Hey, Oklahoma City: Can you stop being passive-aggressive jerkoffs now?

sonics-fans-6df4c655b796c3beBelow is a response to a letter penned to Seattle by The Oklahoman columnist Jenni Carlson. Read at your own risk.

Dear Oklahoma City,

Truce? I don’t think so.

Here in Seattle, we’ve been watching your basketball team and its slobber-knocking run to an inevitable playoff ouster.  We see the joy our former Sonics have created. We see the passion your fans have for this championship-losing bound bunch. We see the arm-waving, cousin-banging Thunder-up insanity of it all.

And we wonder if it’s time you went and fucked yourselves.

You’ve got a great, albeit unaccomplished basketball team.

We’ve got a great football team.

Can we all just agree that you’ll go fuck yourselves?

Sure, there will probably always be some people in Oklahoma City who want to get along with Seattle because they need validation and have a strong desire to be liked and accepted by all of society. They watched a couple years ago when the Thunder lost in the NBA Finals and felt that a future of fateful title defeats might be avoided if a bit of good karma was extended the Pacific Northwest’s way.

That’s assuming they survived the pain of seeing Clay Bennett purse his lips and tighten his asshole just a bit more than usual upon being toppled on the league’s biggest stage by the Miami Heat.

But the truth is, the Sonics’ departure can be traced in no part whatsoever to the Seahawks’ first of many other trips to the Super Bowl. That was February 2006, and it has no bearing on what’s occurred since, what’s occurring now, and what will occur later on because aside from being from the same city, the Seahawks and Sonics have very little in common, so why make such a lazy comparison unless you’re a lazy, talentless scribe, am I right?

The same winter that our football team had everyone buzzing here, a displaced basketball team was having a much lesser effect there. The Hornets had landed in Oklahoma City after a natural disaster forced them out of New Orleans, and Oklahomans were quickly realizing how beneficial it can be to capitalize on tragic events.

And as your NBA passion was borne out of others’ misfortune, ours in Seattle remained ever-fervent – though you’d like to believe otherwise because Clay Bennett is a propagandist who did a good job convincing you that we stopped supporting our team.

The Seahawks were the shahs, and the Mariners were the emperors, and let’s insert some other middling hierarchical relationship analogies in order to cobble together a back-handed compliment. The Sonics? They were our first love in this basketball-crazy town and as Bennett and his band of cronies did everything they could to make the gameday experience insufferable in that final year, fans still showed up, putting forth an effort that looked like this. Making matters worse was an NBA commissioner determined to stick it to our town, who had shared a bond with the team’s new owner over email exchanges dripping with curious affection, who had long developed a personal hatred towards the State of Washington and everyone in it, who will one day go to his grave with an entire region of basketball fans wishing he burns in hell for all eternity.

It’s not your fault, per se, but you won’t drop the subject, so it kind of is. I mean, we’d be fine just blaming Bennett, Stern, and Howard Schultz for this mess. But you assholes keep bringing up the past, intervening in our business, and pretending that the hijacking of our basketball franchise should just be water under the bridge. Like it’s no big deal. Like it just happens.

You know the rest, Oklahoma City.

No need for me to copy the remainder of Jenni Carlson’s format and pollute your brains with anymore of this impassioned drivel.

It’s plain as day that the original column, however petty, was shit out half-heartedly by a writer who will forever be stuck scribing for people that can almost read.

You can take that basketball team of yours and shove it up your collective asses. You can watch our football team in the Super Bowl and root for whoever you like, knowing that a football team of your own can’t exist above the college level.

And when we get an NBA team back in Seattle, you can rest assured that we’ll be there at every single meeting between our two squads, yelling, screaming, and rooting against you godforsaken pieces of Satan’s excrement, you trolling, sorry little bastards.

No better time than the present for you to go fuck yourselves.

Love, Seattle

61 responses

  1. Love it Akita, I hope you sent that to the other author.

  2. This woman’s going to rue the day. If there’s one thing you don’t do, it’s pick the scab of scarred Sonics fans. And you certainly don’t offer us f’ing Robert Swift raising the 12th Man flag as some sort of olive branch. Best to stick to getting Mike Gundy to yell at you that he’s 40.

  3. Maybe build a new arena and you’d still have the team.

  4. A little butt hurt? Lovely how you insult the people of Oklahoma and their intelligence over an article in a newspaper. Typical response from an asshole Northwesterner. Your team was stolen? You ranked in the bottom half of the league in attendance for a decade before Clay moved that team. Teams relocate, and they do it for a reason. Find me an owner who has relocated and stated his intention to do so when he bought the team. You are a bunch of whiney, coffee sippin’ pussies. Go Thunder, go Broncos, and fuck the Sonics!

  5. Perhaps James, perhaps. If we had just bent over, spent $500 million on an arena in a nightmare traffic area, without Clay having to kick in anything, it would have worked. Granted, Clay didn’t want it to work, but let’s not let the facts get in the way of a good story, shall we?

  6. Jenni Carlson is an idiot (I live in OKC). You guys are just making it worse by responding to her crap. She is trying to ruffle feathers because she is an attention whore, and she is probably bored and ran out of dicks to suck.

  7. Haha keep sucking your uncle’s dick Seattle.

  8. Lol you mad bro? Seattle isn’t even worthy of being my butthole

  9. Dear Jar Binks… Stating fact is only an insult if you take it that way. It’s not Alex’s fault that Oklahoma would rather fund prisons than schools.

  10. With that kinda language, it’s hard to take anything you say seriously. Bad read. :|

  11. C3POooooooklahoma is the place to be!

    I uhgree wich Jar Binks (nice use of the geereatest stahr whars careacter of all tim by the by!) You think John Wayne ever drank his self sum coffee? Heeeaaallll no, hoss! Coffee’s fer lilly livered city slicker yeller bellied tender feet peeeeuuuuuuuussies! The likes of witch yar like ta find in winey good fer nothin liberal sess poohls like seattle! Obamacare! You jes let me tell you wut! I pert neer hate me some dad gum seattle. Broncos, now thayut thar’s a man’s team. I hope them real ‘mericans tie you pensil neck pinko comies like a spring hog and put one in yer thin gay merrige avokatin’ skuls! Fyuck yuuuuuu! USA! Go Devir! Hang em’ hi!

  12. WOW! Folks from Oklahoma don’t sound like very nice people, they even berate their own.

  13. Nice retort. A statement of opinion is not a fact. Over half our state’s budget goes to education, so you seem to be confused as well. You and C3 here prove my point well, resorting to insulting a person’s intelligence when you lack any substantive argument. Enjoy your loss next Sunday, douche.

  14. C3POooooooklahoma is the place to be!

    Hey thar Jar, I’m with y’all! I’m not resortin’ ta insultin’ intellergense! I’m insultin’ lack er manliness and fortitude, like you were! Dontcher remember when ye called em pussies? Rightly so! Hopeferly, they don’t catch on ta ar little game er firefly in a jar and notice we’r hoss wranglin’ them fer bein’ pussies cuz’n wer hot as John McCain’s dauwter over what thay said about are smarts, which is the same thing theys doin, so we’r hypercritical as a two headed mule, witch isnt too smart if’n yer catchin’ my drift! OKC Beyutches!

  15. Ha stupid fucks from Oklahoma. Its gonna be funny as shit watching Durant leave in 2016. You may think he will stay but he will leave that po dunk town right away come 2016. Then you will be left with Westbrook until he bolts back to Cali. You are destination no where. We’ll see where you attendance is at when your stars leave. Then again maybe Clay Clay can ask Stern to ask his mini me to get y’all the #1 pick because Stern doesnt want to look like a fucktard (more than he already is anyway). Actually Stern could retire in Oklahoma, he’d fit in well with all you fucktards.

  16. Designated Drinker

    I have no problem with the people of OKC wanting to support their team. You should!

    However, you should really just not bring up old wounds, you should not believe what Clay-Clay has sold you (in regards to our Sonics) as fact.

    You OKC fans should also petition to your ownership group to remove your history from the 40 years of Sonics history. You should want what has happened in your building to be your history, not Gary Payton or Shawn Kemp. That’s OUR history.

    Just leave it be, it hurts true Sonic fans bad enough that you have a great team.

  17. Jar Binks is named after an intentionally remedial character, probably one of the dumbest characters in sci-fi history.

    Coincidence? I think not.

  18. Fuck OKC.

  19. Wow! Article was a little harsh, but then again OKC is showing their class with their responses. “Suck your daddies dick Seattle” “coffee sipping pussies”? Dropping typical stereotypes, liberal city full of Gay coffee drinkers? Shows how much you even really know about life outside OKC. You Yokels! Go Hawks Go Longhorns.

  20. The most shocking thing about this article isn’t the cussing. It’s the fact that Oklahoma residents even have internet access to leave comments. Go back to your barns and fuck your cousins.

  21. I’m from Seattle and I still think this article is pathetic. The OKC article at least had a good intent. This is just toxic.

  22. Good intent? You and I must not have read the same article because the entire piece was full of veiled threats and retreading old wounds while completely ignoring the underhanded dealings involved with Clay Bennett and the Sonics. It’s basketball season and this “writer” didn’t even write about basketball.

  23. “You’ve got a great, albeit unaccomplished basketball team.” – What a ridiculous statement to make considering the subject. Yes, the Thunder doesn’t have an NBA crown of their own…..which seems to fit in beautifully with the Mariners and Seahawks. Let’s hope the Hawks can beat Denver next week so they have SOMETHING to show for all that misery.

  24. Bravo! Emerald City 4 life.

  25. Seattle fans suck. Maybe if you guys actually went to the games and fought harder for the team like Kings fans did. Kings fans are way better than Sonics fans. Kings sold out more in 28 seasons than Seattle did in 41 seasons. Then, you claim your team was stolen and then support trying to get the Kings. Hypocrisy at its finest. GO KINGS!

  26. Yep, Seattle fans are the worst in the country. Couldn’t support the Sonics, lose them and then whine about it to this day, and then try and steal the Kings franchise from us. Get lost, douche bags.

  27. Kings fans > Sonics fans

  28. OMG CURSE WORDS. Very well written and accurate. Hey Kings fans, hope your public vote goes well (lol), sorry that the football team closest to you lost to Seattle. But hey, you kept your below average NBA team… So props. You’re welcome for Isaiah Thomas.

  29. LOUD NOISES.

    Anyway.

    I think this is pretty spot-on. It isn’t written for Oklahoma City, it’s written for Seattle – so if you’re upset, anyone in Oklahoma City, please drink a hot glass of shut the fuck up. No one cares about your feelings in this matter.

    “This is just toxic.”

    That was what initiated this writing. This article is the antidote.

    Clay Bennett, yes, lied to you. Deal with that simple fact.

    Also, fuckheads, who’s “complaining” about losing the Sonics here? No one’s saying “give back our team,” we’re saying “take the team, shove it up yourselves and duct tape your orifice closed. Don’t call, don’t write.”

    As for you morons who don’t have the ability to count? Seattle’s attendance was above 90% from 1994 to the end of the 2006 season. It dropped to 79% of seats sold in the 2007-2008 season. The only exception to that 90% number was 1999-2000, 89%.

    So shut the fuck up. Attendance may’ve not been huge, in-person, not overpowering, but the seats were being sold at an incredible rate. Know before you speak, don’t regurgitate and parrot the same garbage your buddy told you.

  30. The clock is ticking in Sacramento to build an arena. If it goes to a public vote — and it might because a group just submitted enough signatures to force the issue to the ballot — I wouldn’t be surprised if a new arena fails — again. The Kings are as good as gone if that happens because even the NBA, with it’s many attempts over the years to force Sacramento to build them a new arena on the public’s dime, would cut their losses and head north on I-5. The duplicitous NBA gave the Kings new owners until 2017. It just might happen, Sonics fans.

  31. Kings sold out in 18 of 28 seasons and Seattle sold out 4 out of 41 seasons. So Kings fans actually showed up to the games. Kevin Johnson did everything he could to keep the Kings. Your mayor just let them go. Thanks for your hypocrisy. GO KINGS!

  32. *Kings fan. You have to have more than one to make it plural.

  33. I don’t think the Kings are coming because, Kevin Johnson is the mayor, so they speak NBA. With us, Stern got the mindset of we were dissing him, when actually, our state was in financial pickle and it would have been political suicide to build an arena funded by the tax payers.

  34. Kevin Durant Wears Sonics Hats

    @Jake Funny you say that, considering that if we were to, for the sake of example, give the USA a butthole, Oklahoma would probably be pretty close to being USA’s butthole. I mean, if Texas were the dick, Oklahoma would be the pubes–that’s as close as you’re gonna get. Those pubes make their way to the butthole sooner or later. On the other hand, WA is one of the most educated and progressive areas in the country. Oklahoma is one of the worst places I’ve ever been in my life. Suck my balls, and go Sonics.

  35. ^Your arrogance is one reason why you guys don’t have a team. Bashing the state won’t bring the Sonics back. It’s not the people of Oklahoma City’s fault that you guys lost a team. At least Oklahoma isn’t filled with self-important, self-congratulatory pricks that blame other people for its own city’s problems. Of course, I would be depressed if I lived in a city where it did nothing but rain. Not to mention, you guys were ranked by Forbes as the most miserable sports town. GO KINGS!

  36. Spencer Haywood's Afro

    Why do the license plates in Oklahoma say “OKLAHOMA IS OK”?

    Because “OKLAHOMA IS MEDIOCRE” doesn’t fit.

  37. Go Hawks.

    Fuck the Thunder.

    Fuck the Kings.

    Hell, fuck the Mariners too.

  38. Kings fans > Sonics fans
    One refused to let a team go.
    The other let a team go and tried to take someone else’s.

  39. Sacramento fans still brainwashed by KJ’s propoaganda and how the arena is going to be ethically built and isn’t screwing over taxpayers. Laugh-Out-Loud

  40. I’m starting to the get the impression that everyone in Seattle starts the day by saying ‘Good FUCKING morning’!

  41. Raining tears in Seattle. Thunder up!

  42. Lol… Sonic tears are still salty as fuck. Losers.

  43. Wow big words from “Anonymous” this is why children shouldn’t be allowed on the internet.

  44. Takes a child to know a child. Get an NBA team, then we’ll talk.

  45. Lol Seattle fans are this mad.
    Oh and if you really think C3P is a genuine OKC fan then your a dumbass.

  46. Seven years Seattle has been talking shit. Seven long years. Enough already.

    The writer who wrote that story has no credibility in OKC anyways.

    I want no truce. If you’re going to keep talking garbage, don’t expect us to not respond right back.

  47. Kings fan here. The Anonymous guy is a giant douche. Sorry about that. I hope you guys get the Sonics back somehow. I was a fan in the Peyton/Kemp/Schrempf/Perkins era.

    That said, the only reason that there might be a public vote is because Chris Hansen poured $100,000 into a group that was basically five cranks meeting in a garage. It was a low and slimey tactic.

    What happened to the Sonics sucked. I sympathize more than you would think because it almost happened to the Kings. I thought I attended my last game. My family cried.

    The real villain is the artificial scarcity of teams. There is no legitimate reason not to expand to Seattle now. It’s what should have happened to give Oklahoma City a team in the first place.

    But the NBA owners want cities fighting over an artificially limited pool of teams because it makes those teams more valuable. And they love it when the cities forget they are being manipulated and fight amongst each other, rather than venting their frustration on the true enemy: the NBA itself.

  48. Dude you’re such a bitch. Get the fuck over it! You just won the fucking super bowl and you’re still complaining about the Thunder. No one gave a fuck about the sonics until they left.

  49. You know he wrote this before the super bowl, right?

    Logic is difficult.

  50. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I fucking love the hate!!! Keep hating shit dicks. This article was fucking gold! THUNDER UP MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

  51. Sonics fans feel that their team was stolen but don’t show up to the games. Sonics were bottom in the league in attendance. Kings fans actually fought for their team unlike Seattle. Plus, you guys supported the Kings moving to Seattle and hated the way the Sonics left. Pot calling kettle black much? You’re just butthurt that you didn’t get to root for a contender. BTW, you do realize that Clay Bennett will never read your complaints about his team right? If you want someone to blame, blame Howard Schultz. He gave the keys to Bennett in the first place. Quit being hypocrites.

  52. Do you call yourself a journalist? I’m not sure what your profession is but your parentsust be ashamed of you but they probably haven’t seen your response. I’m also not sure where you attended school but I’m sure the organization did not advocate the spew of filthy hate filled angry language that comprised a majority of your response.

  53. I live just south of OKC and I don’t care whether seahawks come to OKC or not. They smoked the broncos and played GREAT ball. I can support the seahawks without needing them to move here. True teams move. Seattle, please understand that the public in OKC really has very little say in what teams we get. The recent t-shirt hoax was a low blow and the comments from OKC fans are lower. We will love any team that moves here and we will support them no matter what… win or lose. The misconception of OKC being cousin loving Hicks? You’re thinking of Arkansas or Kentucky. We really aren’t so bad. I’ll support your seahawks and hope they stay in Seattle. Go out and support them, even in years when they aren’t superbowl champs!

  54. The author of this article not only sounds like a shitty person, but also makes the general population of Seattle seam like a bunch of bitter pricks. Fucking get over it you whiny cunts! Seems like nothing in Seattle is done graciously or with class, that includes their super bowl win that no one will remember because Sherman stole the show for himself.

    PEOPLE OF SEATTLE…GET OVER YOURSELVES…EVERYONE IS SICK OF YOUR SHIT…

    Sincerely,
    The entire rest of the United States.

  55. This just further proves that seattleites are snobby little douchers. Seattlelites have such a heightened sense of importance. For a city who’s metro area barely cracks the top fifteen in america you guys sure put yourselves on quite the pedestal… Seattle’s inferiority complex is fascinating to say the least. It’s the snobbery that hurts seattle the most. It’s a city with a lot of potential but that’s easily overlooked when everything you hear from seattle residents is just so conceited and irrational…

  56. I like that you’re a big enough moron to think it’s snobby to say “Like your team? Great, fuck off.” We don’t want your olive branch and we could give a shit if they do well or not. If that offends you, find some big boy pants. Seattle couldn’t give a flying fuck about how the team is doing in Oklahoma City, so don’t try to be our pals about it. You got the team because the owner was a scumbag, that’s it.

    If you don’t like that fact, don’t bitch at us. Will we bring it up? Maybe. Why? He was a scumbag and we lost our basketball team.

    So please, feel free to fuck yourself, Oklahoma.

  57. Damn, you sound like a bitter women who can’t get over her first love….. 7 years ago!! that bitch be CRAZY!

  58. Your tears still taste as sweet as ever Seattle.

  59. Oklahoma Has Always Been A Shit Hole!
    Anyone Remember What The
    Dust Bowl Did to That Place??
    What a Shitty place to Move a Stolen NBA Team to.
    The Best Thing that could Happen is if a Tornado
    Destroys OKC’s Arena with All The Plunder
    Fans in it!

    Seattle has a NBA Championship
    And a NFL Championship

    What Do you Sister Fuckers in OKC Have?
    A Stolen NBA Team. That’s Right!
    Now Go Back To Watching NASCAR

  60. Seattle=Were You Make Championship Teams!
    Oklahoma=Were You Fucking Steal Championship Teams!

    Seattle=Were You Make Championship Teams!
    Oklahoma=Were You Fucking Steal Championship Teams!

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