A list of things that bother me in the world of sports.
-The Canadian National Anthem at sporting events. Let’s face it, Canada. Without America, you’re nothing. Instead of playing the Canadian National Anthem before games, we should just play the Star Spangled Banner twice. Once for America, and once for our mooching cousin to the north.
-White boy college basketball players that play really, really hard but aren’t that good. These are the same people who will one day follow you home and kick your ass after you accidentally cut them off on the highway. They’re willing to fight you over the answer to a trivia question, and are way too intense about the little things in life, like cupcakes…”THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL CUPCAKES!!!” Calm down, big fella.
When it comes to ball, they turn a bump in the paint into a near-riot, and are frequent posters of the triple-single — single digit totals in three statistical categories, like points, assists, and rebounds. They’re usually on the team because they do the dirty work, which basically means the coach understands he would have to deal with a lawsuit if he were to cut this player. They are by no means talented, possess credit-card hops, and will one day torment young ballers half their age by being the cocky asshole that “played college ball” at the local YMCA.
-Fat pitchers in baseball. Some people are amused by David Wells-types. You know the type: morbidly obese pitcher who seemingly defies human nature by being able to repeat a rhythmic motion over and over again, thus allowing him to hurl a small ball at speeds of around 90 MPH. Fans get a kick out of witnessing Fatty McLardass come waddling in from the left-field bullpen, then gyrate and ooze his amorphous frame into a windup. They love it when he has to field his position, and really, really appreciate it when he has to bat.
Not me. I hate that garbage. I think Bartolo Colon is the anti-athlete, and I have no problem seeing him fail at all aspects in life. It’s one thing to be hefty, but a whole ‘nother matter when you’re fat. The Bartolo Colons and David Wellses of our world are fat, and their pitching bugs the crap out of me.
– East Coast Bias. I can understand that most sports news is generated west of the Mississippi. I get that. There are more sports teams crammed into the densely populated Eastern Seaboard than there are out West, so that makes sense. Still, it seems like the good folks at ESPN, Fox Sports, and Sports Illustrated don’t even make an attempt at researching the goings-on of West Coast teams, regardless of the sport (though mostly in college). It’s flat-out bad journalism at its finest, and it’s a joke.
For instance, last week I heard an interview with a guy on Fox Sports Radio who said that the four best college basketball teams out west were UCLA, Arizona State, UNLV, and Utah State. What?! What?! Idiot! Off the top of my head I can name at least five teams that would run UNLV and Utah State out of the gym–Gonzaga, St. Mary’s, Franklin High School, California, and Arizona–and already know that Washington is very capable of beating both UCLA and ASU. Did this guy do any research, or was he merely guessing? Do any of these national sports journalists do any real work, or are they simply collecting the paycheck and heading home at the end of the day?
If you can tell me that these guys are working their absolute hardest and still producing crap, then that’s one thing, but I have a feeling that more often than not they simply just aren’t putting much effort into the research that leads to their half-assed results.
-Wayne Chism’s headband. Damn it, Wayne Chism. Either take your headband off, or put it on. Don’t leave it hanging there atop your dome like a lazy crown, ready to pop off at the slightest touch. Every time I see Tennessee take to the floor I want to run out there, snatch Chism’s headband, and go running away, evading security and the angry Chism as I flee to safety.
To me, Chism’s headband says, “I’m a lazy mofo that doesn’t know how to dress myself in the morning.” Chances are, Wayne’s casual attire consists of a flat-billed New Era baseball cap with too many colors and no discernable team logo perched at an angle on his skull; one of those big-ass Nascar jackets that says “OREO” on the back; super-baggy South Pole and/or Paco jeans; and fake Nike Air Force Ones. I hate Wayne Chism.
-Nomar Garciaparra’s batting glove routine. Hey Nomar, you wanna know why no one has signed you to a contract yet? Because you’re crazy! You don’t just have OCD, you have an advanced, chronic, terminal form of OCD that causes you to think you don’t have OCD and makes you angry when people question your OCD. I’ve never seen anyone do anything so foolish in my life. At first, people were tolerant of your jittery mannerisms in between EACH AND EVERY PITCH of an at-bat. But at this point, it’s gotten out of hand. No one wants to see you unstrap and restrap each batting glove fifty times a game, and so we’ve outcast you from the game of baseball. It’s unfortunate that your quirky behavior has led to this, but I can honestly say I’m not sorry to see you go. Please be gone, and stay away forever.
-Flopping in soccer. Every time a soccer player intentionally flops in a game, the penalty should be five minutes in a “penalty box” type cage with a hungry lion. This would a) eliminate flopping and b) on the rare occasion that a player does flop, provide an interesting new avenue to soccer that we can all enjoy.
-Missed layups in women’s basketball. I don’t have anything to say about this really. It’s just flat-out horrible, and is as prevalent as disease on the Mayflower. Bugs the living crap out of me. Needs to stop.
That’s all for now. More to come at a later date.