Special thanks to The Seattle Times for posting video of our special friends, Bob Condotta and Jayson Jenks, Seahawks beat writers. We’ll periodically review their video breakdowns and provide analysis here. We call it “Breakdown Breakdown.” Enjoy.
0:00 – Bob and Jenks come to you live from a wetland.
0:07 – Jenks doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He’s also holding the mic weird. It’s not a salad fork. You can grab that thing like you mean it.
0:12 – Bob enters the conversation at 12 seconds. He’s the most 12.
Also, he dressed up for this and I’m not sure you people appreciate that enough. He’s sans hoodie, for one thing. What if it rains? Bob is willing to go hoodless and put his hair at risk for the good of this video. He’s usually clothed in weather-adaptable attire, but not today. Today he’s adorned in a charcoal sweater straight from Mossimo’s 1999 boy band music video collection. I own a similar sweater and, when paired with a spritz of PoloSport, it can be quite the aphrodisiac for thirty-somethings.
Continue reading Breakdown Breakdown: Dissecting Video of Bob & Jenks
I can hardly believe it, but a year has already passed since you left us. I’m fairly convinced that, as we grow up, time does in fact move faster than it used to. I must be getting old.
There’s a fair amount of stuff that has happened since you’ve been gone. I figured you might want to hear about some of it, just in case you’ve been partying and getting crunk (that means “having tons of fun”) up there. I imagine every day is filled with scratch-offs that only reveal winners and puzzles with no missing pieces and I don’t blame you for indulging in the finer things.
Anyway, let me give you the bad news first.
Continue reading A Letter to a Friend
Hello fans, and welcome back to the 12th day of the week, Blue Friday. We have for you today the second installment of previews on your 2015 Seahawks opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Green Bay Packers.
Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league. There. It’s been said. Everyone get over it. He’s got a rocket arm, the numbers back up his extreme proficiency, and he does it all with regulation footballs, unlike some of his peers. So he’s great, he’s amazing, we all agree.
But is there a more staid human being on the face of the earth than Rodgers? The man is without emotion. He is two droopy eyes, a smile that exudes no real passion, and a voice so monotone that T-Pain couldn’t even vocode it to head-nodding respectability. He is the vanilla in your ice cream, the taupe on your walls, the cardboard on your boxes.
And without a doubt, Rodgers will segue his stellar playing career into a cushy seat in the press box, next to the likes of Kenny Albert or some other schmuck doing play-by-play, then proceed to torment every fan in the NFL by ejaculating overly-agreeable clichés picked up from years of being molded into a social android unto the masses after each and every play. Get ready for that apocalyptic future of football-watching, because it’s coming and you cannot escape it.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Green Bay Packers
Two episodes in and we already have conflict. The Seahawks are in complete disarray, Slickhawk is in need of an intervention after one awful weekend, and Kelly may or may not have cheated at H-O-R-S-E on a date.
But there is good news!
We have an intro and an outro now, so enjoy the crap out of that.
Karate Emergency: The New Class is here to stay. Check it. Plus, find us on iTunes under “Karate Emergency.”
Good news! If you’re one of the many Seahawks fans who would like to see someone other than current offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell calling plays, Marshawn Lynch’s mother agrees with you.
Mama Lynch posted the following diatribe on her public Facebook profile on Monday night:
I guess it might be time to gas up the #FireBevell bandwagon once again.
HEAVEN — Refuting comments made Monday by Kam Chancellor in a report from 710 ESPN Seattle, God, Lord of All Things, spoke on the record to inquiring reporters for the first time in several millennia.
“I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not give a damn,” said God, when asked about Chancellor’s claim that a contract dispute with the Seattle Seahawks was “in God’s hands.”
“Is he planning to part the Red Sea anytime soon? Will he be leading an entire group of people to freedom from religious persecution? No? Then that shit is not in my hands,” proclaimed Our Lord.
Continue reading God: Chancellor’s Situation “Not In My Hands”
Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: St. Louis Rams