Sexy Times at FSN Studios

Like the opening scenes of a low-budget, poorly-cast porno, the air surrounding the Bellevue studios of Fox Sports Northwest last night was awkward, and filled with sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lamar Hurd, former Oregon State hoopster and current FSN college basketball insider, sitting to the left of your screen. Nicole Zaloumis, studio analyst and certifiable bombdotcom sexapalooza, on the right. Between them, electricity capable of cutting down the “just friends” barrier and turning your ordinary workplace into the scene of a hot, steamy love affair of epic proportions. Yeah, baby.

It started right away. As soon as the Washington-Oregon State game finished, FSN cut away to the studio, where Zaloumis had to quickly pull herself together. “I found myself pulling for Oregon State tonight,” she said, drawing a deep breath in with a certain fluster, “and that’s probably because I’m sitting next to…Lamar Hurd.” The name rolled off her tongue like sugary sweet candy. Never mind that he’d once been dubbed “Turd” by a rival student section; tonight, “Lamar Hurd” sounded more like “Fabio McLovin.”

Hurd, for his part, handled the transition gracefully. Of course, they only show the analysts from the waist up. So who knows what was really going through his mind.

The comments between the hosts were flirtatious, and the glances from camera to partner became more longing and blissful. For a time, there was direct eye contact between Zaloumis and Hurd, as if the camera didn’t exist, as if no one was watching. They were talking defense, but only thinking about scoring.

A break for highlights around the league allowed the former Beaver point guard a moment to compose his emotions while Zaloumis read the feed. Once completed, the transition back into studio revealed a cocky, smirking Lamar Hurd, one who appeared to have benefited from extra special attention during the break. Bearing the kind of facial expression that says to the world, “Hell yeah, I just tapped that,” Hurd silently boasted his accomplishments through my TV set. He began discussing the play of his alma mater, but suffice it to say he had a different Beaver on the brain.

They were one touch, one accidental bump away from turning this into the “Lamar and Nicole Gone Wild” show. One slip of the tongue away from renting a room at the Residence Inn. Two good-looking people bringing an X-rated feel to the set of the local sports network. Perhaps the most interesting thing FSN had ever broadcast.

When it was through, my pulse finally slowed, and I could relax again. I felt as if I, too, had been in the room with them. They had managed to step through the screen, breaking down the boundaries of television, and doing what any good broadcaster hopes to do. Their emotion was real, the desire strong. Like two rabbits awakened from a winter’s hibernation, prepared to fornicate for the duration of spring, Lamar Hurd and Nicole Zaloumis had sat there, side by side, parading their blossoming love affair for all to see. It was passionate, it was genuine. But more than anything else, it was beautiful.

8 thoughts on “Sexy Times at FSN Studios”

  1. I would have seen this, but I try to watch as little of FSN as I can. I’m not sure if it was the camera angles that denied us viewing the UW alley-oops, or the “Coming up at halftime” graphic that showed 8 minutes into the second half, but I hate that network.

  2. Ahahaha… I’m about to watch and tape the replay of the game. This sounds just disturbing enough to be awesome. You know, have you ever considered writing those smutty romance novels? You’d be pretty good at it.

    OMG. SeattleSportsnet ROMANCE BETWEEN STARS. You take two Seattle Sports Stars (or villians) and write a brief romance about them. Bingo. Good idea. First suggestion? A-Rod and Clay Bennett.

  3. Oh and by using the word ‘bombdotcom’ you have won my loyalty pretty much forever considering it’s rare I hear that word come out of someone else’s mouth (fingers?).

  4. Jazzaholic – I like your creative ingenuity. You know Alex, his idea about writing brief excerpts between Seattle’s villains would be awesome. Maybe some fictional dialogue exchanges. Kind of like Big Daddy Drew does at the Kissing Suzy Kolber blog. I’m thinking a bromance dialogue between Bret Boone and A-Rod would be good, but nothing like the bromance between David Stern, Howard Shultz and Turd-blossom Clay Bennett.

    Matt H.

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