Monthly Archives: January, 2012

Shawn Kemp: The Greatest Dunker in the History of the World

The best dunker in the NBA right now…has a perm. If this were a matter of determining who the best dunker in NBA history with a perm was, then by all means Blake Griffin would win. He would edge out Paul Mokeski by a landslide. In fact, it might be a unanimous decision in Griffin’s favor. But sadly for the Clippers’ young forward, greatness is not determined by the hair upon one’s head.

If greatness were, in fact, determined by the hair upon one’s head, then Shawn Kemp would not only be the best dunker of all-time with a tilted flattop fade, but also the best dunker of all-time, period. End of story. You know he was the greatest. It goes without saying. And that fade? It was filthy. F-I-L-T-H-Y. How many people have you ever seen with a tilted flattop fade? One. Shawn F**kin’ Kemp. Nobody else has ever dared to do that with their ‘do. And if they tried? People would just laugh and call them Shawn Kemp imposters. Because Kemp was that prolific. Pro-effing-lific.

I like Blake Griffin. I do. For a guy who looks like the offspring of Cory Matthews and a Monstar, he’s pretty good. He plays a decent game. He fields lob passes nicely. He can navigate a Kia with the best Korean drivers in the world. He’s even made me a part-time Clippers fan (full-time Sonics fan, however…that will never change). But when it comes to dunking, he is the senpai to Kemp’s sensei. Bow to your sensei, Blake Griffin. Bow to him!

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The 2012 Feels Like Hardwood Classic

Pop Culture Friday: The Jack Johnson Theory, and Other Logic to Help Women Understand Men

Over the years, I’ve learned to never underestimate a woman. There are women out there who enjoy xBox, for example. Or like to watch porn as often as dudes. Or can even lead a receiver on the perfect corner route for a touchdown. Women can do anything. Men, on the other hand, are simple creatures.

If anything, women should have learned long ago to never overestimate men. We have a capacity for things we’re good at that maxes out around, say, six or seven. You’ll never meet a guy who is good at more than six or seven things. If you’re a woman, you better hope the man you settle down with doesn’t waste that capacity on stupid shit like Magic Cards or the construction of rubber band balls. We’re working with limited resources here.

Further, men only like six or seven things, as well. Most often the things we like are closely tied to the things we’re good at. For instance, I’m good at reading books. I also like reading books. You see how this works? It’s not that difficult.

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Top 11: Seattle Sports Fan Profiles

To a professional sports franchise, the best fans are like great pets. They never stray because they lack intellectual curiosity. They never ask for more than a little love and some food. They’re easily distracted by toys and other nonsense. Very simply, they are dumb, happy, and satisfied.

We do have some of those fans here in Seattle. Many, I’d imagine. But we also have a number of other fans. Different types of fans. Unique fans. Good fans, even. It’s time we examined those fans and looked within ourselves to find out who we truly are.

Below is a list of 11 fan profiles for your viewing pleasure. This isn’t just any list, though. It’s a list pertinent to our very region. These are Seattle sports fan profiles. They’re ours. And they’re amazing.

11. Disciples of Geoff Baker

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Bring Back Karate Emergency: An Open Letter to KJR’s Rich Moore

What follows is a letter I have sent to the station manager at Sports Radio KJR, Rich Moore. Feel free to email Rich at programming@kjram.com if you have an opinion you’d like to share. You can also contact Rich on Twitter, @950PD.

“Take a look at me now, ’cause there’s just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against all odds, and that’s what I’ve got to face.” -Phil Collins.

Hello Rich,

You’ll notice I’ve quoted Phil Collins above. A man only does that when he’s desperate, Rich. I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why.

Rich, I’m writing to you today with a plea. I’m writing on my own accord, unbeknownst to my cohorts, asking you to let us bring back the internet’s greatest podcast, Karate Emergency. I’ve searched the entire web. There are no better podcasts. Ours won. It’s science.

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The Stupidity of Recruiting

Recruiting in college athletics is stupid. It brings out the worst in everybody. It exposes coaches as slimeballs, fans as batshit crazy whiners, and the high school prey as immature, entitled punks.

A short while ago, Doug Pacey of the Tacoma News-Tribune wrote this article on fans’ “nastiness” during the recruiting process. The piece could not have been more precise in explaining the ever-narrowing gap between fans and prospective college athletes, a divide that has been lessened with the rise of the internet age.

While college recruiting has always been a sleazy industry, hardcore fanatics have only really been brought into the fold over the past decade, as sites like Rivals.com and Scout.com (host to our very own Dawgman.com) have made prep athletics — and all which that entails; namely, recruiting — their primary focus. At the same time, social media websites like Facebook and Twitter have given fans direct access to the recruits themselves, a caustic union akin to mixing Tim McGraw and Nelly (every time I hear Over and Over, I’m quite positive a child in a third-world country is stricken with malaria).

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Snowy, With A Chance of Jesus

Hello, Seattle. The news says we’re going to get between one and twelve inches of snow on Wednesday. One and twelve. That’s a hell of a range. I told my last date that she’d be getting between one and twelve inches when we got home and we never went out again, so, yeah. Good work, local meteorologists. Way to narrow it down for us.

I was at the grocery store preparing for this monstrosity earlier today. I scoured the aisles like I was on Supermarket Sweep, stockpiling all the essentials: microwaveable meals, cookies, Red Bull, string cheese. My cart was a dietician’s worst nightmare. But whatever, right? That’s why we have the Wroten Workout Plan. Unclogs the arteries. Oh, and the Red Bull was sugar free, so there’s that.

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Pop Culture Friday: Five Songs to Help You Get Laid

Welcome to Pop Culture Friday! As you probably know, I don’t always write about sports here at Seattle Sportsnet. So rather than keeping you guessing on when non-sports articles will appear on these pages, I’ve devoted Friday to the eclectic cause. Expect a good dose of pop culture every Friday from here on out. If you love it, enjoy. If you hate it, that’s one day out of the week you don’t have to visit the site. Without further ado…

The other day, my buddy Griffin Bennett (@GriffinWB on the Twitter; read his work over at Montlake Madness) tipped me off to an article simply entitled 10 Most Crucial Middle School Dance Jams. I took a look at the piece…and was thoroughly disappointed. First of all, any list that considers a song by Joe to be the most crucial of the most crucial is absolutely abysmal. Joe’s own mother wouldn’t put his music at the top, so why should anyone else?

Regardless, the article inspired me. It inspired me to not only compile a list of my own, but also to make that list helpful in some way or another. Writing about middle school dance jams is nostalgic and all, but it isn’t much more than that. So I decided I’d give every guy out there advice on music by which to get laid. Don’t thank me. I’m just trying to do my part.

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41 Reasons Seattle Deserves To Have The Sonics Back

One for every f**king year of history we have.

1. We’re the Seattle Supersonics, the only team in NBA history to have the word “Super” in our nickname. That’s not by accident. We’re super awesome.

2. We used to play our games in the Coliseum, which is so highly thought of that the Romans named their ancient structure after our much more modern one.

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The Huskies Just Don’t Give A…

The problem with the Husky Basketball team is that they appear to not give a shit. In any sport there will always be wins and losses. That’s a given. But win or lose, you can only hope that your team gives a shit every time they play. So far this season, the Huskies have failed to prove to me — and to many others, I’d imagine — that they are among the shit-giving elite in college basketball. That’s not good.

As a collective unit, this year’s squad resembles Matt LeBlanc in Joey. After Friends, that guy completely mailed it in. He used to care. And then Joey came along. At which point, he more or less gave up. NBC was still signing off on his paychecks. That’s really all that mattered. Lazy bastard.

Since the Huskies neither star in a sitcom spinoff nor get paid, I can’t imagine what’s motivating them to take the court these days. Maybe it’s the free gear they get, the nice kicks they wear, or perhaps all the hot college chicks they get to bang. I don’t know. I am not a psychologist. All I see is a lack of effort, hustle, and desire. Which leads me to question the heart of the entire program.

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Twitter: Our Drug of Choice

I love Twitter. Which is also why I hate it so much. It’s like cocaine for media whores. Every time you think you can go a day, an hour, a minute without it, you start scratching your neck funny and you’re back on the rock before you know it. It’s absolutely dangerous.

There are any number of things I loathe about Twitter. Not so much the things we all know about already — like the fact that many athletes are uneducated morons, for one — but rather the things that have come to dictate our social behaviors as a result of 140-character status updates.

Take, for example, the fact that Twitter gives us a false sense of surrounding at all times. Think about it. If you’re alone or even feel for a second that you could be alone (ex. party wallflower syndrome), you can grab your phone and peruse your Twitter feed. You can tune out from the real world and tune into a universe that accepts you for the two or three sentences you, or others like you, might be able to cram into a text box. That’s a powerful distraction, one that rivals drugs and alcohol in its ability to divert the discomfort of a situation.

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Top 11: Absolutely Ridiculous 2012 Seattle Sports Predictions

One year is gone and another is just beginning. We experienced quite a bit in 2011. From college football scandals galore, to divine quarterbacks, to dual lockouts, to more whimsical things, like every local sports team finding its way to a mediocre finish.

So where do we go from here? Great question. I don’t have ESP, but I like to think I do. Here are my predictions for everything that may or may not happen in the coming year. Just remember, sixty percent of the time, these work every time. Unless they don’t. In which case, at least we had fun pretending.

Without further ado, here are your absolutely ridiculous 2012 Seattle sports predictions. Because predicting the future is super fun.

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