friendly jabs at our intrastate rival. We’ve compiled a short list of five things we’ve taken note of with regards to our opponent. Feel free to participate by posting your own barbs in the comments section underneath the post.
1. Something needs to be done about DeAngelo Casto’s hair. I mean just look at it:
Against all logic, this guy wakes up every morning, looks himself in the mirror, and thinks, “I look good today.” Honestly, it looks like he put pubic hair on his head and braided it. Like he just reached down his pants and under his armpits, ripped those hairs out, neatly braided them, and glued them to his skull. We aren’t all blessed with great hair. But when we make a conscious choice to punish our dome the way Casto has, something needs to be done.
2. Klay Thompson is a poor man’s Tre Simmons. Ah, yes, Tre. We loved Tre. He was a shooter with actual basketball skill. A guy you could count on to knock down the big three, but who could also be relied on to take the ball to hole, run the point, or dish to the open man. Klay Thompson is kind of like that, except he’s not as good. That’s not saying he won’t get to that level, or even surpass it. But if you put a gun to my head right now and made me choose between Tre or Klay, the decision would be an easy one: Tre Simmons, every time.
3. Taylor Rochestie is the spawn of Satan. I’m convinced that the Devil, himself, landed in Pullman a few years ago, kicked Rochestie out of his sleigh (because everyone knows the Devil travels around in a magical sleigh), and left him to fend for himself in the middle of the Palouse. Rochestie, blessed with basketball skill, joined the Cougar hoops team and made it his mission to terrorize opponents with an annoying ability to flutter around the court like a bumblebee on crack, knocking down a jumper here, finding the open man there, or just generally pestering everyone in sight. He’s the kind of guy you love to hate, and I’m not gonna lie, I truly despise him.
4. Aron Baynes runs like a fairy. Has anyone else noticed this? Anytime the big Aussie is jogging up and down court (jogging, because let’s face it, he doesn’t really run), he keeps his arms at his sides with wrists curled up and his fingers forming little circles, as if he’s daintily holding a teacup. Were he not such a behemoth, it would appear as if he was prancing, or even floating, from baseline to baseline. There’s no disputing this. You may disagree with some of the things I’ve said before, but this is 100% fact.
5. Caleb Forrest is pushing Adam Morrison for the Ugliest Player in History Award. There was a point in time when Caleb Forrest was a clean-cut young man who vaguely resembled a human being. Take this picture, for example, where he kind of looks like the metamorphosing Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf (or, for you hardcore fans, the metamorphosing Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf II):
Or even this image, where he’s clearly fornicating with a basketball:
Those days are long behind us, however, as Forrest has gone to great lengths to distinguish himself physically from the rest of the human race. Where a face used to be, there is the occasional scraggly hair. Some weeks it’s almost a beard. Other weeks — like this past week, for example — it’s a grotesquely familiar moustache that evokes memories of the notoriously unclean Morrison. And the greasy mop that seemingly crawls like ivy across Forrest’s head, threatening to engulf his entire body if not properly tended to, doesn’t do him any favors either. There have been some not-so-handsome Cougar players in recent history (Derrick Low and Robbie Cowgill come to mind), but Forrest is outperforming all of them, and that’s saying something.