I have a theory. We should start getting Jumbacos with every Mariners loss. It’s a great theory because it involves free food, as well as the opportunity to associate a happy term like “Jumbaco” with the much-less-happy M’s. Here’s how I see the Jumbacos For Losses campaign playing out.
Side note: For those of you not yet familiar with the greatness of the Jumbaco, please watch this very brief informational video:
Picture yourself sitting in a near-empty Safeco Field. It’s the bottom of the ninth and the Mariners are down to their final out in a game that was more or less over in the second inning. The score is 7-1 and you’re thinking, Damn, why did I sit through all this when I could have been doing so many other things? That’s a great question, and frankly one we’ve all asked ourselves many times during the past decade. I feel you there.
Anyway, you need a reason to tolerate this last gasp the M’s are putting together, what with Brendan Ryan on his way out to “pinch hit” and all. This would be misery, otherwise. They might as well have the Mortal Kombat “FINISH HIM!” flashing across the big screen.
That’s when you hear it. To your right, just a few sections over, a quiet murmur rhythmically emanates from a crowd of still-rowdy fanatics. You can’t quite make out what they’re saying. You strain your ears to listen. The chanting gets louder and louder. All of a sudden, you know.
“…jum-ba-co…jum-BAAA-co…JUM-BAAAAAA-co…JUM-BAAAAAA-CO…JUM-BA-CO! JUM-BA-CO!!! JUM-BA-CO!!!!!!”
Suddenly, as if in a dreamlike state, you’re on your feet. You’re clapping your hands with the beat. You’re cheering with your fellow diehards. You find yourself yelling “JUM-BA-CO!” over and over again. You don’t know why, really. Sure, you’re allergic to beef, but this just feels good. Chanting “Jumbaco” is fun!
“…JUM-BA-CO! JUM-BA-CO!!! JUM-BA-CO!!!!!!”
Ryan swings and misses at a 98-mile-per-hour fastball for strike one. The crowd goes wild!
“JUMBACO! JUMBACO! JUMBACO!”
The closer sets. Delivers. Fastball. Swing and a miss, strike two. Everyone’s going crazy! Strangers are high-fiving for no apparent reason!
“JUMBACO! JUMBACO! JUMBACO!”
The murmur is a stadium-wide roar at this point. Everyone’s on the same page. It’s Jumbaco time.
The count is 0-and-2. Here comes the pitch…swing and a miss on a breaking ball! It’s over! It’s over!
There’s jumping and flailing and screaming and — is that a grown man crying? — tears and crowd surfing and couples making out and pure, unadulterated joyousness. This is what life is all about!
You don’t want to leave, but you must. As you exit through the gates, an intern in unfortunate-looking khakis hands you a coupon for two free Jack in the Box tacos and one free Jack in the Box Jumbo Jack. Amazing! Free food for enduring that monstrosity. It’s all worth it now.
You stop at JITB on your way home. You redeem your coupon. You devour a Jumbaco. You’ll be back at Safeco Field tomorrow night. You’ll be the guy holding the homemade JUMBACO sign. Win or lose, you’ll walk away a winner. Because that’s what fans do. They find ways to win, even when their team cannot.
So tell me, fans. If we’re gonna be subjected to losing, shouldn’t we at least get Jumbacos out of it?
Jumbacos For Losses. The movement starts now.