Condoleezza Rice, WTF?

Condoleezza Rice, the former Secretary of State under George W. Bush, has surfaced as a possible candidate to replace Tom Hansen as Pac-10 commissioner later this year. Rice, the one-time provost at Stanford, claims to be a diehard football fan who maintains close ties with the conference and cites her dream job to be commissioner of the NFL (watch out, Roger Goodell).

On an interesting side note, during her tenure with the Tree from 1993-1999, she maintained a relationship with a guy you may have heard of, football coach, kind of looks like he could be her brother…oh yeah, Tyrone Willingham. Yes, the very same. Which means that she’s tight with Paint-Dry and Dubya, and a bit of a stiff herself.

I never thought I’d say this, but if Canneloni Rice becomes Pac-10 commish, you can give me back Tom Hansen. I’d rather have the inept, lame-duck, in-bed-with-FSN incumbent than an overzealous, conservative, government-type with connections to two of the worst leaders in the history of mankind.

Imagine a regime led by Chickenand Rice. First of all, there’s Tyrone Willingham, right-hand man, patrolling the league in hypocritical fashion; Washington might just lead the league in rules violations under his watch.


Then you have our new TV deal. Instead of Fox Sports, we now broadcast games on Fox News. Sean Hannity on the call. Brian Davis on the color. Craig Ehlo, sideline reporter.

George W. Bush, former owner of the Texas Rangers, finally has his chance to get back into the sports game. Here comes your new A.D. at USC.

Showcasing her conservative ideals, Rice would turn a blind eye towards the big business that is Oregon athletics. So what if recruits are earning a six-figure paycheck and decked out in Nike gear? This is America.

We can’t stand to let this happen. Three words, people: NO WE CAN’T! When it comes to Condoleezzbo Rice, we simply can-not. I hereby throw my support behind any other candidate who isn’t Condoleezza Rice. This is the GDMF (two hyphenated words I can’t print respectably print here) Pac-10! This is not some one-horse mid-major like the Sun Belt or the West Coast Conference where we can just piddle around and make foolish decisions for the sake of publicity! We are one of the elite athletic conferences in this great nation, and it would be un-American of us not to strive to become America’s Favorite Conference when all is said and done. This is the Conference of Champions, a parade of winners, home to eight of this country’s finest academic and athletic institutions (and also Oregon and Washington State). We need to stand up for what is right, and strike down the evils of what is wrong. That is why when it comes to our next commissioner we need to do what’s best for our present and our future. We need to support anyone else. Anyone besides Condominium Rice.

America, when it comes to Condoleezza Rice for Pac-10 commissioner, just remember three very important words: NO WE CAN’T! Thank you.

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