DARE: To keep your kids from looking like Kirk Radomski

If you want to teach kids about the evil side effects of steroid usage, look no further than Kirk Radomski’s head. An oddly bulbous half-square, half-orb, Radomski’s noggin should be featured in its own infomercial with the message “Don’t do steroids…or you’ll look like this guy.”

Radomski, the former Mets clubhouse attendant/reputed steroid user/reputed steroid dealer, has spent the last few days all over ESPN, accusing everyone from Doc Gooden to David Justice of using steroids purchased from Radomski, Inc. If you’ve heard anything the man has said, congratulations, it means you’ve managed to look past his Nintendo Wii-like skull. “Is that a Wii Mii?” “No, no, that’s just Kirk Radomski.”

Let’s take a look back at a happier time, the 1980’s to be precise, when Kirk Radomski still had a regular-size melon. Here he is with Dwight Gooden:

Note the lineage of the face, the narrowing of the chin, all regular features of your average face.

Now let’s examine the ’90’s version of Kirk Radomski. The once-girlish frame is gone, replaced by a freakishly disproportionate number of muscles. In addition, the head has changed shape, evolving from your standard oval to a Transformer-like rectangle. Nice tan, by the way. Ladies, he’s available.

Finally we have Kirk Radomski, 2009. Combining both human and robot elements, Radomski’s cranium defies the laws of nature and seems to explode from the cheeks outward. His eyes, once normally aligned in the center of his dome, now appear beady and shoved together. From the nose up, we see Shrek. From the nose down, a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. To top it all off, the once muscle-infested body now more closely resembles a beer keg.

See kids, drugs are bad. Especially steroids. They’ll make your family jewels shrink and turn you into an ugly Shrekbot Wiimunk. Nobody wants that. Just say no.

*Photos courtesy ESPN.com.

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