The Changing Narrative of A Loathed, Loved, and Enabled Steve Sarkisian

sarkA disease. A medical condition. A weakness. A flaw. An addiction.

Alcoholism is labeled in a number of different ways, which might be why it’s so hard for us to determine how we feel about it. It makes us sad, confused, angry, frustrated, hurt. Sometimes, amidst the laughter and jubilation of the atmosphere in which it is cultivated, we don’t even know we’re staring an alcohol problem straight in the eye. So as it cooks and bubbles and rises to the surface like hot magma inside a rumbling volcano, we pretend it’s not even there, that it’s not a thing.

We joke about it, we chuckle at every one of our friends we deem a borderline alcoholic, and we keep the party going until that climactic moment when we simply cannot rage any longer. And then, suddenly, it’s not fun anymore.

This is where we find Steve Sarkisian.

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Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Cincinnati Bengals

17Happy Blue Friday, 12s, and welcome once again to another installment of Know Your [Bad Word] Opponent. This week we bring to you the least exciting undefeated team in football, the Cincinnati Bengals. Enjoy.

If you’re a child of the ’90s, as I am, you may remember going to pizza parlors throughout your youth and depositing quarters into machines that dispensed fun, enjoyable crap.  You put a quarter in, you spun a handle, and crap came out. Think of all the things you would never need, the things you couldn’t pawn off at your mother’s garage sale for a nickel. These were the very things kids like you and I were getting out of the veritable money pits polluting the entryways of Godfather’s, Shakey’s, Azteca, Red Robin, and more. Sticky hands, super balls, flimsy keychains made in China — a plethora of junk that could entertain a group of 10-year-olds for two or three hours, at most.

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Karate Emergency Episode 2.5: Don’t Be A Meerkat


Kelly’s love life has roped in a number of casual onlookers, including one of Seattle’s intrepid sports reporters. In true NFL pregame style, we break down the chances of finding love for each of these inquiring individuals.

On top of that, we enjoy a spirited discussion on the future of Tom Cable and the Seahawks, plus delve into a full post-mortem on your 2015 Seattle Mariners.

To listen on iTunes and download every episode of the podcast for free, check us out here.

The 2015 Ex-Seattle Mariners (or, Former Mariners in the Playoffs)

choomarinersThe 2015 MLB playoffs are underway, and for the fourteenth straight season, your Seattle Mariners are not invited to the party.

Lest you fret over not being able to watch your beloved M’s take part in the postseason, we’re here to bring you the list of all 24 former Mariners who find themselves on the active rosters of playoff-bound teams. Yep, you read that correctly. A total of 24 ex-Mariners have made their way to greener pastures since leaving Seattle, one shy of the number needed to fill a 25-man roster.

With 10 teams having qualified for postseason play (including Wildcard participants), that averages out to 2.4 ex-Mariners per roster. And in fact only one squad fails to employ a former Mariner: the St. Louis Cardinals, who have become renowned for cultivating their own homegrown talent.

Here’s the list of all 24 playoff-bound ex-Mariners, broken down by team:

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Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Detroit Lions


The bluest of Fridays to all 12 of you reading this! We’ve reached Week Four of the NFL season, and this week’s Seahawks opponent you need to know about is… the Detroit Lions.

Golden Tate is back! The guy who is absolutely, unequivocally, 100-percent responsible for Russell and Ashton Wilson’s divorce is returning to Seattle this weekend to wreck some homes, jack a few doughnuts, and maybe make a catch or two.

What? Don’t pretend like you weren’t consumed by the Golden-Ashton rumors. They may be silly. They may be unsubstantiated. They may not even be true. But don’t deny it: you were sucked into the juiciness like a 40-year-old single woman on Bachelor night.

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Karate Emergency Episode 2.4: Taking Down the SeaPimp


Slickhawk kicks off Episode 4 by verbally suplexing another one of Seattle’s most loathed creatures. It’s a Karate Emergency tradition.

We then dispose of your Facebook hoaxes in a raging dumpster fire, analyze all the Golden Tate rumors, theorize about Momma Lynch’s grammatical acumen, weigh in on the Mariners front office, piss on the ashes of Oregon football, and tie it all together with a deep and meaningful conversation on dating one’s ex.

Check it all out in the fourth installment of Karate Emergency: The New Class, and be sure to find us on iTunes!

Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Chicago Bears


Hello 12th People, and welcome to another Blue Friday. Today marks the third installment of our weekly preview on the Seahawks’ 2015 opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Chicago Bears.

The Chicago Bears. My god, are they bad. This might very well be the worst team in the NFL, which may come as a shock to some of you since it wasn’t that long ago the Bears were actually decent. But man oh man, have they found ways to make themselves shitty the past couple seasons.

Let’s start from the top.

Following the 2012 campaign, the Bears fired head coach Lovie Smith, who didn’t totally suck. Rather than hire a better version of Smith to lead them, Chicago panicked and snagged Marc Trestman from the CFL. That’s right, Canada. They hired a quarterbacks guru from football’s minor leagues and expected it to work out. Naturally, it did not.

Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Chicago Bears

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