The Top 11: Sports Headlines of 2009

It’s finally here, 2009. The year 2008 is in the books now, which means we can officially move on to the brand new year that starts today. We’re here to preview how sporting events will unfold over the next 365 days by presenting 11 headlines from the year that will be. Unlike our usual Top 11’s, this time we’ve included all 11 headlines in one countdown list for you to enjoy. Without further ado, the Top 11 Sports Headlines of 2009. Happy New Year, and Happy Top 11 Day!

11. Kids shoot selves in legs as fad sweeps nation. Cite idol Plaxico Burress for “heroic” actions.

10. Senior citizen M’s fans have nothing left to live for as Bloomquist finally gets chance to play. They’ve made showing off their Willie a lifelong mission.

9. Clay Bennett poisoned by tainted Starbucks latte. Former Sonics owner Schultz gets last laugh.

8. Asian community to honor Jake Rocker. Husky QB handles understandable name flub with maturity beyond his years.

7. Future social outcast loses National Spelling Bee by botching “Zduriencik.” Nerd’s parents saw sports as evil temptation.

6. Alex Rodriguez cheats on Madonna with Clint Eastwood. Admits to having an improper liking for floppy, leathery skin.

5. Brett Favre carted off the set of Wrangler Jeans commercial. Hall of Fame QB finally gets jacked up by ad’s actors who used to half-ass their roles as defensive linemen.

4. Arizona Cardinal Steve Breaston censored by American Family Association. AFA to refer to wideout as Steve Mammaryglandon.

3. Mike Vick mauled by pitbull seconds after release from prison. Ironically, pitbull doused Vick in water before electrocuting ex-quarterback.

2. Michael Phelps victimized by 12,000-calorie per day diet. Eight-hundred-pound swimmer forklifted out of bed on Maury Povich Show; reluctantly heads to boot camp with juvenile delinquents who hate their parents.

1. Ben Affleck arrested for DUI while driving Red Sox bandwagon. Actor also cited for indecent exposure while masturbating to Johnny Damon highlight reel.

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