Happy Blue Friday, 12s, and welcome once again to another installment of Know Your [Bad Word] Opponent. This week we bring to you the least exciting undefeated team in football, the Cincinnati Bengals. Enjoy.
If you’re a child of the ’90s, as I am, you may remember going to pizza parlors throughout your youth and depositing quarters into machines that dispensed fun, enjoyable crap. You put a quarter in, you spun a handle, and crap came out. Think of all the things you would never need, the things you couldn’t pawn off at your mother’s garage sale for a nickel. These were the very things kids like you and I were getting out of the veritable money pits polluting the entryways of Godfather’s, Shakey’s, Azteca, Red Robin, and more. Sticky hands, super balls, flimsy keychains made in China — a plethora of junk that could entertain a group of 10-year-olds for two or three hours, at most.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Cincinnati Bengals
The bluest of Fridays to all 12 of you reading this! We’ve reached Week Four of the NFL season, and this week’s Seahawks opponent you need to know about is… the Detroit Lions.
Golden Tate is back! The guy who is absolutely, unequivocally, 100-percent responsible for Russell and Ashton Wilson’s divorce is returning to Seattle this weekend to wreck some homes, jack a few doughnuts, and maybe make a catch or two.
What? Don’t pretend like you weren’t consumed by the Golden-Ashton rumors. They may be silly. They may be unsubstantiated. They may not even be true. But don’t deny it: you were sucked into the juiciness like a 40-year-old single woman on Bachelor night.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Detroit Lions
Hello 12th People, and welcome to another Blue Friday. Today marks the third installment of our weekly preview on the Seahawks’ 2015 opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Chicago Bears.
The Chicago Bears. My god, are they bad. This might very well be the worst team in the NFL, which may come as a shock to some of you since it wasn’t that long ago the Bears were actually decent. But man oh man, have they found ways to make themselves shitty the past couple seasons.
Let’s start from the top.
Following the 2012 campaign, the Bears fired head coach Lovie Smith, who didn’t totally suck. Rather than hire a better version of Smith to lead them, Chicago panicked and snagged Marc Trestman from the CFL. That’s right, Canada. They hired a quarterbacks guru from football’s minor leagues and expected it to work out. Naturally, it did not.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Chicago Bears
Kam Chancellor is back! But what does it mean for the Seahawks? And how about the 12th Man? Will all the #BlockedByKam fans be vindicated on Twitter? We investigate this and more.
In other news, we check in on Kelly’s dating life and the amazing Zack Morris-esque feat she pulled off on Friday. Plus a little venting on the Chinese president and a news story straight from the Steve Sarkisian school of expense reporting.
Karate Emergency, episode 3: Check it out!
Special thanks to The Seattle Times for posting video of our special friends, Bob Condotta and Jayson Jenks, Seahawks beat writers. We’ll periodically review their video breakdowns and provide analysis here. We call it “Breakdown Breakdown.” Enjoy.
0:00 – Bob and Jenks come to you live from a wetland.
0:07 – Jenks doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He’s also holding the mic weird. It’s not a salad fork. You can grab that thing like you mean it.
0:12 – Bob enters the conversation at 12 seconds. He’s the most 12.
Also, he dressed up for this and I’m not sure you people appreciate that enough. He’s sans hoodie, for one thing. What if it rains? Bob is willing to go hoodless and put his hair at risk for the good of this video. He’s usually clothed in weather-adaptable attire, but not today. Today he’s adorned in a charcoal sweater straight from Mossimo’s 1999 boy band music video collection. I own a similar sweater and, when paired with a spritz of PoloSport, it can be quite the aphrodisiac for thirty-somethings.
Continue reading Breakdown Breakdown: Dissecting Video of Bob & Jenks
Hello fans, and welcome back to the 12th day of the week, Blue Friday. We have for you today the second installment of previews on your 2015 Seahawks opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Green Bay Packers.
Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league. There. It’s been said. Everyone get over it. He’s got a rocket arm, the numbers back up his extreme proficiency, and he does it all with regulation footballs, unlike some of his peers. So he’s great, he’s amazing, we all agree.
But is there a more staid human being on the face of the earth than Rodgers? The man is without emotion. He is two droopy eyes, a smile that exudes no real passion, and a voice so monotone that T-Pain couldn’t even vocode it to head-nodding respectability. He is the vanilla in your ice cream, the taupe on your walls, the cardboard on your boxes.
And without a doubt, Rodgers will segue his stellar playing career into a cushy seat in the press box, next to the likes of Kenny Albert or some other schmuck doing play-by-play, then proceed to torment every fan in the NFL by ejaculating overly-agreeable clichés picked up from years of being molded into a social android unto the masses after each and every play. Get ready for that apocalyptic future of football-watching, because it’s coming and you cannot escape it.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Green Bay Packers
Good news! If you’re one of the many Seahawks fans who would like to see someone other than current offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell calling plays, Marshawn Lynch’s mother agrees with you.
Mama Lynch posted the following diatribe on her public Facebook profile on Monday night:
I guess it might be time to gas up the #FireBevell bandwagon once again.