To All The Fat Women With Bad Attitudes On Valentine’s Day

Editor’s note: Here’s what you’re missing out on by not listening to Karate Emergency.

On Tuesday’s taping of Episode XV, I will be reading this letter to open the show as my weekly Grumpy Out The Gate (GOTG, to the initiated). You’re getting a sneak preview for two reasons. One, it’s relevant to this very holiday. And two, if you like this, you’ll like our show. So read on and tune in when we post the podcast to this site, as well as 950KJR.com. Check it out.

Dear Fat Women With Bad Attitudes On Valentine’s Day,

We get it. You’re f**kin’ single.

We didn’t need to check your Facebook or your Twitter or (God forbid) your MySpace to figure this out. It was pretty easy to tell when you started being a dick to everyone as soon as you woke up this morning. That’s right. A dick. Everything you’ve done today is dickish. Like a guy would do, only in a higher, shriller octave.

Look. No one feels sorry for you. You’re fat. And you have a bad attitude. Maybe if you were just one of these things it’d be okay. Pleasantly plump but perky. Bitchy cutie with a booty. But no. You’re neither of these things. In fact, you’re the worst combination of these things. And that’s why our sympathy is lacking.

If you don’t know why you’re single, I’ll tell you. It’s because you’re fat and you have a bad attitude. I know. I already said that once, but it bears repeating. You probably aren’t told this enough, and that’s probably why this charade has carried on for as long as it has.

Maybe if you hit the gym once in a while or worked on your people skills things would take a turn for the better. It doesn’t hurt to get on a treadmill every now and then. It also doesn’t hurt to, you know, be nice.

You think any guy wants to get with you? Hell no. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there who are into bigger girls. But there are very few guys who are into bitchy girls. That’s just the way of the world.

You rarely hear guys crying about their single-ness. We figured out the answer long ago. It’s called porn. It never hurts your feelings, nor does it raid your refrigerator when it comes over. It’s just a dude on a chick, or a chick on a chick, or maybe two chicks on a dude, or even two dudes on a chick. The numbers don’t really matter. So long as there’s nudity and sex, we’re good.

You know there are starving children in Africa who have better attitudes than you? Yet here you are going to Old Country Buffet each week and putting away more than those kids consume in a month. All while yelling at the kitchen staff for not preparing it to your liking. Jerk.

You can get your hair done as often as you want. You can get your nails done as often as you want. You can shop at Dress Barn as often as you want. Whatever. It ain’t gonna change the fact that you’re mean and obese. Maybe put that money towards a personal trainer or a psychiatrist and you’ll get a date. I don’t know, just a suggestion.

Yes. It’s Valentine’s Day. And you’re single. This should come as no real surprise. Better luck next year. Put down the doughnut. Stop being rude to everyone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Start showing some kindness. Start getting your ass off the couch more. Do something nice for someone else. Don’t. Be. A. Dick.

Yours truly,

Society

 

6 responses

  1. This is beautiful. I almost became teary-eyed from the awesomeness. Alex, you should be fellatiated (not a word!?) by many.

  2. “You rarely hear guys crying about their single-ness.”

    Matt is a very rare guy.

  3. i like fat women

  4. fat women in seattle washington they are pear shape and sorry about that they eat to much and smoke/beer and talk like a man…i have no respect for a women that say;s bad word’s

  5. some fat women have no idea what life is about god made us to be good to or body…..and the health would be good for them i see fat women that are young and can’t even get out of the car they drive…..have handy cap in the mirrow…..you won’t have the handy cap in your car if you where not fat…..got so fat can’t take a shit on the pot……funny you not happy with life sounds like i like the rain in seattle
    bye women have a lonley single life

  6. In BC Canada, we used to have only beautiful women. Yes, we have some attractive babes left, but we now also have many fat pigs. Roughly 2/3 of women here are obese now. They waddle around stores, and have the worst attitudes. They often complain of how they cant find a nice, attractive, stable, financially secure guy. Well girls, the reason you can’t find that is because you are none of those things either. The majority of guys have no interest in fat women. Guys, no matter what you look like, as long as you are of normal weight, never accept a fat pig. I am an average guy, and of normal weight. I have been a PC tech for 11 years. Being a computer tech, I often get the nice guy/geek/pushover label. Many customers, and women in general, are quite surprised when they learn I wont put up with their garbage. Being a computer tech, I meet all sorts of people. I have had my share of fat women attempt to flirt with me. I do what everyone should. I turn them down immediately. I have no interest in fat women. Many of these fat pigs view techs as geeks, so they assume you will take on their fat rolls. They also assume that since you make a decent living that you will pay for things. No thanks, I have no interest in connecting my hard drive to your motherboard, you fatty.

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