Alex Flanagan is no Erin Andrews, and other Superbowl musings

No one cares that Pittsburgh won. I don’t care. You don’t care. We all do not care. We hate the Steelers. We revile Ben Roethlisberger’s unusually chubby, reconstructed face. We despise the angry little Korean man residing in half of Hines Ward. We want to hack off Troy Polamalu’s greasy locks. To sum it up, the Pittsburgh faithful can take their six Superbowl trophies, and fornicate themselves.

All that said, the Superbowl is much bigger than the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Arizona Cardinals, or even John Madden. Sure, you might remember Larry Fitzgerald’s mad dash to a futile score, or Santonio Holmes’s miracle game-winning catch, but chances are you’re waaaaaaaay more pumped about Transformers 2, G.I. Joe, or even Danica Patrick’s morning shower. Which is why we’re here to dissect the Super day that was. If it happened between 3:00 and 7:30 PM yesterday and couldn’t be found in the “real news,” we’ve got your analysis right here.

The sideline reporting blew. Andrea Kremer, elfish sprite, teamed with Alex Flanagan, an old-ass version of Erin Andrews, which is NBC’s subtle way of saying “we realize that Andrea Kremer isn’t very attractive.” Together, they formed a dynamic duo of boring proportions. In my mind, I pictured a Superbowl sideline dream team of Erin Andrews (for the looks and professionalism) and Tony Siragusa (for the comic relief and the ex-player insider info). With Kremer and Flanagan, we got neither of these things.

Not Erin Andrews. Also, nice shades on the fat guy in back.

Pepsi dominated the ads. First, Pepsi got things started with an awe-inspiring commercial featuring Bob Dylan and singing side-by-side. Then, they switched over to humor with a Pepsi Max spot that showcased guys getting the crap beat out of them by the likes of bowling balls, two-by-fours, low-hanging overpasses, and rooftop explosions. All in all, Pepsi captivated both ends of the spectrum: the cool, snazzy graphically stimulating ad, plus the humorous laugh out loud bit that keeps fans entertained between game action.

Pepsi Max’s “I’m Good” ad

Boozer’s Neverland Ranch, E-Trade’s talking babies, glass-jawed koalas, and old ladies chasing ostriches. The ads that moved us.

Carlos Boozer leaves us asking just one question in this ad for Is Boozer the new proprietor of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch? What’s with all the little kids? And where are their parents? Can we really trust Carlos Boozer, or is this just a precursor to his inevitable sitdown with Chris Hansen on “Dateline: To Catch a Predator?” Too many questions, zero answers.

Just when it seemed like the E-Trade talking baby commercials were getting old, the E-Trade marketing staff pulled out all the stops by introducing a singing, token ethnic baby. Solid maneuver. The new guy makes his presence felt by overshadowing the mainstay, busting out a spirited rendition of ’80’s pop band Mr. Mister’s hit single “Broken Wings.” Nice.

We send Michael Vick to prison for mistreating animals, yet get a huge laugh out of witnessing a talking koala get socked in the face. It’s a cruel world we live in. Either way, this ad from likely had your entire Superbowl party near tears by the time it finished and can righteously be summed up in two words: “It’s gold.”

Old ladies chasing pet ostriches. It doesn’t get much better than that. Anytime a marketing staff can exploit the talents of exotic animals, they’re onto something big. That’s the case with this Pedigree ad, which closes with a disinterested cow attempting to catch a frisbee. Good work.

John Madden sounded like a real pro. It was as if the producers kept whispering in Madden’s ear everything he was supposed to say. Unlike most games, where Madden will utter at least a few phrases that has the network groaning and fans giggling, he seemed to ponder every word carefully during yesterday’s broadcast and made no such mistakes. The only sentence I caught that sounded straight out of the video game: “He’s one of those guys that will get penetration.”

Brenda Warner is ugly, and the Warners win a Superbowl. Brenda Warner is hot, and the Warners lose. Does anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, Brenda Warner sold her soul to the devil in order to get those unprecedented good looks? Because she was really butch before, but now appears to have undergone a full decade’s worth of plastic surgery.

What have you done with Brenda Warner?

You know, the first time Kurt Warner won a Superbowl, all you heard about was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. But now they’re losing, and Jesus isn’t getting any love at all. What have the Warners done to piss off Jesus, we wonder? Comisserated with Satan himself to make Brenda beautiful. And now they lose.

And who is this imposter?

Did Andrea Kremer look truly frightened in her post-game interview with James Harrison, or was it just me? Steelers linebacker James Harrison was on the receiving end of a goal-line interception that led to a 100-yard return for a touchdown. Were it not for Santonio Holmes’ last-minute catch, Harrison would likely have taken home the Superbowl MVP award. So he was fairly deserving of the post-game interview. That said, NBC sideline reporter Andrea Kremer looked fairly timid asking the defensive standout questions after the game. And well she should be.

Despite all his positive plays, Harrison was caught on camera in the second half simply abusing Arizona safety Aaron Francisco. Harrison violently shoved Francisco three times, picking up a foul in the process. Worse yet, Harrison treated Francisco to a teabag sandwich prior to the physical abuse, holding Francisco face-first against his junk. It was one of those plays that made you realize that after his playing career his over, James Harrison will undoubtedly commit a crime that will land him in prison for the rest of his life.

Fear this man.

All of which led to Kremer’s interview. On screen, both Kremer and Harrison appeared awkward speaking with one another. Really, who knows what happened before the cameras started rolling. Maybe Harrison had pulled Kremer up to his junk the way he did with Francisco. Maybe Harrison greets everyone with a bag of tea. Who knows for sure. All I know is, that interview was weird, and James Harrison is crazy.

What happened to the post-game Cadillac presentation for the MVP? Remember how the Superbowl MVP used to be presented with a brand new Cadillac? I guess the recession has caused American automobile companies to rethink giving away any freebies. I kept waiting for Santonio Holmes to be presented a new car, because I honestly think it would be the best thing ever to watch.

Remember a couple years ago when Tom Brady won his first Superbowl, and then was presented one of those ugly half-pickup truck, half-SUV Cadillacs? Brady seemed genuinely disinterested in the fact that he was getting this eyesore for a vehicle. He already had that superstar air about him, and knew that with the money he was set to take home in his next contract, he wouldn’t have to drive no freebie pickup SUV.

Santonio don’t need no trophy.

But with Santonio Holmes I figured things would be different. Picture Cadillac rolling out a pimped out Escalade on 24’s with spinners. Now picture Santonio Holmes, a young man who comes from a poor neighborhood in Florida where he used to deal drugs as a kid and chase rabbits, on the receiving end of this wonderful vehicle. I pictured Dan Patrick interviewing him on the podium, with Holmes stopping his reply mid-sentence as soon as the Caddy rolled out.

“Ohmahgawd Dan, ohmahgawd! Hold on, hold on…Is that mah car?! That’s mah car?! OH SHEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT! That’s mah car?! Gawddamn, that’s mah car! I done won me that car! F— the trophy, I don’t need no trophy, I got me that Es-ca-lade right over there!” Holmes then goes running off the podium as the cameras follow. It’s a beautiful scene, as he tackles the hood of the car, lovingly caresses the windshield, and brings Cadillac their biggest sales in years. And, on a positive note, we’re convinced that Santonio Holmes really enjoys this car. That’s what we like to see, dreams coming true for people who truly deserve to have those dreams come true. It’s a beautiful thing. And that’s what the Superbowl is all about.

One thought on “Alex Flanagan is no Erin Andrews, and other Superbowl musings”

  1. I swear to God that if I ever see that ad again I’m going to punch a koala. Everyone I was watching the Super Bowl with absolutely hated it and nobody could remember what it was advertising. Fail.

    The real success ads from the Super Bowl were those 2 one second slots. The first was for Miller High Life and the ad just showed that big black guy that takes away Miller High Life from people that don’t deserve it yelling, “HIGH LIFE!” and the other was just an Ivars logo and someone screamed “IVARS!” Marketing gold.

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