Akita’s Average Adults

In the sports world, when an athlete makes it big, you can pretty much guarantee that he or she will start a charitable foundation.

It’s a kind gesture, founding a charity. Sharing the wealth by giving to those less fortunate is an amazing thing. It benefits both those who give and those who receive, and as a result, everybody wins.

While I am certainly no athlete, I do have dreams of starting my own charity one day. Just to be able to give back like that would be absolutely awesome. And that’s why I came up with the idea for Akita’s Average Adults.

FACT: Average adults are the most populous, yet least cared-about group of people in the entire world.

Think about that for a minute. There are more average adults than anybody else! And while those average adults are giving to kids, and the blind, and slow people, and the obese, and animals (who aren’t even people), and causes for God-knows-what, no one is looking out for the average adults. No one.

That’s where I come in.

I want to help the average adults. They’ve done so much for everyone else, it’s time everyone else did something for them. And most importantly, I want to help them do the average things they do every day in their average lives.

Need grocery money? Here’s nine dollars. Go nuts.

Want some help fueling up the beige Camry? How about a gas card.

Is it that time of the month? Let me give you this coupon for buy-one-get-one on a Costco pack of tampons. Don’t thank me. I’m just doing my part.

You’ve been getting the shaft for years. All because you’re average. How unfair is that?

You’re not different, so no one sympathizes for you.

You’re not famous, so no one adores you.

You’re just…eh. And “eh” never won any awards, got to make a wish, or profited off of bell ringers at Christmas time.

We can still give to the incapacitated, the poor, and even to kids. Kids don’t really deserve it, though. They don’t know the value of sh*t. Plus, they’ll just grow up to be average adults anyway. George W. Bush already assured us that none of them would be left behind. We should just take his word for it and move the hell on.

I want to help you, your boring family, your one-and-a-half kids, your cat and dog.

I want to make sure you have the essentials in place to get up every day and do a job you don’t really like for pay that’s less than adequate.

I want to put fast food on your table. I want to clothe you in sh*t from J.C. Penney. I want to keep that semi-overweight physique in prime shape.

You are average. Not special. Not needy. Average. You probably think the world doesn’t care. And you’re mostly right. Until now. Because I care. I care about you, Joe and Jane Average.

Akita’s Average Adults. Let’s make a dream come true.

3 responses

  1. I’m in to the Triple A for a $25 gas card from Safeway. I figure they’re average between Arco and Shell.

  2. JCPenny does have a good selection of polos.

  3. I have been so MIA. (bailey)

    #1 your website is different. #2 BOGO tampons. I’m in for that. That shit gets expensive.

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