Superbowl week got you down? That’s why we’re here, to lift your spirits and make life worthwhile once again. Stick with us and come Sunday you’ll be in full Party Mode, ready to watch the lesser of two evils emerge as the best team in the NFL. With most Seattleites having zero vested rooting interest in either Pittsburgh or Arizona, we’ve come up with a list of things we all want to see happen during the Big Game.
1. Mike Holmgren as a sideline reporter. The ex-Seahawks coach will be working as a member of NBC’s Superbowl broadcast team, meaning he’ll be part of a group that already includes Al Michaels and John Madden. Where will he fit in, you ask? Hopefully on the sideline, where his sense of humor, vast knowledge, and intense passion can be exploited to the fullest. If the stars align just right, maybe we can get the guy dancing, Tony Siragusa style, or at the very least sport a Hawaiian shirt amidst the sunshine of Tampa. A 6’5″, 250 pound guy in a Hawaiian shirt is funny by itself.
2. Anquan Boldin box Ben Roethlisberger in the Battle of Reconstructed Faces. Roethlisberger (or BRo, as I call him) chiseled off his old mug in 2007 following a motorcycle accident. Boldin was defaced in a game earlier this season, following a vicious helmet-to-helmet collision in the end zone. Together, they’ll square off in the Fight of the Century to determine once and for all who looks weirder now than they did before!
3. Hines Ward get jacked up to the point of tears. Hines Ward is a wide receiver who likes to hit people. At least once a game, it seems, Ward will throw a crushing block that knocks out an opposing player. To top it off, he’s an outspoken advocate of his own ability to do damage and plays the game more like a rambunctious free safety than your typical offensive skill player. Which is why America would love to see Ward get the piss knocked out of him. Just once, on the world’s biggest stage. And then cry. Not just a tear or two, but a flat-out waterworld bawl session. I want to see Hines Ward sitting on his ass weeping after getting hit. Then I want to see Tom Jackson and Chris Berman yell “Hines Ward got….JACKED UP!” on ESPN. Yes, that’s my dream.
4. A one-second commercial that simply says “F— Yeah!” with a company’s logo beneath it. So here’s my idea. Let’s say you have enough money in your corporate budget to fund a one-minute Superbowl commercial. You want to make a great commercial, but you just don’t know how to go about doing it. Solution: You spend the funds on a one-second blip that reads “F— Yeah!” in big bold letters–Impact font, underline, shadow, the works–with your company’s logo beneath it. A small portion of the funds pays for the ad. The remaining majority of the money pays for the FCC fine. In the process, you create the most controversial television advertisement ever and become an instant marketing sensation, as well. Your company’s logo is now recognized worldwide and your one-second flash is all anyone can talk about come Monday. I know, I should be getting paid for these ideas.
5. Kurt Warner announce he’s gay. Not only will he do it, but he’ll do it with style. After scoring on a one-yard TD run early in the first quarter, Warner will celebrate by running to the goalpost, reaching under the padding and removing a rainbow flag. Then, he’ll run to the sideline and have a teammate awaiting his arrival with a big jacket that says “Kurt Warner: Gay 2009, HOF 20??” on the back, a la Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson. At that point, he’ll display his rainbow flag and run over to the sidelines where his wife, Brenda, will be waiting. In a not-so-surprising development, Brenda (FYI, who happens to be a lot better looking than she once was) will remove her wig and breast implants, revealing that she is and always has been Brendan Warner.
Kurt and Brendan Warner.
6. Larry Fitzgerald retire from football. The Cardinals have just won the Superbowl and Fitzgerald is handed a mic on the makeshift podium at midfield. He then issues this brief statement: “I just want to take this opportunity to announce that I’m retiring from the game of football. Also, I’m the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Thank you.” Defensive backs around the league fund the going-away party, and Fitzgerald takes off on an intellectual quest of some sort around the globe, never to be seen or heard from again. He leaves football at the top of his game, and carves a Barry Sanders-esque mythical legend. The Seahawks go on to reclaim the division title in ’09 by sweeping Arizona. All is right with the world.
7. A non-geriatric perform the halftime show. Not gonna happen this year, I guess. Bruce Springsteen is the featured act, meaning the Superbowl Halftime Show Committee has pretty much outlined their prerequisites for performing artists, post-Janet Jackson Boobgate as follows:
- Over 50 years of age.
- Male (meaning no boobs, unless you up and decide to forgo other criteria and book Charlie Weis, Bill Parcells, or the lead singer of Rascal Flatts).
- Non-ethnic (meaning no big physical features that could possibly elude clothing).
- Heterosexual (meaning no Clay Aiken, no Lance Bass, no Elton John, no George Michael, and no Michael McDonald).
None of this.
8. Tim Hightower get mauled by a lion. Okay, this is more of a personal matter involving me and Hightower, but it’s worth noting. Hightower is the Cardinals number two running back and a perennial underachiever since about midseason. Over the course of the 2008 fantasy season, I picked the bastard up off waivers three separate times (meaning I had dropped him twice in between) in hopes of snaring lightning in a bottle. For a few weeks, the strategy worked. Hightower started the year as a goal-line back, taking touchdowns away from Edgerrin James. Then, with James’ struggles, Hightower emerged as the starter. That’s when everything went dark. Hightower laid an egg the remainder of the year, then crapped all over my fantasy team, the Compton Honkies. Sure, the Honkies finished the season second overall, but the drop in morale likely cost us the championship (I take my fantasy seriously). Ultimately, I was forced to send Hightower to the waiver wire a third time when the season was complete. It’s a keeper league, so the move had repercussions, but in the end I just wasn’t willing to give Hightower another chance.
9. A sinkhole swallow up both teams during the game. What better way to get revenge on two of our rivals then to witness the earth devour them, coaches and all, during the Superbowl? Short of every player tearing his ACL and being forced to sit out the ’09 season, this would be sweet, sweet justice for Hawks fans everywhere. Forced to pick a winner between two teams you would hate to see come out on top, your dilemma is resolved now that they’ve completely disappeared into the Land of the Lost. It’s a celebration!