Last year, I had an idea for a Mariners commercial featuring Richie Sexson and Raul Ibanez. It actually made sense, had a beginning, middle, and an end, and would have been fairly enjoyable to watch. I actually considered acting it out and posting it on YouTube, but that’s juvenile. So to be more adult about the whole matter, I’ve written out the script and posted it here, for you to enjoy.
TITLE: “Richie Strikes Out”
Scene #1: Peoria Sports Complex, under the lights, the big game. We’re led to believe that this is a real, regular season game, despite the fact that it’s being held at the team’s Spring Training facility, but that’s cool. Mariner first baseman Richie Sexson is up to bat with the game on the line, bottom of the ninth, two outs. The pitcher delivers, Sexson swings and misses for strike three, and the game is over. As Sexson walks back to the dugout, fans boo mercilessly at the failing slugger.
Fans (in unison): BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fan #1: You suck, Richie!
Fan #2: I tore the head off your bobblehead and stuck it on my Barbie because you hit like a girl!
Fan #3: My anger at your failures has forced my family to send me to therapy! I hate you!
Sexson enters the dugout with his head hung low and disappears into the locker room. End Scene.
Scene #2: Richie sits at his locker after the game as Raul Ibanez walks over to comfort him. Raul sits down to talk with the distraught Sexson.
Raul: It’s okay, big guy. Everybody has bad days.
Richie (sighing): I just don’t understand it, Raul. The fans boo me every time I strike out. Don’t they know I’m trying my hardest? I don’t know what to do, I feel so bad.
Raul: Don’t worry, slugger. I think I have a plan.
Raul pats Richie on the shoulder, gets up, and walks away. End scene.
Scene #3: Raul walks into manager John McLaren’s office with his plan.
Raul: Hey, Skip. Got a minute to talk?
John: Sure, Raul. What’s up?
Raul: I was just talking to Richie and he’s real down about his strikeouts lately. But I’ve got a plan I think will lift his spirits right up!
Raul and John huddle briefly. Their words are inaudible during the short conversation. They work out the plan, then break the huddle.
John: So it’s settled then, you’ll bat after Richie.
Raul: That’s it, Skip, sounds good.
John: You know, Raul, I’ve always admired that patch of facial hair beneath your lip. Some guys can’t pull it off, but you do.
Raul: Uh, Skip, that’s pretty awkward, but thanks.
John: Well, Raul, you know me, I’m a pretty awkward guy (laughs).
Raul walks out shaking his head. End scene.
Scene #4: Richie is at-bat and strikes out yet again. As he’s walking back towards the dugout, boos rain down on him. He is greeted by Raul, waiting on-deck, along the way.
Richie: Man, Raul, these fans really don’t like me.
Raul: They’re not booing you, Richie. They’re just cheering for me. You know…RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!
Richie brightens up immediately upon hearing this news.
Richie: Oh yeah, that’s it! RAUUUUUUUUUUL! Hah! I knew they still loved me!
End Scene. Quick cut to Dave Niehaus voiceover with Mariners logo and ticket hotline. Something about loving these guys, or Sodo Mojo, blah blah blah, back to the commercial.
Scene #5: Richie strikes out again but remains upbeat as he strolls merrily back to the dugout. Fans boo louder than ever before. Richie greets Raul.
Richie: Wow, Raul! This crowd really loves you!
Raul stares incredulously at Richie. He is in complete disbelief at Sexson’s utter stupidity. Deep down, however, he is happy that his plan has worked out accordingly. End Scene.