Headlines

Ortiz wants juicers to face one-year ban. Boston Red Sox designated hitter (and former Mariner farmhand) David Ortiz says he wants those baseball players who test positive for steroids to be suspended for one year.  This means that a) Ortiz doesn’t use steroids b) Ortiz used to use steroids, but no longer does (possible, considering a drop in production the last few years) c) Ortiz uses steroids, but is confident that his piss is clean (very possible, considering modern technology and the advancement of drugs) or d) wants Alex Rodriguez to miss the ’09 season (most likely).

Phelps escapes pot charge. South Carolina police will not prosecute Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps following the publication of a photo depicting Phelps using a bong.  The reasoning offered by the South Carolina sheriff for their decision not to prosecute is based on a lack of evidence that Phelps actually smoked from the bong in question.

Okay, how stupid is it that they wanted to prosecute in the first place?  Is there a greater cry for attention than a criminal case against a PHOTO?  Had the SC sheriff’s department actually followed through on their threats to prosecute, I would have to boycott the state of South Carolina for the rest of eternity.  It seems like a nice place, but apparently must be run by idiots.

Fred Taylor cut. ATTENTION JACKSONVILLE: HOW COULD YOU CUT FRED TAYLOR, THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS EVER CONSISTENLY RUN THE BALL FOR YOUR FRANCHISE, A HERO TO YOUR CITY AND A LEADER IN THE CLUBHOUSE?!  WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!  CAN’T WE APPRECIATE LOYALTY AND CONSISTENCY IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE?!  DAMMIT!!

Phoenix Suns in complete disarray. First they fire head coach Terry Porter, then they suspend star guard Jason Richardson.  Porter was a victim of his own system, a slow-down, defense-first attitude that didn’t groove with the uptempo Suns.  J-Rich was given a one-game ban for driving 90 MPH in a 35 MPH zone, with his unrestrained three-year-old son riding shotgun.  Nice.  GM Steve Kerr needs to pull a Roger Dorn and reinstate himself to take Richardson’s place.  At the same time, he can pull a Little Big League and name himself acting manager as well.  If he can assume three roles, it may ensure that he’s not 100% canned from the organization at season’s end.

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