From: Seattle Sportsnet
On behalf of: Concerned fantasy football owners everywhere
Date: September 17, 2012
First of all, congratulations on winning the first two games of the 2012 season. By virtue of record, your Falcons are better than 26 other ballclubs in the league. That’s a hell of an accomplishment. And on top of that, the team’s offense is flourishing, making your job among the most secure in America right now. That’s fantastic.
Anyway, enough with the small talk. I’m not writing to you today to comment on your success, great as it may be. I’m writing to you because I need your help.
You see, I am the proud owner of both Michael Turner and Julio Jones in my most important fantasy football league. As fate would have it, however, my team is struggling. You can probably imagine why. I have invested quite a bit in two of your employees, and yet here we are headed into Week Three and I don’t like what I’m seeing from these guys. Allow me to explain.
To begin, let’s talk about Julio Jones. My god, that man is a beast. He is the AK-47 of your offense, a bona fide assault rifle. Why you’ve decided not to fire him all up and down the field in fifty-percent of your games thus far is absolutely befuddling to me. Sure, he may be covered. Yes, he may even be double-teamed. But I know he’s faster than nearly every defensive back in the league. Send him on a go route every play. He’ll be open most of the time. He cannot be contained. He’s a dominating specimen. And he’s weird-looking, too. Which is good, because weird-looking players always play with a chip on their shoulder. They have to prove something looking all weird like that. Seriously. Just look at him. He looks like Seal with dreads. Or at least he did before he cut his hair. Now I guess he kinda just looks like Seal. It’s freakin’ weird.
If Julio is an AK-47, then that makes Roddy White a shotgun. He’s alright. Good for a couple blasts a game, nothing more. If you’re counting on a shotgun to be an explosive force, well let me tell you, you’re gonna lose more battles than you win, that’s just a fact. If shotguns were that great, no one would have invented assault rifles. Likewise, if Roddy White was that special, the Falcons wouldn’t have drafted Julio Jones. It’s a metaphor that kind of makes sense; let’s roll with it.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is this: Roddy White doesn’t need 11 targets a game like he had in Week Two. That’s far too many targets. Julio only got four targets to White’s 11. That’s not balanced. That’s like buying one of your kids a new Ferrari, then giving the other kid a hand-me-down Taurus. You have to love your kids equally. Why are you being a bad parent to Julio Jones?!
Sticking with the gun analogy, here comes Tony Gonzalez, your musket. Man, is that dude ancient. Every time he makes a catch, I feel like I’ve been robbed by the little old lady on the scooter from Dumb and Dumber. And I didn’t even see it coming! Throwing the ball to this guy should be considered assisting the elderly. I hope someone in the organization signs off on your community service every time you draw up a play for him. It’s nice that you guys keep him around and all, but Tony should be off somewhere ordering from the back of the menu at Denny’s. Let’s get past the fact that he’s a good guy and once played the game at a superior level. He’s Shadow from Homeward Bound. Yeah, he can still get it done a bit, but we all know that no one really likes him the way they like Chance and Sassy. He moves slowly and smells funny. The reaction he inspires from onlookers is one of sympathy above all else. He shouldn’t be catching touchdowns. Let’s get him in a rocking chair, pronto.
Enough about the passing game. You get my drift. More Julio, less everyone else.
Moving on. Michael Turner. The Burner. Is he the greatest player to ever emerge from Northern Illinois University? Probably. Did I do any research to back up my claim? No. But we’ll work off that assumption anyway. It’s Northern Illinois.
The Burner has a mere 28 carries on the year. Twenty-eight!!! I realize you came out before the season and said Turner’s workload would be reduced, but why? Just because the dude’s 30 now? He’s fresh! He didn’t even do much his first few years in the league! Just sat there on San Diego’s sideline holding LaDainian Tomlinson’s baseball cap, probably thinking about all the chicks he was gonna rail after the game. Those legs are doing fine! He doesn’t need rest! And frankly, just look at those legs. They’re like mini refrigerators. I don’t know even know how that dude takes shits without breaking toilets. What happened? Did he break your toilet? Are you upset about that? Let’s move past any toilet-breaking incidents and start giving this man the ball more. He has rushed for over 1,300 yards in each of the past two seasons! Doesn’t he deserve better?
Look, Dirk. I’ll admit you and I have had our differences. When you were coaching at Arizona State, your Sun Devils beat my Huskies on more than a couple occasions. That hurt me, but I’ve let bygones be bygones. Right now, we need each other. I play fantasy football, which helps the NFL generate billions of dollars in revenue each year, which in turn makes your salary feasible. So in essence, I am indirectly paying your salary. I, on the other hand, need you to make me look like a genius. And you are failing me miserably right now! That is not cool! I haven’t let up on paying your salary. My interest in the NFL could not be higher. It’s not going down anytime soon. I need you to reciprocate the concern.
And look, it’s not just me you’re failing. It’s every fantasy football owner that fields a made-up roster containing either Julio or Burner. We are all in this together! I know you might not like this. I know your goal as a football coach is to be gruff and secretive. But even though affability may not be your thing, I’m reaching out anyway. On behalf of thousands, if not millions of people who share an interest in these two athletically-gifted gentlemen.
Again, congratulations on your success thus far. You’re doing pretty good. A solid B-plus. But I want you to get an A-plus, Dirk. I want that A-plus. For you, for me, for all of humanity. Hand the ball to Michael, throw the ball to Julio. It’s that easy. Thank you.