What’s Up With The Mariners’ Weird Hand Gestures?

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If you’ve watched enough Mariners baseball this year, you’ve likely seen it. It starts with a base hit, then segues into a ritualistic celebration of sorts. An M’s hitter will stand perched atop the bag after a single, double, or triple, look towards the dugout, raise each semi-closed fist above his noggin, then move those fists side to side as his teammates sheltered along the baseline respond. But what does it all mean?

The move itself is one I like to call the “Double-Sack Dance.” It has origins in pornography (where all good things find their beginning), but has been popularized in mainstream movies, as well – most notably a scene in Superbad, among other works of fine film:

DoubleHJ

As you can see above, Jonah Hill might very well be to blame for bringing a variation of the Double-Sack Dance to the public spectrum.

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The Top 22 Mariners Promotional Ideas Gone Wrong

centerfield

It’s like two Top 11 lists in one!

22. Danny Farquhar Disappointing Growth Chart Day

Guess what, kids. You’re probably not going to grow to be 6’10” like Chris Young, or even 6’3” like Felix Hernandez. More than likely you’ll stand about 5’9” or so, which is both the average height of the American male and the exact listed height of reliever Danny Farquhar. We’re not here to lie to you or falsely inflate your hopes. Instead, we’ll just give you this disappointing Farquhar growth chart and watch you blossom into a really mediocre adult.

21. Cole Gillespie “Guess Which of These Guys Is Actually A Mariner” Night

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Top 11: Most Awesome Unclaimed ’80s Walk-Up Songs

Brit-Hit2Credit Oakland Athletics outfielder Josh Reddick with making ’80s music relevant among today’s major leaguer hitters and their walk-up song choices. It’s Reddick who has recently been raising eyebrows and inspiring headlines with his selection of George Michael’s Careless Whisper as his at-bat anthem. Though Reddick will surely receive the accolades that come along with making a leap towards owning a libido-arousing romantic soft rock ballad, I like to believe that my earlier Mariners-centric request penetrated Reddick’s consciousness and moved him to take action.

Reddick certainly isn’t the first pro ballplayer to capture the hearts of audiences with a decades-old medley to call his own, but the curious nature of a sentimental tune that so blatantly diverges from the mean of driving, bass-heavy tracks is hard to ignore. Nick Punto, a teammate of Reddick’s, has used The Outfield’s 1985 hit Your Love as his song of choice this season. In years past, journeyman outfielder Michael Morse has delighted fans by employing A-ha’s Take On Me and Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams, and even before that Ichiro Suzuki once upon a time took to the batter’s box to Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

But it’s clear that the more outrageous one gets with their music selection, the more likely he is to garner some extra attention. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the 11 best ’80s songs still not utilized by major league hitters. What follows is one’s ticket to the hearts (and possibly loins) of millions of adoring onlookers. Dare to be different. Dare to be awesome. Dare to choose one of these songs as your walk-up music.

11. St. Elmo’s Fire (Man In Motion)

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The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Weeks 5-7 – Goodbye, Ineptitude

201405181540564464123For the Week 4 recap, click here.

Week 5

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 4-1

Overall Win-Loss Record: 14-15

Winning Percentage: .483

Division Standing: Fourth place

Week’s Opponents: New York Yankees (2 games) – Road; Houston Astros (3 games) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Buoyant

***

Week 6

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 5-3

Overall Win-Loss Record: 19-18

Winning Percentage: .514

Division Standing: Third place

Week’s Opponents: Oakland Athletics (4 games) – Road; Kansas City Royals (4 games) – Home

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Fabulous

***

Week 7

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 2-4

Overall Win-Loss Record: 21-22

Winning Percentage: .488

Division Standing: Third place, 6.5 games back

Week’s Opponents: Tampa Bay Rays (3 games) – Home; Minnesota Twins (3 games) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Bipolar

Since the last time I penned a recap column, the Mariners have somehow cobbled together a record of 11-8, meaning they don’t suck nearly as much as they did before. At a single game under .500, the ballclub has been very nearly the definition of average despite serious mood swings in achieving their current level of mediocrity.

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America’s Favorite Game Returns: A Mariners-Themed Edition of You Can Only Have One!

kate-upton-bed-640x423Welcome to You Can Only Have One! It’s America’s favorite game and soon to be your favorite, too!

For those who are new to You Can Only Have One! here’s how the game works. You will be presented with two different scenarios. You will have to decide which scenario you prefer, then act upon that very scenario. There are only two rules to follow in the process. Those rules are:

Rule 1.0 a. You cannot have neither.

Rule 36.5 b. You cannot have both.

Pretty simple, right? For a background on the origin of the game and its ancient Sri Lankan roots made popular in the good ol’ U-S-of-A by a Seattle-based radio talk show host, feel free to read more here.

For everyone else, allow me to introduce today’s theme. Today’s theme is … the Seattle Mariners. That’s right, folks. Every YCOHO scenario we present to you today will pertain to your Seattle Mariners. So whaddaya say? Ready to have some fun? Alright!

Now let’s play … You Can Only Have One!

***

YCOHO 1: Willie Bloomquist in your starting lineup every day OR a really bad sexual experience with Kate Upton that results in both of you crying tears of sadness and subsequently destroys any chance you have of ever getting with her again.

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Donald Sterling, Michael Sam, and the Evolution of Society

michael_samI was nine years old the first time I ever realized how truly moronic people could be. The epiphany struck at recess on a sunny spring morning when one of my classmates approached and proceeded to make fun of me for being Asian.

I’d known this girl for a few years and was well aware that she was a devastating combination of annoying, unattractive, and dumb. I didn’t quite have a singular term for what I wanted to call her back then, but in retrospect the word “bitch” would have probably sufficed. So as I stood there watching this bitch use her hands to pull back her eyes and elicit “ching-chang-chong” sounds, I contemplated the utter stupidity of this occurrence to which I was paying witness.

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The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 4 – Kyle Seager Goes to Pound Town

seagerwalkoffFor last week’s recap, click here.

Week 4

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 3-3

Overall Win-Loss Record: 10-14

Winning Percentage: .417

Division Standing: Fourth place, 5.0 games back

Week’s Opponents: Houston Astros (3 games) – Home; Texas Rangers (3 games) – Home

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Bipolar

Pound Town. A quirky little hamlet with a mercurial population, Pound Town is a place people often go to have a great time. To many, Pound Town is simply the world’s greatest vacation spot for coitus. “Take your lady to Pound Town!” they’ll say. And they’re right, Pound Town does reside at the intersection of foreplay and intercourse.

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A Dating Playbook for the Newly-Single Russell Wilson

Russell-Wilson-GQ-2The Seahawks released a peculiar statement on Wednesday announcing the impending divorce of quarterback Russell Wilson from his wife, Ashton. Who knows for sure why the organization deemed this press release-worthy, but they did and now everyone seemingly has an opinion on the biggest news of the Seahawks’ offseason.

It’s anyone’s guess as to why the Wilsons are legally separating, but certainly none of our business to speculate. Regardless of the how or the why, though, you have to respect the decision of two young adults who married fresh out of college and have made the difficult decision to move forward with their lives individually.

All things considered, we now progress into a world where Russell Wilson has become Seattle’s most eligible bachelor. This is both good and bad for the Super Bowl hero, as enterprising young women across the Puget Sound will immediately begin vying for Wilson’s attention (good), but may be doing so without the best intentions in mind (bad).

At the same time, if you’re the signal-caller of a championship football team, how do you prepare yourself to begin dating again? As someone who has always preached that “the separation is in the preparation” – admittedly, not the best quote to pull in this time of imminent estrangement – the 25-year-old may need some help. Hence, we’ve created this handy dating playbook full of questions and answers.

Question 1: Is she only into me for my money?

Most of us don’t have to worry about this because we’re poorer than shit. But for Wilson, who stands to make millions upon millions of dollars in the coming years, this is a real problem.

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We Suck Again

2023429534Maybe it was erstwhile Mariners first-round pick Josh Fields, embattled former general manager Bill Bavasi’s last and most egregious high-profile draft selection, securing the nail in the M’s coffin by striking out the side in the ninth inning.

Maybe it was Dustin Ackley crashing into the left field wall while unsuccessfully pursuing a fly ball.

Maybe it was Stefen Romero crashing into the right field wall while unsuccessfully pursuing a fly ball, then later paying witness to an overzealous fan robbing him of an out – though in fairness, the fan displayed better hands than Romero.

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The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 3

2023401660For last week’s recap, click here.

Week 3

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 1-6

Overall Win-Loss Record: 7-11

Winning Percentage: .389

Division Standing: Third place

Week’s Opponents: Texas Rangers (4 games) – Road; Miami Marlins (3 games) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: HOLY F@#K

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What The Hell Was That? Dissecting a Mariners Meltdown

Dumpster-FireLloyd McClendon emerged from the depths of Globe Life Park’s third base dugout and strode purposefully across the playing field. As they so often do when McClendon visits his pitcher, the entire Seattle infield converged upon the mound and their suddenly-embattled closer, Fernando Rodney.

Having recorded a pair of quick outs to the first two batters he faced in the bottom of the ninth, Rodney appeared on the verge of his fourth save of the season. But then the 37-year-old right-hander relinquished a single up the middle to Texas third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff. Minutes later, Rodney issued a walk to designated hitter Mitch Moreland. The tying run moved into scoring position. The winning run stood perched on first base. McClendon got up.

In all likelihood, the team’s first-year manager probably reminded his players that they needed just one more out to secure a victory, that they had a force available at any base, and that this was their game to win. But based on the events that immediately followed the brief get-together, McClendon may very well have said something along the lines of, “Guys, let’s do everything we can to fuck this up as spectacularly as possible.”

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The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 2

eliasFor last week’s recap, click here.

Week 2

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 3-3

Overall Win-Loss Record: 7-5

Winning Percentage: .583

Division Standing: Second place

Week’s Opponents: Los Angeles Angels (2 games) – Home; Oakland Athletics (3 games) – Home; Texas Rangers (1 game of a 3-game series) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Alright, alright, alright

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Hector Noesi’s Eulogy

HectorNoesiHector Noesi is only 27 years of age, so in fairness his career might not be dead yet. But as a right-handed pitcher who reluctantly boasts a 5.64 career ERA, a trade to Texas and the Rangers’ hitter-friendly ballpark seems as close to capital punishment as Major League Baseball will allow. So in anticipation of Noesi’s impending demise, I offer up this preemptive eulogy to mark the brief life and times of Hector Noesi, professional baseball player.

Oh, Hector. Sweet, incompetent Hector. Your time with us was short, yet the impact will last a lifetime. You may be gone now, but you will never be forgotten. As a member of Seattle’s unofficial Ayala-Figgins Hall of Infamy, your legacy will live on for eternity. But before we bid adieu, let’s remember those special moments we shared together.

Acquired from the Yankees following the 2011 season, you came to Seattle touting a 95-mile-per-hour heater that convinced so many of us that you might just be something special. You were only 25 years old at the time, young and virile, with enough promise and potential to titillate more than a few onlookers who wanted so badly to believe in you.

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The Unofficially Official 2014 Sports Radio KJR Dance Preview

13_kate-upton_27Once again, we’ve reached that point in the year when sports take a back seat to women, as they so often tend to do. In this instance, however, you have the opportunity to win a trip to any sporting event in the world by accurately selecting the hottest women on the planet.

Because the stakes are so high, we’ve decided to help you out on your way to the rugby World Cup in Australia, the Jai Alai championship in Malaysia, or the Beer Olympics in Europe. At the same time, you’re more than welcome to play along with Seattle Sportsnet and a number of our closest friends by filling out a bracket at SportsRadioKJR.com, then navigating here, clicking “Join,” and entering the password, “sonics.”

Below you’ll find projections for all 64 matchups in this year’s tournament. We’ve done all the dirty work for you because we care. And also because we got to scour Google Images for pictures of these women. But mostly because we care.

FIRST ROUND

Region 1: Your Fortune Awaits

Katy Perry vs. Rihanna

For the second year in a row, Perry and Rihanna are matched up against one another in the tournament’s opening round. A season ago, it was Perry who triumphed over her Barbadian foe and there’s no reason to believe the outcome will be any different in 2014. Take a bow, Rihanna, it’s over. Winner: Perry.

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The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 1

canoYou don’t want to read about the Mariners every single day. It’s not good for your health. For the same reasons, no one really wants to write about the Mariners every single day, either. Frankly, if someone were to chronicle their thoughts on the M’s on a repeating 24-hour basis, the log of emotions would read like a crazy person’s diary. For evidence of this, go scour my Twitter account at any point in time.

To combat the daily bipolarity of the baseball team you and I choose to both love and hate, we here at Seattle Sportsnet have decided to bring you a comprehensive week-to-week recap of the 2014 Mariners experience, which in itself is sure to be a roller coaster ride of emotional proportions. While we’ll fill the remaining days of each week with more pointed discussion of the M’s – trade suggestions, Hector Noesi minor league updates, Top 11 lists, half-brained promotional ideas, et cetera – you can count on this weekly look at the team to quench your thirst for all things Seattle baseball.

Without further introduction, let’s get to the update.

Week 1

Win-Loss Record: 4-2

Winning Percentage: .667

Division Standing: First place

Week’s Opponents: Los Angeles Angels (3 games) – Road; Oakland Athletics (3 games) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Decent

What the hell is going on? That’s a question many of us were asking ourselves on Wednesday evening, shortly after the Mariners completed a season-opening three-game sweep of the Angels. The Angels were supposed to be okay. The M’s were supposed to be less than okay. All things considered, a trio of wins for the boys in blue was wholly unanticipated.

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