Your 2013 Seattle Seahawks are 10-1, which in and of itself is a problem because obviously, hah, they’re not a perfect 11-0. Yeah, they might be the best team in the NFL right now, but there’s always room for improvement. That’s why we’re here today to point out 11 of their greatest flaws. Trust me, when we win the Super Bowl, you’ll be grateful we addressed these problems so early on. Go Hawks.
11. Marshawn Lynch’s Beacon Plumbing ad, which is frightening.
Their slogan is “Stop freakin’, call Beacon,” but in reality the freakin’ starts with the ad pitched by the Seahawks’ starting tailback. The tone with which Lynch delivers his endorsement of the local plumbing company is the type of tenor you might expect to hear right before you get stabbed in the heart or kicked in the testicles. Maybe Beacon can consider public speaking classes for the celebrities giving their testimonials in the future, but for now the entire Greater Seattle area lives in fear of clogged drains.
10. There aren’t enough police officers at CenturyLink Field.
It’s been weeks since I’ve seen anyone wearing a San Francisco 49ers jersey at the Seahawks’ stadium. As fans, we should be asking ourselves how safe we truly are.
9. Breno Giacomini hasn’t fought anyone in a while.
Sure, he’s been injured, I get that. But still, the starting right tackle had four quarters in which to spar with an opponent on Sunday and he didn’t do it. How healthy is he really?
8. The quarterback with the highest passer rating is on the bench.
Tarvaris Jackson: 144.1
Russell Wilson: 105.1
I smell a controversy.
7. The questions asked in the CenturyLink Tech Tips quiz on the JumboTron are far too easy.
If you’ve been looking at porn on your work computer, should you:
a) Forward whatever you’ve been looking at to everyone in the office.
b) Change your computer’s settings so that the monitor never sleeps or logs out, thus allowing anyone to access your machine at any time.
c) Leave a box of tissues and a bottle of industrial-sized Jergens on your desk.
d) Clear your cache and purge your browser’s history at least six or seven times a day just to be safe.
I mean, come on.
6. Jon Ryan’s jersey is still not being sold in the Pro Shop.
HE’S THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEAM! And who else are the ginger kids going to look up to? Paul McQuistan? Hah, yeah right.
5. No bobbleheads have been given away this season.
This is really gonna have an impact on crowd size in the future. Do you want butts in the seats or not? You people obviously don’t know what Seattle sports fans are into.
4. Doug Baldwin has been in too good a mood.
Aside from mean-mugging the home crowd after a touchdown catch on Sunday, Baldwin’s been in unusually high spirits this season. The chips on his shoulder may finally be repairing themselves and I don’t like it one bit. He’s supposed to be the angriest man on the team!
3. It hasn’t been loud enough at home games.
The over-under on crowd noise is set at “seismic activity.” To the best of my knowledge, fans have not yet caused an earthquake in 2013. That’s an issue.
2. The team is just 7-4 against the Vegas line this year.
It’s all fun and games until bookies and hitmen are chasing you down demanding money.
1. The stadium internet blows.
Have you ever tried to tweet at a game? Update your Facebook status, post a picture, sext? It’s damn near impossible.
Maybe upgrade to Comcast, I don’t know.