Top 11: Sports Fans We Love To Hate

Not all sports fans are created equal.  Some are great, some aren’t so great.  Today, we focus on the least likable sports fans of all, the ones who are toughest to get along with, and the ones we will never, ever appreciate.

asianguy11. The Tour Group Photographer.

Vital signs: Asian; owner of million-dollar camera that dangles from neck strap; travels with groups of 40 or more.

Reason we hate them: The Tour Group Photographer doesn’t stop taking pictures, and it’s annoying as hell. When they aren’t taking pictures, they’re talking loudly in a language we can’t understand, interrupting our conversations about sports with their gibberish of unfamiliar descent. Worse yet, they’re part of a group that takes up an entire section of the stadium/arena, and are more interested in flipping through the pictures that have been stored on that camera, rather than the game going on before them.

10. A.D.D. Kid.

Vital signs: Under five-feet tall; travels with parents; has more energy than a speed addict.

Reason we hate them: If A.D.D. kid isn’t kicking your chair, screaming in your ear, or rambling on and on about nothing, that probably means he or she is eating, essentially refueling to punish you further in the near future. No one feels sorry for A.D.D. kid, and at sporting events that apathy is taken to a level of pure disdain. You’ll never see A.D.D. kid throwing out the first pitch, participating in the coin toss, or being honored at halfcourt because A.D.D. kid is even hated by the people at the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

A.D.D. Kid’s parents are fully aware that they’re going to hell for bringing A.D.D. Kid to the game, but they’re big sports fans, and ended up with A.D.D. Kid and all his issues after selling their souls to the Devil ten years ago in exchange for a miracle comeback, a free agent signing, or a championship of some sort.

9. Jumbotron Media Whore.

Vital signs: Brightly-colored clothing ensembles; large homemade posters; dancing, jumping, or other gyrations.

Reason we hate them: While we’re trying to focus on the game, they refuse to stop moving, yelling, screaming, and holding their sign for all the world to see in an attempt to get on the big screen.  They don’t care whose vision they obstruct, and they certainly don’t care about the contest taking place in front of them.  Their main goal in purchasing a ticket was to become semi-famous by appearing on a gigantic television set for five seconds in front of thousands of fans who do not care.

No, a talent agent will not spot them and think “model.”  No, the club will not hire them to help promote the team.  No, their friends won’t see.  No one will go home thinking, “My favorite part of the game was the crowd shots on the Jumbotron.”  And yet no one can get through to these people.

8. The One-Trick Heckler.

Vital signs: Beer; farmers tans; idiotic friends; loud, carrying voice.

Reason we hate them: Hecklers are great, unless they only have one line that they shout over and over and over again.  Last year, I sat in front of a group of frat boys that came to a Mariners came with the sole intention of harassing Texas Rangers right-fielder Marlon Byrd.  Instead of putting some thought into their heckling, they simply screamed “Byrdie” the entire game….nine innings worth.  Had someone given me a gun with six bullets in it, I would have known exactly what to do with it.

The One-Trick Heckler usually stumbles upon his punch line by accident, shouting it once, receiving a few snickers, and then sticking with it for the long haul, thinking it will only get funnier over time.  Wrong.  It was barely funny the first time, and nobody likes you.  You’re confused because you’re drunk, and you think that if you keep shouting your one stupid line, the hot chick in front of you is gonna be giving up the poontang tonight.  No chance in hell, bud.

7. The Guy Who Knows Everything, But Doesn’t Know Anything.

Vital signs: Friends who are less informed about the sport; a know-it-all approach to life.

Reason we hate them: Everything that TGWKEBDKA says is flat-out wrong, just wrong.  He thinks he’s teaching someone the nuances of the game, but really he’s just making us miserable.  He flubs players’ names again and again, recites fictional stats, shows no partiality towards either team, and vocally questions the decision-making of the players and coaches.

TGWKEBDKA aspires to be a Little League coach, but will never find a woman to reproduce with.  TGWKEBDKA hates his life, lives with two goldfish and a cat, and everyone secretly questions whether he happens to be gay or not.  He’s not, but he’s thought about giving it a shot.

6. The Seat Nazi.

Vital signs: Ticket in hand; angry look on face; checks in with usher (who does that?).

Reason we hate them: We’re sports fans.  We could find our seat in the middle of a billion-seat stadium in Africa if you gave us the opportunity.  It’s a talent real sports fans possess.  The Seat Nazi is not a real sports fan.  In fact, The Seat Nazi is only at today’s game because he’s part of a ticket-sharing program with a bunch of guys at the corporate office.  It doesn’t matter if the arena is full or empty, The Seat Nazi has to find HIS seat and sit in that exact seat, because it’s HIS and HE PAID FOR IT!  Of course, The Seat Nazi doesn’t actually look for his seat.  He just storms around the arena, confronting anyone who may be in HIS seat and telling them they need to move.

Eventually, The Seat Nazi gets to you.  “You’re in my seat,” he says.

“These are my seats,” you say.  “I sit here every game.”

“No, look at my ticket,” he snaps, “it says ‘Section 1, Row B, Seat 7’.  You’re in my f—ing seat!”

“Sir,” you kindly reply, “this is Section 253, Row ZZ, Seat 51.  Your seats are on the other side of the arena.  And I porked your mom last night, you son of a b—-.”  The Seat Nazi pretends he doesn’t hear that last part and stomps away in search of a new victim to confront.

5. The Librarian.

A real-life librarian
A real-life librarian

Vital signs: Conservative attire; usually in attendance with only one other person; no food; no sports-related clothing.

Reason we hate them: They don’t make any noise.  They abhor noise.  If you do anything more than issue a golf clap now and again, they will turn around and give you the eye.  They didn’t come to this barbaric show of athleticism to get involved.  They’re here to enjoy the purity of the sport, which means complete and total silence.  They don’t like children.  They don’t like television.  They don’t like anything outside of PBS and literature.  Why they are at this game, no one really knows.  But they’re ruining it for everyone around them with their bad attitude and sense of entitlement.

4. Super Angry Guy.

Vital signs: Dressed head-to-toe in sports-related apparel; 100% into the game; oblivious to everyone around him.

Reason we hate them: Super Angry Guy takes sports fanaticism too far.  We can all enjoy fan spirit to a certain degree, but Super Angry Guy crosses a line and then some.  He yells at someone or something every few plays.  He verbally chastises the head coach from the upper deck.  He cusses out the players when they fail to meet his standards.

There’s a good chance that Super Angry Guy has a gun or may be on steroids.  You want to tell him to shut up, but you fear that he’ll kill you if you so much as look at him.  Instead, you just pretend Super Angry Guy isn’t there and will eventually calm down.  No dice, however, as his behavior continues all game long.  There’s a good chance that when Super Angry Guy leaves the park, he’ll run over a few pedestrians in his Hummer on the way home, then take his anger out on the wife or kids, before eventually ending up in prison for some form of assault before the night is over.

3. The Disinterested Tagalong.

Vital signs: Carrying a book, newspaper, crossword puzzle, or text messaging device; bears no sports-related attire.

Reason we hate them: We get it.  You have to bring your wife/daughter/gay son to the game and there’s no getting out of it.  So you turn over a ticket to them and allow them to come with you.  They don’t give a flying rat’s ass about the game, and would rather spend two or three hours undergoing a lobotomy instead of being here with you.  But for one reason or another, they’re here and they’re bringing everyone down with their reading/texting/crossword puzzling.

So what if this game is sold out and arguably one of the single biggest sporting events of the year?  That won’t slow the Disinterested Tagalong down.  They plan on knocking out ten chapters tonight, or finishing up six or seven puzzles, or getting the lowdown on who gave who that BJ under the bleachers during third period gym class.  Not that you care.  You’d give your left and right nuts to be here tonight, regardless of who’s sitting next to you.  Of course, we’d rather you would have sold that ticket to a scalper, who in turn would have resold it to a true fan, but whatever.  It’s your ticket and your call, and this is the path you’ve chosen.  Bastard.

2. The Late Arriver.

Vital signs: Empty seats next to you at tipoff/first pitch/kickoff at what has been deemed a sellout.

Reason we hate them: It’s obvious.  You have all this aisle space NOW, but give it a few minutes and those seats next to you will be history.  The Late Arriver will undoubtedly show up at a critical point in the action, shimmy past you at a sloth’s pace to get to his or her seat, make a big to-do about settling into said seat, then immediately get up to get food after sitting for thirty seconds or so.  Oh, and the Late Arriver has a weak bladder, too, so get ready for frequent bathroom breaks.

In most cases, the Late Arriver isn’t all that knowledgeable about sports, and will likely head for the exits late in the game (at yet another critical juncture), simply to beat traffic.

Tool
Tool

1. Jersey Over Collared Shirt Guy.

Vital signs: A sports jersey being worn over a collared button-up shirt; usually worn in tandem with slacks or dress pants.

Reason we hate them: You’re not fooling anybody.  You just bought that jersey at the team store in a halfhearted show of support for the home team.  You left directly from work, where you’re the CEO of a company that makes a lot of money but offers little to society.  Every single one of your employees hates you and your wife is sleeping with your best friend.  You only come to these games because it’s the cool thing to do.  We wouldn’t normally spot you in the concourse like this, but you had to take a poo and the bathrooms near your suite are closed for cleaning.

Your jersey is white, pristine, and is an embarrassment to jerseys everywhere.  Our jerseys, on the other hand, are well worn, have a few mustard stains, and have been there through thick and thin with us.  After today, your jersey will hang in the closet collecting dust, doing a grave injustice to the name on the front and back of the uni.  Our jerseys will continue to be displayed proudly, ’til the names on the back have long since been forgotten, and the name on the front has been re-logoed time and again.  You show up, but that doesn’t make you a fan.  It’s impossible to buy passion, and you can’t put a price on love.  That’s not something you’ll ever understand, which is why you still wear your collared shirt under that brand new jersey.  Also, you look like an idiot.

54 thoughts on “Top 11: Sports Fans We Love To Hate”

  1. What a great list. I think I’ve encountered every single person on that list in the past year. My least favorite may be “Tour Group Photographer”.

    Last year I went to an M’s game where we were facing Dice-K and the Red Sox and I was somehow surrounded by a group of Japanese people (nothing against Japanese people. My Grandpa is Japanese.) that all had expensive cameras hanging from their necks. They sat down in their seats at the beginning of the game, watched Dice-K pitch and inning, Ichiro lead off the bottom half, and then left. They didn’t come back until Dice-K pitched again and again they left after that spectacle. Dice-K got hurt in the 5th or so with back stiffness or something and the Japanese group continued their trend of watching only the Japanese players when Ichiro came to bat.

    I think that “Obsessed with the Wave” fan needs to be an honorable mention. There is nothing quite as annoying as the guy that just moves his head around watching a wave travel around the stadium for the 10th f**king time and letting out a high pitched scream every time it gets to him. “Oh hey, you just missed Brandon Morrow strike out the heart of the Red Sox in the 9th because you were amazed at the human ability to stand up and raise both hands.”

  2. I was really hoping “Big Lo” was on this list but I guess he embodies many different facets of these various fans. I thought I might be a bit guilty of #7 however I knew I couldn’t be that guy and there is a perfectly logical reason …

  3. I think most of us can see parts of many of these manifest in our behaviour, but the fact that they’re not DOMINANT stands to make us typical fans. We have bits, but they combine in moderation to create a good or great fan.

  4. Great list…but it needs, “The Whistler”…a cousin to the one-trick heckler. Nothing all day long but sharp, piercing whistles to try and distract or make eye contact with a player. Nothing makes me want to beat my ticket price out of someone’s hide than 9 innings of air raid siren behind me.

  5. The last one should be changed to “Anyone over age 12 who wears a jersey” Its time to grow up kids, I don’t want to see some middle-aged guy sporting a football jersey thinking he’s part of the team. Jerseys are okay for little kids and stuff but once you start to pay your own bills you should hang it up in the closet and keep it there. There’s nothing wrong with sporting some team gear, but I always get the feeling the idiots who are wearing jerseys actually think they are part of the team and its just sad.

  6. I think a lot of guys view the jersey as the “ultimate” fan apparel. Unmistakable from any angle or view, can specifically support your favorite player, and is something special for game day…not just another t-shirt out of the closet. While I agree some fans take the notion too far (ie. putting their own name on the back) or don’t adhere to common sense (chicks in rinestone jerseys, guys tucking them in their pants)…the jersey is a great gameday apparel.

  7. The Super Angry guy really hits home here in Philly. I know we Philly fans are pretty tough on opposing players and fans but we have WAY too many Angry fans. I sat about 3 rows from a guy at a Temple Basketball game who looked like he roomed with Barry Bonds. Anytime some fan from the visiting team stood up to cheer he tried to “glare” them back in their seats. He was decked head to toe in Temple gear, complete with skin tight jersey. It was embarrasing as a Temple grad for one. I had the opportunity of running in to him in the crapper and asked what year he graduated and of course his next words were, “Oh I never went here but always been a big fan of Donte Christmas” Nice one guy

  8. awesome list alex!

    I felt like I dealt with The Guy Who Knows Everything, But Doesn’t Know Anything sitting around the frat guys at UW football games.

    The Jumbotron Media Whore was often present at hoops games.

  9. Good list. Seen all except the Tour Group Photographer. Is that just a Seattle thing cuz of Ichiro &co.?

  10. My family has had tickets to the Huskies for over 50 years, awesome seats we don’t want to give up. Unfortunately the frustrated es-high school football coach behind us has had them about as long. Every play he is yelling at the players what to do (they can’t hear you buddy, but I can). Every call is the wrong one, everyone is out of position, he knows best. Except he is an idiot, and now is son’s are old enough to have an opinion. Went to the Oklahoma game this year, didn’t expect that much. Apparently this guy did. First play of the game…FIRST PLAY, he is yelling about the safety being out of position. Then he wonders why the hell Locker doesn’t run every play because my God he is the only weapon we have. Then Locker runs and gets hurt and “My God why is Locker running? We need to protect him.” I agree with you that I know now why they pat people down. It isn’t for everyone’s saftey, just this guys.

  11. It’s good to see we are tatgeting Asians and hating them. Not all Asians are like that. You really didn’t need to put race in there. I think people would have recognized it without adding the racial stereotype.

  12. “It’s good to see we are tatgeting Asians and hating them. Not all Asians are like that. You really didn’t need to put race in there. I think people would have recognized it without adding the racial stereotype.”

    *A note about the author and founder of this site: Alex Akita is Asian, of Japanese descent.

    Thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Alex Akita

  13. “It’s good to see we are tatgeting Asians and hating them. Not all Asians are like that. You really didn’t need to put race in there. I think people would have recognized it without adding the racial stereotype.”

    I definitely didn’t stereotype in my comment. I actually put a caveat in my comment about my Grandpa being Japanese and I have 3 Japanese roommates who are good friends so there is definitely no stereotyping. It just seems like those that are the photographers have always been Japanese in my experiences.

  14. What about the idiots who wear a Sports Jersey to a game but that team is not playing. I was at the Thanksgiving day game in DTown and a guy was wearing a Quebec Nordics Jersey…COME ON!!

  15. I gotta say the late arriver is a total killer. As a broke ass college kid, buying the cheapest tickets and finagling my way down to the lower bowl or wherever is sports joy at its purest. Last year, I watched the Big 12 championship basketball game (eventual national champs KU vs. Texas) from 4 rows off the middle of the court for the entire first half before someone showed up to claim them. I felt like the seats should have been mine because I at least gave a damn about the game. The ticket usher didn’t.

  16. What a great freaking List. You have outdone yourself, Alex!!! I laughed out loud the whole time. I can relate to all of this. Especially Super Angry Guy, Number 8 and Number 7. I nearly got into a fight with a guy in front of me a few years ago who kept calling Sean Alexandra “Shaundra” the entire game….heck…..the entire season. Very annoying. Furthermore, he tried to argue (the whole season) that HE should be the Seahawks offensive coordinator…..the entire game. The next season after Sean left Seattle (idiot fan felt the powers that be “heard his pleas”) we eventually shook hands and buried the hatchet. What a freaking Tool.

    P.S. Oh, regarding the Marlyn Byrd incident. I was there…..we did end up laughing our ass off and by the 6th or 7th inning Byrd was looking up in the stands at our section. Man it was cold at that season opener……

  17. My least favorite is the golf tournament attendee who yells “in the hole” at every tee shot, even if it is a 500 yard Par 5 that Tiger couldn’t reach. Somehow the media thought this was cute at the last Bethpage Open, now there is always some jerk (probably a formerly overpaid Wall Streeter) who thinks that they are da man.

    The second irritant is the one who, as a player is walking up a fairway, will try to get his/her attention by calling out the player’s first name as if they have been roommates from the time they went away to camp.

  18. Oh man – Seat Nazi is the worst. Especially when they’re correct.
    True story that we can all relate to: I buy some tickets w/friends, but they are scattered because it’s a big game. We find a row of open seats that allows us to sit together. Seat Nazi arrives (alone) and has the spot in the middle of us. “Usher, over here!” We’ll see you in hell, Seat Nazi.

  19. The guy who steals your seat should be on the list, not the guy who shows up to claim the seat. You show up and have to have the weird akward conversation of “hey buddy, these are my seats” and the lame old, oh. i thought I was in my seat. You paid for it and some deuschbag is in their seat because they thought they could buy the cheapeast seat and work their way down to better seats.

  20. “Cell Pone Guy”, the a-hole next to you that yaps on the phone througout the entire game, who gives you the dirty look when you try to get by him to make a beer run.

    “I’m on TV guy”, the a-hole who spends the entire night trying to get the camera to pan over to him, and his cousin, Cell-phone TV guy who spend all day on the phone calling is friends to tell them to turn the channel to the Nats-Padres game because he’s on TV.

  21. Last year at one Mariners game Super Angry Guy who also had One-Trick Heckler tendancies was sitting across the aisle from us. He was on the umpires’s cases all night long, because he obviously could see better from section 315 than they could. Around the 7th inning, a close play was called at 2nd base. he jumped up and yelled, “Are you kidding me??!!” Some guy two rows behind us yelled, “Are you kidding him??!!” The whole section cracked up but One-Trick/Super Angry Guy never even noticed.

    BTW, my two daughters are Jumbotorn Media Aficianados. Yes, they have the signs, and jump around like crazy at the right times, but when the pitcher is set, they’re sitting down with the signs lowered.

    You’re Welcome.

  22. “BTW, my two daughters are Jumbotorn Media Aficianados. Yes, they have the signs, and jump around like crazy at the right times, but when the pitcher is set, they’re sitting down with the signs lowered.

    You’re Welcome.”

    That’s good parenting.

  23. I’d like to apologize to everyone who’s been affected by my being “super angry guy,” it’s a byproduct of my losing battle with alcoholism.

  24. Though I TOTALLY disagree with Steveo about the jersey being only for kids, I could accept his statement if it were changed to “guy who wears a jersey that has his own name on it, rather than a player.” There is nothing sadder than the guy who either didn’t play sports as a kid, or was cut from the team early on, trying to pretend that they made it to the pro level by slapping down some cash on a personalized jersey.

  25. the worst are definitely the girl who gets up 100 times a game and cant wait for the right time to go, also how annoying is getting up for them every time? and the people who leave early just to beat traffic because your losing going into the end of the game. “yeah we are down one run in the 8th with the heart of the lineup due up… why would anyone stay?”. Then they all just make traffic for each other by all of them leaving early…. idiots.

  26. What about the whiny liberal that wouldn’t step up and support their own team so now they spend their free time trolling blogs and newspapers from the city that now houses their team? Can’t stand those guys.

  27. I put forward “The Mean Old Man”, this old bastard is the same old man telling little kids in the neighborhood to get off his lawn.

    I went to a baseball game not long ago w/ an old married couple behind me and my buddy, like retired old. During a TRIPLE (the most exciting play in baseball) for the HOME TEAM, my buddy stood up to cheer on the hitter rounding the bases. I waited until the guy slide safely into third, aware of who I’d be blocking. But I was ready to throw the old dude down the stairs when he lit into my buddy for standing up.

    You come to a game, no one forces you to cheer, but you better expect that others will.

  28. More on the late arriver –
    At sports events where there is no assigned seating someone arrives just around the time the game is about to start (or 2 hours after everyone else) and thinks that they can push through the crowd to the best seats in the ground because they are entitled….

  29. A co-worker had to survive an entire season in front of a heckler who thought he was much, much cleverer than he really was. I sat in front of the TUH (The Unclever Heckler*) when the Sabres came to town. This was when Dominic Hasek was the goalie. The jumbotron displayed Hasek’s league leading 4 shutouts for the season, and the TUH screams “statistical aberration!” This was after multiple Vezina, Hart, goals against, etc. awards. My co-worker restrained me from turning around and slugging the blowhard….

    (* I never said I was a clever name generator – we’ll leave title that to Chris Berman)

  30. Brilliant read. I once had to sit behind a way too enthusiastic sports fan who really enjoyed standing, instead of sitting in his seat while watching the game. Jumping up occasionally cheering your team in the heat of the game, I get but seriously dude, blocking other people’s view of the entire game is simply not good sports-spectatorship.

  31. you left out the cell phone guy and the guy in the first level who spends 3/4 of the game standing up yelling + waving over to his douche bag buddy 46 sections over in the upper deck

  32. Great list. To round out the number to an even dozen… add the spoiled college kids who show up to games with mom and dad’s tickets… and a load of friends in tow… who treat the game like one big keg party. I am a huge sports fan from Boston – played everything from hockey to baseball to basketball, track & field, cycling. One time at an afternoon Cubs game at Wrigley years ago there was a pack of these types in a section down the 1st base line – directly in our sight of vision of home plate. They (and their friends with standing room only tickets who showed up and stood or sat on the stairs and aisles) stood up and kept the beer vendor standing there the entire game dispensing beer after beer after beer. Everyone in our section was blocked from seeing any action at the plate for at least 75% of the game, and complaints and requests for these idiots to please sit down were met with smart *ss responses. Stadiums need a better “Zero Tolerance” policy. Throw in “Zero Tolerance” for profanity, too. Now that I am a parent of young children – I would like to take them to some games without having to hear strings of 4 letter words all game long.

  33. great list … what about the concession stand guy. the guy who has 4 beers spilling all over the place with 5 hotdogs and 3 pretzels all balancing on top. doesnt he know that he just spilt 2 dollars and 35 cents worth of beer with that last drop

  34. Great list, but “Cell Phone Guy” definitely needs to be here; he is perhaps the most annoying creature seen at Wrigley Field, especially when he sits behind the plate. Also missing is “Only Pays With $20s Guy,” who seems to think I have nothing to do during my time at the game than to keep passing his change down to him.

  35. “I once had to sit behind a way too enthusiastic sports fan who really enjoyed standing, instead of sitting in his seat while watching the game. Jumping up occasionally cheering your team in the heat of the game, I get but seriously dude, blocking other people’s view of the entire game is simply not good sports-spectatorship.”
    Sorry but I have to disagree with this one. I HATE going to a UK game where the old blue hairs sit the entire game and only manage a proper queen’s clap during the most exciting moment of the game. There are too many folks who would LOVE to stand up and cheer on the Cats throughout the game who can’t get tickets because of the “old money” season ticket barons who won’t ever release their tickets. If you can’t stand up during the game then stay at home where you can watch it in the comfort of your LazyBoy!

  36. Really Great list.

    What about the guy who won’t Shut up and watch the damn game. It would be one thing if he or she was talking about the game but they are not. They are talking about everything but the game. Even with a few beers in you to relax you can’t ignore his or her constant chatter about nothing having to do with the game. Why are they here?

  37. I definatly think that the “Always complaining about the umpire/refs calls guy” should be in here.

    He blames his teams losing on bad calls by the umps/refs every time there is a close call….

  38. Along these lines, the guy or guys who cannot sit through a ~2 hour game without CONSTANTLY shoveling food down their gullets – we’re talking pizza, burgers, polish sausages, fries, etc. Not only is it obscene, but it forces fans around them to constantly pass food and beer down to them (and money both ways) instead of WATCHING THE GAME!

    How about eating BEFORE you come to the game or getting your fat ass up and going to the concession stand to feed your face?? I paid to watch a game, not to be some glutton’s personal conveyor of food and beer all game long.

  39. how about the “i’m too lazy/fat/unenthusiastic to stand up” guy. we ran into a group of them at a husky basketball game(the triple OT uw vs. cal game) where the entire arena was standing and cheering, but damn section 11(i think) kept yelling at me and my dad to sit down. we were like wtf you stand up, look at the rest of the arena!

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