Seattle Sportsnet

I’m not even gonna lie. There’s really nothing going on in sports today, and I’m pretty sure half my readers have quit coming to this site because they either fell for my dumbass April Fool’s Day joke or they’re pissed that I’d stoop that low in the first place.

So out of sheer boredom, I’ve gone ahead and created this list of the Top 11 Ways To Release The Kraken, in honor of Liam Neeson’s character in the new Clash of the Titans. Because I imagine there is no better feeling than releasing the kraken all over the place. And the new Clash of the Titans is apparently one of the worst movies of the year, so we might as well just milk this Kraken thing for as long as we can.

11. Posterize a third-grader with a tomahawk jam on an eight-foot hoop.

Wipe the Kraken off your face, kid. You look foolish.

10. Hit a golf ball with an aluminum baseball bat.

If you’ve never done this before, you’re missing out.

9. Punt a football. Off a skyscraper.

When possible, it’s always best to release the Kraken from higher elevations.

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A few weeks ago, I wrote this article on Isaiah Thomas, likening him to one Stacy Patton, a fictional NBA player from the movie Eddie with a bad reputation.

Since that article was published, much has been made of the comparison between Thomas and Patton.

For one, Isaiah, himself, has responded to the name-calling. The article has been the subject of radio discussion, for another. And as a whole, it has created a whirlwind of discussion and controversy on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter.

But to Isaiah’s credit, he has done everything humanly possible to shed the ill-fated nickname from his persona. And in nine games since that article first appeared in print, Isaiah has returned to the good graces of myself, and all other Husky fans alike.

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It’s always fun to meet a celebrity, and when you’re a sports fan, it doesn’t get much better than shaking the hand of a famous athlete.

Over the years, I’ve met my fair share of celebrity athletes, and it’s always interesting, to say the least. Some encounters are more interesting than others, and often they involve some of the less-heralded sports stars out there.

The following is a list of the 11 most randomly memorable encounters I’ve had with popular sports figures. Because they aren’t always pretty, but at least they’re funny.

11. Chris Snelling

Bio:

Former Mariners outfielder, 1999-2006

Encountered at:

Spring Training, Peoria, Arizona, 2003

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We all know the Husky men’s basketball team can’t win games on the road. Simply cannot do it.

They’re fantastic at home (they’ve only lost at Hec Ed once this year), but absolutely dismal away from campus.

It’s a problem that has plagued the ballclub all season long, and in search of answers, we’ve come up with 11 potential solutions to stop the bleeding. Because everyone can use a little help sometimes.

11. Pay hookers in each road city to dress in purple and cheer for the Huskies.

“No, no. You’re not getting it. We want you to stand over there, next to the band member playing the trombone. And for God’s sake, these trombones are pristine, why do you keep referring to them as rusty? This isn’t hard to understand. Dammit.”

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Like a flashback episode in the middle of a grueling TV season, we’re attempting to carry ourselves through a lazy Sunday with this countdown of Seattle Sportsnet’s most popular posts in our 14-month history.

If you’ve never read these 11 articles before, chances are you’ll get a good sampling of our best work.

And if you have read them, take some time to revisit past memories.

Without further ado, on to the list.

11. Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado, the Second Coming of Jesus

(Original print date: Mar. 17, 2009)

Detailing the otherworldly exploits of Mississippi State basketball player Jarvis Varnado, this Chuck Norris-esque personal profile gave Husky fans something to smile about, while bringing out the worst in the MSU faithful.

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Jack Zduriencik is not perfect. He has yet to make the playoffs as a general manager, and some would argue that he’s slightly out of shape.

But if you look at what this portly bald man has accomplished in the past four months, you have to be excited. With nearly every offseason transaction, Jackie Z. has hit a veritable home run. The man is part genius/part guru, and we love it.

In fact, we love it so much that we’ve taken the time to break down the Top 11 reasons why you should get on your knees and really love Dr. Z. I mean, really love him. Use your imagination.

11. He was ballsy enough to non-tender that ornery bastard Erik Bedard

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White people. Gotta love them for trying. They may not be the most athletic race, but they find ways to make it work.

And usually in making it work, they employ an exclusive set of moves that have the rest of us scratching our heads, trying better to understand what the hell is going on.

No, these moves might not be graceful, or even practical. But they work, and that’s what really counts.

Today we bring you 11 of the greatest go-to moves ever employed by the white athlete. Because this much effort shouldn’t go unrecognized.

11. The Submarine Delivery

Sport designed for: Baseball

Patented by: Dan Quisenberry, Chad Bradford, Kent Tekulve, etc.

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Credit Ian Furness with providing the inspiration for this article. The afternoon radio host on 950 KJR wanted to know what the best rivalry in the Northwest was. There are any number of answers to this question, none right, none wrong. But undoubtedly, there are rivalries that are often overlooked. We present those to you in this week’s Top 11.

Because there’s more to life than just Huskies versus Cougars.

11. Ichiro Suzuki vs. The English Language

Like a coy zen master, Ichiro manipulates the English language with the calculated finesse of a rock gardener over his rock garden. Sometimes he speaks it, sometimes he doesn’t. Just depends on the chi of Ichiro at that precise moment.

One thing that remains true is that for eight years now, the Mariners have employed a translator at Ichiro’s behest. The rumor is that the M’s right fielder chooses to utilize his English-speaking mouthpiece so as not to look foolish in the public eye or be misquoted. Okay.

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Once upon a time, the Pontiac Silverdome was the home of the NFL’s Detroit Lions and the NBA’s Detroit Pistons. Built in 1975 in the midst of America’s dome frenzy era, the Silverdome was constructed at a cost of $55,000,000 (or roughly $220,000,000 in today’s economy). This past Monday, the 127 acre plot of land along with its dilapidated arena was sold to a Canadian investment firm for $583,000. Yes, that’s thousands of dollars, not millions.

I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, “How in the hell did I let this opportunity pass me by?” There are literally millions of Americans out there that could have purchased the Silverdome and done whatever they wanted with it. It costs slightly more than the median home price in many cities across the U.S. And frankly, why have a home when you can have a dome?

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The NBA season is underway and you know what that means. Time to determine the ugliest players in the league.

I know what you’re thinking: That’s not very nice of you to pick on the uglies. Well frankly, you’re right. But the way we see it, a lot of these homely fellows do this to themselves. They over-tat their canvas of a body, they fail to get their hair cut adequately, they refuse to shave, things like that. And if that doesn’t sway you, these guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, so there.

We’ve divided this list into three segments. Nos. 11-7 are the All-Ugly Second Team. Nos. 6-2 are the All-Ugly First Team. And of course No. 1 is the All-Ugly MVP.

For the record, we considered calling this the All-Brooke Hundley Team, but we figured some of you might not get the reference. Oh well.

On to the list!

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7. Also the number of mistresses Lance has.

You’re a sports fan who loves Halloween. And let’s face it, how many of us don’t love Halloween?

As a kid, you get to dress up as your favorite superhero for an evening, then go take candy from every house in the neighborhood. Fantastic.

As an adult, you get to drink, party, and watch slutty chicks dress up in skimpy clothing and forgo all their inhibitions simply because they’re in costume. Also fantastic.

So how are you going to make this Halloween the very best Halloween?

Answer: By dressing up in one of these 11 unique sports-related ensembles. Because you can only be a hobo for so long before it gets old.

On to the list.

11. Lance Armstrong’s last sperm

I’ve been pondering this costume idea for a number of years now. It’s a low-cost, low-maintenance outfit that really only requires toilet paper and a quick wit.

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Have you seen this man? Neither have I.

In this era of fantasy athletics, there are always going to be fantasy winners and fantasy losers. You strive to be a winner, but more often than not you lose. And you don’t know why.

Lucky for you, we’ve got your answers.

From sleepers to sure-things, we all make mistakes. The first step towards success is admitting we’ve made mistakes, correcting those mistakes, and moving forward from those mistakes.

Nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. Together, we can overcome just about anything. Even Tarvaris Jackson.

On to the list…

11. Your sleepers are still sleeping

The “experts” told you to take chances on guys like Josh Morgan, Derrick Ward, and Nate Washington. Whoops. Guess they were wrong.

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Every year around this time, millions of Americans kick off fantasy football season. After months of scouting, drafting, adding, and dropping, all the blood, sweat, tears, and hand cramps that go along with preparing for a new year of fake football become absolutely worthwhile.

Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of the moment is a group of real-life football players that are seemingly brought to this earth to torment the fictional locker rooms of our made-up ballclubs. They may be superstars who absolutely murder the opposition, big-name Pro Bowl-types who can’t get it done on paper, or the projected fantasy studs that can’t step their game up.

No matter who they are, we all can agree that they are deserving of our hatred. Which is why we’ve narrowed the group down and present for your enjoyment a list of the Top 11 Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate.

*Editor’s Note: This list only includes active NFL players. So sorry, Shaun Alexander, but you don’t qualify.

11. Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Indianapolis Colts

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The Mariners may not have won their first World Series yet, but they have had some important impacts on the game of baseball.

Perhaps their greatest contribution may be the advent of the intro song, a musical selection played in honor of each individual player’s appearance (most often affiliated with at-bats).

The M’s were one of the first franchises to regularly play music before each hitter’s at-bat. That unique aspect of the game quickly spread to other teams and other positions. These days, even pitchers have their own intro music and it is considered a rarity to take the field without a tune.

The Mariners promotional staff has been behind a number of great musical selections since 1993, when they first began playing intro songs. Using our way-back machine to relive the glory days, we’ve come up with a list of 11 of the best intro songs in team history, complete with music videos. Enjoy.

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Admit it, you’re struggling for ideas.

You need to come up with a killer poster to kick off the college football season, but your brain is still on summer vacation. Lucky for you, that’s where we come in.

Here at Seattle Sportsnet we’ve come up with 11 wonderful ideas for your hobby of sign-making. You’ve got the artistic talent, and we’ve got the homemade slogans tailor-made for the University of Washington’s inaugural opponent in 2009, LSU.

So get out your Sharpie and tagboard and start scribbling those bubble letters. Together, we can make this happen.

11. START YOUR AIRBOAT

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