Worst. Press conference. Ever.
That about sums up Alex Rodriguez’s meeting with the media this morning. It was Godawful, and A-Rod did nothing to repair his image in any way, shape, or form. In fact, if you didn’t walk away from that joke of a press conference hating Alex Rodriguez even more than before, you might be stricken with an illness of some sort that you should probably have looked at by a doctor.
Let’s recap some of the highlights of the media session, shall we.
- Rodriguez kicked off the festivities by reading a statement he had prepared with the help of an expensive, high-profile P.R. firm that sounded as if it was written by a third-grader. Two things we can take from this: 1. Never read a prepared statement when admitting guilt and wrongdoing and 2. P.R. firms are a waste of money.
- While reading his statement, A-Rod used his “Latino Voice,” probably to incite some sympathy from those watching who find accents sexy. I hate A-Rod’s Latino Voice. How is it that 10, 15 years ago the man spoke perfect English, and ever since then he’s regressed to an ESL level? What’s the deal? Jennifer Lopez does this, too. When she was in “Selena” she spoke excellent English. Over the years, however, she’s become more and more ethnic with her vocal inflections. Is this their way of pulling the race card? What’s the deal? At some point in time is A-Rod going to pull a Sammy Sosa and feign a complete lack of understanding of the English language? Will he only speak in Spanish by season’s end? I need answers! STOP CONFUSING ME!
- He also named the drugs he was using, which of course only serves to perpetuate the lie he told Peter Gammons last week. Remember a week ago, when Alex Rodriguez said that he didn’t know what he had put in his body? That wasn’t the case today, when he labeled substances that Barry Bonds is unfamiliar with in detailing his steroid user over the years. He wants us to trust him, but we know he’s already told multiple lies in the last seven days. Nice.
- He contradicted himself, stating at one point that he “knew we weren’t taking Tic Tacs” in referencing his drug use, then later claiming he was “young and stupid” and hadn’t known he had done anything wrong after “all these years.” To quote Dave Chappelle, “I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” And like Chappelle says, that excuse only works for white people. Swing and a miss, A-Rod.
- He cited not going to college for his youthful stupidity. Some of the smartest people in the world don’t go to college. By the time you’re 18, college probably isn’t going to help you avoid stupidity. Plus, you were an athlete committed to the University of Miami, so had you actually attended college, you’d still be stupid anyways. Face.
- He sold out his cousin as the proprietor of his steroid collection. That’s cold, homes. Ese don’t roll like that.
- He spent nearly 40 seconds after reading his statement standing before his teammates, saying nothing, appearing to be on the verge of a breakdown, before simply saying, “Thank you.” The Daytime Emmy goes to…Alex Rodriguez, for his performance as a broken down Spanish-American athlete who can’t control his emotions when telling untruths to large groups of people!
- He stated that his portrayal of SI journalist Selena Roberts (the writer who originally broke the steroids story) as a stalker who tried to break into his home when his children were sleeping was a “misunderstanding of the facts.” A misunderstanding of the facts? How do you say “idiot” in Latino Voice?
A-Roid, A-Fraud, call him what you want. Basically, he’s a joke, a worthless human being that provides little to society. Nobody likes him, trusts him, or believes what he has to say. It’s unfortunate that this is what his life has become, but that’s what happens when you cheat on your wife with Madonna, I guess.