To a professional sports franchise, the best fans are like great pets. They never stray because they lack intellectual curiosity. They never ask for more than a little love and some food. They’re easily distracted by toys and other nonsense. Very simply, they are dumb, happy, and satisfied.
We do have some of those fans here in Seattle. Many, I’d imagine. But we also have a number of other fans. Different types of fans. Unique fans. Good fans, even. It’s time we examined those fans and looked within ourselves to find out who we truly are.
Below is a list of 11 fan profiles for your viewing pleasure. This isn’t just any list, though. It’s a list pertinent to our very region. These are Seattle sports fan profiles. They’re ours. And they’re amazing.
11. Disciples of Geoff Baker
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One year is gone and another is just beginning. We experienced quite a bit in 2011. From college football scandals galore, to divine quarterbacks, to dual lockouts, to more whimsical things, like every local sports team finding its way to a mediocre finish.
So where do we go from here? Great question. I don’t have ESP, but I like to think I do. Here are my predictions for everything that may or may not happen in the coming year. Just remember, sixty percent of the time, these work every time. Unless they don’t. In which case, at least we had fun pretending.
Without further ado, here are your absolutely ridiculous 2012 Seattle sports predictions. Because predicting the future is super fun.
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For the past two months, one of my friends has been telling me all about the Princess Jasmine costume she’s planning on wearing for Halloween. She’s been hinting about this costume, teasing about this costume, to the point where everyone who knows about this costume is anxiously awaiting its arrival. She also happens to be ridiculously attractive, making the whole getup that much more appealing. At the same time, all this anticipation has kept the idea of All Hallows’ Eve fresh in my mind.
Halloween costumes are never an easy thing. October 31st seems to sneak up on you every year. Without proper preparation, you end up dressed as a hobo, a monster, or Dracula, all of which are ill-advised counterparts to the Princess Jasmines of the world.
That’s why I’m here to help. I’ve come up with 11 costume ideas you might find useful. As a Seattle sports fan, most of these should resonate with you. And if you manage to pull any of these looks off, you’ll be more successful at your Halloween party than any of our teams have been in 2011.
So without further ado, let’s get in the holiday spirit and start the trick or treating…
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Uniforms are a hot topic in sports these days. Thanks to schools like the University of Maryland, it seems that everyone has an opinion on the advent of the athletic jersey.
Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we have our own thoughts on uniforms. Namely, we seek to improve them. Which is why we’re here today with 11 ways in which we plan to do that.
Because it starts with a plan and ends with action. We just happen to be lazier than most of you, so we’ll take care of the plan as long as you act on it. Are we good? Okay, cool.
Let’s do this.
11. Wear more pink
Unless we’re fighting breast cancer or honoring one of the Care Bears, it seems like pink is completely jettisoned from all uniform designs. My question: Why?
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Because this was the steroid era of American sitcoms.
11. Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell
Zack Morris wasn’t the greatest athlete in the world, but he had his moments. As a freshman, he placed third at a cross country meet, then later starred on the track team in the mile, earning himself the nickname “Running Zack” in the process. In later years, Morris would injure himself as a member of the school’s basketball team, propose the construction of a domed stadium for his teammates on the baseball squad, lead a group of misfits to victory in a week-long set of physical challenges sponsored by the U.S. Army, prove to be a talented beach volleyball player, and even organize a charity wheelchair basketball game for a paraplegic girl he wanted to sleep with.
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It already happened for Isaiah Thomas thanks to this game-winning bucket. But shouldn’t we all be lucky enough to land on the receiving end of a Gus Johnson play-by-play?
He’s arguably the greatest announcer on the planet and his passion is unrivaled. So why not let him be a part of some of your most passion-filled life moments?
Here’s to wishful thinking…
11. Your wedding day.
“They’ve got the rings…they’ve said their vows…it comes down to this…annnnd…I do! I do! HOLY MATRIMONY!!!!”
10. That time you ate the best sandwich ever.
“It’s got pickles, onions, lettuce, mustard, mayo, six different kinds of meat, there might even be an endangered species in there! He’s got the bread between his fingertips, he’s leaning in for the bite…TASTE EXPLOSION!!!!”
9. The last day of school.
“Time is running down…just a few seconds left on the clock now and this teacher is gonna need a miracle. She’s up there at the white board controlling the tempo, but I’m starting to hear a few zippers now, some murmurs in the crowd…and THE BELL HAS RUNG! GAME OVER!!!!”
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Ah, Twitter. If this little social networking website has done anything over the past couple years, it’s proven to us that high-profile athletes are almost real people, too.
Back in the day, our favorite athletes were enigmatic badasses that patrolled the playing surface and never said much more than a few words to the press. Now, though, those same athletes are staking their reputations on a keyboard and 140-character quips of intelligence (or, in many cases, a lack thereof).
No one ever said the internet was easy. In fact, some of us even fail at it. Athletes are no exception.
That’s why we present to you a list of the Top 11 Ways That Athletes Fail Twitter. Because success is so overrated.
11. They misspell almost everything.
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In 2010, the Mariners asked you to Believe Big. You did as told. And you were betrayed.
So what do they have in store for you in 2011? Hopefully something more honest, something more straightforward. That’s where we come in.
Whether or not the team chooses to employ any of these suggestions for 2011 is irrelevant. All 11 of these catch-phrases are not only unique, they’re apt. That’s right. Apt. Meaning spot-on, truthful, correctly utilized.
Without further ado, we present to you the Top 11 2011 Seattle Mariners Team Slogans. Because we aren’t all blessed with a job in marketing.
11. Chicks Dig The Ground Ball
Which totally explains why most members of our team are still getting laid.
Pitching, hitting, doesn’t matter. We are a ground ball MACHINE!
10. Twenty-percent of the time, we win every time.
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Everyone likes do-overs.
The fact is, we don’t always get it right the first time. No one’s perfect. Hence, we dream about nailing our attempts on take two.
That’s why this list has been put together for your enjoyment. It’s an in-depth look at how I would do things differently if I could go back to my youth and give it another shot. With all the knowledge I have today at my disposal, of course.
So without further ado, let’s get on with the show. Because it’s only a matter of time before DeLoreans can fly and wormholes set the world on fire.
*Editor’s note: When visualizing me carrying out these scenarios, please picture a roly-poly young buck who looks a lot like the kid from the movie Up, as displayed to your right. Thank you.”
If I could go back in time, I would…
11. …have a chat with parents who felt it was their duty to bring healthy snacks to Little League games.
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Brad Adam, aka "Bradam"
Because we don’t watch enough of the news anymore. And these 11 folks need our attention. They demand it. They crave it. It’s why they’re on TV.
11. Andrea Nakano, KING 5 News
Andrea is the newest kid on the block when it comes to the local TV sportscaster scene. She’s been tasked with filling the shoes of the now-departed Lisa Gangel (Kerney), which is akin to handing David Pauley a baseball and asking him to take over for Cliff Lee.
To say that Andrea has a lot of pressure on her shoulders would be an understatement at this point. However, she seems to be fitting into the role nicely so far and has yet to run off and marry one of our local professional athletes. Good for her.
10. Jen Mueller, Fox Sports Northwest
Jen Mueller spent nearly two years living in the shadow of Nicole Zaloumis’s cleavage. As soon as Nicole and her funbags left town, it was time for Jen to shine.
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There’s a lot of venom here. Read at your own risk. On with the list…
11. Chone Figgins’ Unwillingness To Swing The Bat
If you’ve ever seen the epic film that is Black Sheep, you may recall a scene in the movie where David Spade’s character and Chris Farley’s character are playing checkers in a cabin in the backwoods of our great state of Washington. After defeating Farley’s character for the umpteenth time, Spade exclaims, “This is great! I never win at checkers.” An irate Farley then retorts, “Well it’s kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!”
Farley’s reaction more or less mirrors my angst over Chone Figgins’ complete disregard for swinging the bat. The guy seems like he’d rather do anything besides hit a baseball. God forbid he take a hack up there. He might actually put the ball in play. And then what? Chaos would undoubtedly ensue.
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One lucky fan showing off his Ichiro-designed underwear.
The Mariners marketing staff is pretty good, but they always leave out a few giveaways that we could all enjoy. Here are 11 new promotions that would put butts in Safeco Field’s empty seats.
11. Rob Johnson Three-Quarter Mitt Night
Remember those cheap-o imitation leather mitts the M’s used to giveaway when you were a kid? This is kind of like that, except you only get three-quarters of a glove. Everything but the webbing. Just like the catcher’s mitt that Rob uses.
10. Ichiro-Designed Underwear Night
The Ichiro-Designed T-Shirt Night was a huge success, so it’s about time the M’s moved onto different types of apparel, such as underwear. Enjoy your mesh, leopard-print banana sling, Mariners fans.
9. Willie Bloomquist Senior T-Shirt Day
What better way to honor senior citizens than by handing out Willie Bloomquist t-shirts? Like Frederick & Nelson, soda fountains, and record players, Bloomquist is just another one of those things that old folks can’t understand is gone.
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For the past couple years, Seattle-based Pemco Insurance has run an ad campaign featuring the “Northwest Profiles” of stereotypical localites. The catchy commercials have depicted a handful of different personalities that populate this corner of the nation (Sandals and Socks Guys, 50 Degrees Shirt’s Off Guy, Green Lake Power Walker, to name three), but haven’t done much to justify your average Seattle sports fan. Which is where we come in.
Playing off of Pemco’s idea, we’ve come up with 11 new Northwest Profiles which all relate to sports, and more specifically, local sports fans. If you read between the lines, you might find yourself among this group of quirky athletic spectators.
Northwest Profile #11: Spiky-Haired Female Seattle Storm Fan
A denizen of what we will non-judgmentally refer to as alternative life choices, you are the WNBA’s biggest fanatic and your favorite team happens to be the Emerald City’s own Seattle Storm, nay Bing, nay Storm.
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The University of Washington lost its president on Tuesday when Mark Emmert opted to take on the same role with the NCAA. Somehow, I can’t blame him.
Despite a limited background in college sports, Emmert was a visible figure in the athletic departments at each of his last two schools, Washington and Louisiana State. As chancellor at LSU, Emmert was largely credited with helping build the foundation that brought the school two BCS National Football Championships. At Washington, he replaced embattled athletic director Todd Turner with current AD Scott Woodward, and also played a significant role in the hiring of football coach Steve Sarkisian.
With Emmert moving on to Indianapolis to hold court over the world of collegiate athletics, the UW will undoubtedly begin a search for the next president at Washington. While we will likely not be solicited for advice during the hiring process, we’d humbly like to suggest 11 viable candidates who could capably step into the role of Top Dawg and fill Emmert’s shoes.
11. Beverly Cleary
She’s the author of those Ramona chapter books you read as a kid.
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I’m not even gonna lie. There’s really nothing going on in sports today, and I’m pretty sure half my readers have quit coming to this site because they either fell for my dumbass April Fool’s Day joke or they’re pissed that I’d stoop that low in the first place.
So out of sheer boredom, I’ve gone ahead and created this list of the Top 11 Ways To Release The Kraken, in honor of Liam Neeson’s character in the new Clash of the Titans. Because I imagine there is no better feeling than releasing the kraken all over the place. And the new Clash of the Titans is apparently one of the worst movies of the year, so we might as well just milk this Kraken thing for as long as we can.
11. Posterize a third-grader with a tomahawk jam on an eight-foot hoop.
Wipe the Kraken off your face, kid. You look foolish.
10. Hit a golf ball with an aluminum baseball bat.
If you’ve never done this before, you’re missing out.
9. Punt a football. Off a skyscraper.
When possible, it’s always best to release the Kraken from higher elevations.
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To a professional sports franchise, the best fans are like great pets. They never stray because they lack intellectual curiosity. They never ask for more than a little love and some food. They’re easily distracted by toys and other nonsense. Very simply, they are dumb, happy, and satisfied.
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