Some Facts About Alvin Davis, Friend Of Elves

I don’t care what anybody says. Alvin Davis is one of the greatest baseball players in the history of the world. Just look at that ‘stache. If it doesn’t exude power and prominence, I don’t know what does.

In 1984, Alvin won the American League Rookie of the Year award. In October of that year, I was born. Alvin willed my parents to have me.

Alvin hit home runs in each of his first two major league games that season. He finished the year with 27 longballs and 116 runs batted in. He even made the freakin’ All-Star team. That’s Alvin Davis, for you. Not just one star. All of them.

Alvin was blessed with a name like Alvin, which is synonymous with greatness and chipmunks. Think of anyone named Alvin who did greater things than Alvin Davis. You can’t. Because there isn’t anyone. Alvin Davis is the greatest Alvin that ever lived.

On a side note, the meaning of the name “Alvin” is “friend of elves”. So if you’re an elf, just know you have a friend. In Alvin.

Alvin played first base, which everyone knows is the best base, because it’s first.

Alvin wore jersey number 21. A lot of people wondered the significance of the number 21. Easy. It was the number of villainous ninjas Alvin had killed with his bare hands. In one hour. On a lazy Sunday afternoon. While he was gardening.

Alvin hit 160 home runs in his big league career. All 160 came as a Mariner, in spite of the fact that Alvin played 40 games with the California Angels in 1992. Alvin refused to hit home runs for the Angels because they did not support his friendship of elves. Jerks.

Alvin is nicknamed Mr. Mariner. He was also the first player ever elected to the team’s Hall of Fame. Furthermore, Alvin once gave permission to David Segui to don jersey number 21 when Segui signed with the Mariners in 1998. This, in spite of the fact that Segui had only killed three villainous ninjas in his entire life. And that was a mistake. It was the steroids doing most of the work, not Segui.

Alvin Davis, you are a god. May your glory live on forever. Hero. Friend of elves. Purveyor of good. Hitter of home runs. Grower of epic mustaches.

4 responses

  1. God Bless Alvin Davis!

  2. You neglected to mention that YOU truly believed that you thought you looked Just like Alvin Davis….this belief lasted from the time you were 3 until the age of 12 when after looking in the mirror AND at a picture of the real Alvin Davis you came to the realization that you in fact looked NOTHING like Alvin Davis…..thank God!

  3. Alex you need to cut back on the chronic.

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