Donkey Watch is a daily, in-depth look at Seattle Mariners third baseman Chone Figgins, also known as Donkey from Shrek.
Because we’re on a mission to get Figgins to Japan (much like the jettisoning of Kenji Johjima a few years ago, which essentially saved the team from having to cut their losses, rid themselves of a dispensable player, and pay out a hefty severance), we figured we’d do our neighbors to the east a favor and give them an insider’s perspective on their future superstar.
I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a plan for Donkey Watch. It’s bound to be ludicrous, and we’ll just see where the wind takes us. If you have any tips on Donkey’s doings for the day, feel free to email them my way, or hit me up on on Facebook or Twitter.
Without further ado…
Donkey Watch: Day 1, May 30, 2011
It was a disappointing day for Donkey.
The team’s two-hole hitter for the past thirteen months, Donkey was dropped to eighth in the batting order on Monday. Sadly, Nicole Zaloumis was never around during Donkey’s tenure to ask him what he thought of hitting in that second slot.
The move down the lineup didn’t seem to help Donkey all that much. At no point was he able to hoof out a hit, going 0-3 on the afternoon and slumping to 0-for-his-last-20. According to Abraham Lincoln, 20 is also called a score. Which means Donkey is 0-for-his-last-score. We will now start measuring Donkey’s level of futility not in couples, fews, or dozens, but in scores.
On the season, Donkey’s batting average sits at a pack mule-esque .193. If .200 is The Mendoza Line (named after former Mariners shortstop Mario Mendoza), then we’ll call .190 The Donkey Line.
To make matters worse, Donkey committed a fielding error at third base, putting to bed the notion that his glove outweighs his lack of a bat.
There were a few bright spots for Donkey, however. Manager Eric Wedge mentioned that Donkey’s lineup migration was only temporary. And Donkey himself remained rather upbeat in spite of the circumstances, stating post-game, “My confidence level, it’s always high.”
There’s no doubting how high you must be to believe that, Donkey.
We close today’s Donkey Watch with an inspirational quote that comes courtesy Donkey from Shrek: “And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin’ outta my butt that day!”