Mariners Rants Unleashed

SEATTLE, WA - JUNE 02:  Manager Lloyd McClendon #21 of the Seattle Mariners throws his hat after being ejected by first base umpire Will Little #93 (rear right) in the third inning against the New York Yankees at Safeco Field on June 2, 2015 in Seattle, Washington.  (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)
SEATTLE, WA – JUNE 02: Manager Lloyd McClendon #21 of the Seattle Mariners throws his hat after being ejected by first base umpire Will Little #93 (rear right) in the third inning against the New York Yankees at Safeco Field on June 2, 2015 in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)

The following guest article is written by Mariners Rants, who you can follow on Twitter @MarinersRants if so inclined. Be aware that the uncensored commentary below is not safe for work and certainly not for the faint of heart. The views and opinions expressed by Mariners Rants do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Seattle Sportsnet staff.

What in the holy fuck are you motherfuckers doing out there? I mean, seriously. What in the complete and utter shit is this mess?

Here we are 54 fucking games into this godforsaken season and you assholes have somehow only managed to scratch together 24 fucking wins. Your own goddamn manager told us to be patient until the 50-game mark. Wait for 50 games, he advised, before you judge this ball club. THAT WAS FOUR GAMES AGO! And you guys are shit! It’s not hard to see. You. Are. Shit. You haven’t won shit, you can’t hit shit, your relievers pitch like shit, and everyone watching you play feels like shit because of the backasswards bullshit you’ve put us through. It’s a fucking monsoon of pure, unadulterated shit!

Where does anyone even begin when attempting to sift through all the flaws this team has displayed in the season’s first two months?

Continue reading Mariners Rants Unleashed

The PTBNL Podcast – Episode 2: Now 50-Percent More Engaging!

Somehow, we’ve made it to multiple episodes of The PTBNL Podcast, which means this thing might be here to stay.

On this week’s edition of the show, we welcome Sportspress Northwest’s Adam Lewis into the studio, as we discuss many things of non-importance and other things that are slightly more important.

Hot takes include Mariners talk, Russell Wilson on-field and off-field action, the stupidity of crowd funding pro athletes, a discussion around the SODO arena, and a new segment we like to call “Rex Looks for Love.”

Find it all by clicking play up above.

And once you’ve listened, please be sure to coax someone into donating to our Free Tom Brady GoFundMe campaign.

The PTBNL Podcast – Episode 1

With great pride, I present to you the debut episode of The PTBNL Podcast. Never mind the fact that The Podcast To Be Named Later Podcast is somewhat redundant, a la “PIN number,” or that we may or may not keep the lack of a name we’ve employed for the time being.

All you need to know is that Rex Carlin and I have taken our oral talents and turned them into aural pleasure for anyone who dares to click play on that which you see above. If nothing else, it should be a madcap adventure.

Our inaugural foray into this world of hot takes includes discussion around your 2015 Seattle Mariners, the Seahawks’ Bruce Irvin, a commentary on Bill Simmons and media, and features the first of our weekly guests, Minnesota Timberwolves’ guard and reigning NBA Slam Dunk champion Zach LaVine.

Check it out if you dare, and thanks for listening.

51493f79-0cf9-4d3f-9eec-4f47d07920e6

Everybody, Chill: The Mariners Are Just Fine

mariners-fan-catches-foul-ball-in-beer-then-chugsYou people are insatiable.

Three games into a 162-game season and you’re flipping out like Drake just walked in the room wearing your favorite team’s jersey. It’s goddamn ridiculous. Get ahold of yourselves.

There are precisely four possible outcomes for a team’s win-loss record after three games – 0-3, 1-2, 2-1, and 3-0. And because the Seattle Mariners haven’t achieved the very best outcome, we’re out here losing our shit on a Wednesday night because THE SEASON IS RUINED.

First of all, cool your tits. Continue reading Everybody, Chill: The Mariners Are Just Fine

Athletic Supporters Send Jerry Brewer to Bullets

shvxAs the owner, general manager, and sometimes point guard of a rec team of increasingly unathletic amateur basketball players, I’m here today to formally announce the sad news of the departure of a fellow Athletic Supporter teammate of mine.

Jerry Brewer, who supplemented his time as a power shooting center by moonlighting as a columnist for The Seattle Times, has been dealt to the Washington (D.C.) Bullets, ending his tenure with the Supporters. The move will subsequently necessitate a career change for Brewer, who will be leaving the Times for a similar position at The Washington Post.

In his time with the Supporters, Brewer emerged as a favorite of the team’s five or six fans. Recognized for his matching green warmup suits, as well as his inability to corral wayward behind-the-back passes from guard Ryan Divish, Brewer etched himself into rec league lore by successfully bringing back the spectacle sport strap, not seen since Kurt Rambis last played in the NBA.

Brewer may best be remembered in Seattle for his time spent off the court, however.

Occasionally penning stories that geriatrics loved to forward via “the internet mail” to their grandkids, Brew established himself as one of the most respected voices of the sports fan in the Pacific Northwest.

When he wasn’t waxing poetic about athletics for the Times, Brewer seized the opportunity to start a family, seducing a woman, marrying her, spawning a son, and even adopting a kitten. He also made time for his buddies, often showing up to local watering holes in crisp sport coats while everyone else donned tattered t-shirts and worn jeans.

For this scribe, at least, Brewer will be remembered as a friend and confidant who helped foster an ability to piece words together in a captivating way. While anyone can write, Brew would devote entire afternoons to sitting at a bar, discussing life, and inspiring the ideas that materialized into print for a twenty-something lazy-ass. That he once triumphantly captained a mission to get that same lazy-ass to 1,000 followers on Twitter will never be forgotten, either.

As our pal departs for the other Washington, we remember karaoke renditions of Gin and Juice, a knack for incorrectly spelling words that describe acts of human nature, and that one time a whiny kid on an opposing team threw a basketball at Brewer for reasons unknown.

Jerry, no matter what all the internet haters say, we don’t think you’re weird at all. In fact, we’ll miss you. And we wish you well as you depart your adoptive home for a new adventure.

In exchange for Brewer, the Bullets will send 48-year-old forward/center Pervis Ellison, who averaged 20 points and 11 rebounds in the 1991-1992 season, to Seattle.

405369_10150436916242397_1383062197_n

An Open Vent: Taking Down Statheads and Pitbull’s Latest Single

pitbullneyoWelcome back to An Open Vent, SSN’s recurring segment bashing anything and everything that is truly vent-worthy.

Today we examine a new song you may have heard, as well as a group of people you might just despise. No time for dilly-dallying. Let’s get right to it.

1. Pitbull’s latest single.

If you’ve turned on your radio in the past few weeks, chances are you’ve heard Time of Our Lives, the latest single from esteemed Cuban-American recording artist, Pitbull. Featuring a cameo performance by R&B singer Ne-Yo, who can’t seem to separate himself from underwhelming rappers, the catchy tune could very well be one of Pitbull’s finest pieces of work.

Like much of Pitbull’s recorded anthology, however, the lyrics to this song are completely and utterly ridiculous. Whoever pens the bastardized poetry that comprises this three-minute-forty-nine-second track deserves to scribe verses in a remedial high school English class until he or she is brought to tears by the taunts and jeers of ruthless teenagers who could easily seize this person’s job and perform just as aptly.

Continue reading An Open Vent: Taking Down Statheads and Pitbull’s Latest Single

The fan's premier online source for all things Seattle sports.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 113 other followers