Seattle Sportsnet

Editor’s note: Here’s what you’re missing out on by not listening to Karate Emergency.

On Tuesday’s taping of Episode XV, I will be reading this letter to open the show as my weekly Grumpy Out The Gate (GOTG, to the initiated). You’re getting a sneak preview for two reasons. One, it’s relevant to this very holiday. And two, if you like this, you’ll like our show. So read on and tune in when we post the podcast to this site, as well as 950KJR.com. Check it out.

Dear Fat Women With Bad Attitudes On Valentine’s Day,

We get it. You’re f**kin’ single.

We didn’t need to check your Facebook or your Twitter or (God forbid) your MySpace to figure this out. It was pretty easy to tell when you started being a dick to everyone as soon as you woke up this morning. That’s right. A dick. Everything you’ve done today is dickish. Like a guy would do, only in a higher, shriller octave.

Look. No one feels sorry for you. You’re fat. And you have a bad attitude. Maybe if you were just one of these things it’d be okay. Pleasantly plump but perky. Bitchy cutie with a booty. But no. You’re neither of these things. In fact, you’re the worst combination of these things. And that’s why our sympathy is lacking.

If you don’t know why you’re single, I’ll tell you. It’s because you’re fat and you have a bad attitude. I know. I already said that once, but it bears repeating. You probably aren’t told this enough, and that’s probably why this charade has carried on for as long as it has.

Maybe if you hit the gym once in a while or worked on your people skills things would take a turn for the better. It doesn’t hurt to get on a treadmill every now and then. It also doesn’t hurt to, you know, be nice.

You think any guy wants to get with you? Hell no. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there who are into bigger girls. But there are very few guys who are into bitchy girls. That’s just the way of the world.

You rarely hear guys crying about their single-ness. We figured out the answer long ago. It’s called porn. It never hurts your feelings, nor does it raid your refrigerator when it comes over. It’s just a dude on a chick, or a chick on a chick, or maybe two chicks on a dude, or even two dudes on a chick. The numbers don’t really matter. So long as there’s nudity and sex, we’re good.

You know there are starving children in Africa who have better attitudes than you? Yet here you are going to Old Country Buffet each week and putting away more than those kids consume in a month. All while yelling at the kitchen staff for not preparing it to your liking. Jerk.

You can get your hair done as often as you want. You can get your nails done as often as you want. You can shop at Dress Barn as often as you want. Whatever. It ain’t gonna change the fact that you’re mean and obese. Maybe put that money towards a personal trainer or a psychiatrist and you’ll get a date. I don’t know, just a suggestion.

Yes. It’s Valentine’s Day. And you’re single. This should come as no real surprise. Better luck next year. Put down the doughnut. Stop being rude to everyone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Start showing some kindness. Start getting your ass off the couch more. Do something nice for someone else. Don’t. Be. A. Dick.

Yours truly,

Society