There’s A Special Place In Hell For Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern

Oh hey, what do you know, it’s the NBA.

This is the third time that the NBA has kicked off a season without the Sonics, and every time it happens, a wound is opened in the middle of my heart.

Now we could sit here and reminisce about the good ol’ days if we wanted to. Talk about our childhood memories of Gus Williams and Jack Sikma, Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp, or for the younger fans, Vladimir Stepania and Jelani McCoy (heh), but why get all nostalgic like that?

Sure, there’s some benefit to reliving the glory years, no denying that. I just don’t know that I have the strength to do that right now. I don’t know that I can handle the misty-eyed reveries of moments gone by. And do you know why I can’t handle that? Because a trio of heartless bastards ripped out my soul and pissed on it. Of course, I’m referring to the three-headed f***-faced monster that is Howard Schlutz (typo intended), David Stern, and Clay Bennett.

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Dude, it’s been two-and-a-half years,  move on already.” Well you know what? I’ve got three words for you, two of which will need to be censored: F*** that sh*t.

That’s right, I said it. F*** that sh*t. You move on. I’ll move on at my leisure. If you think I’m ready to forget about the Seattle Supersonics after this short amount of time, you can take your thoughts and shove them right up Schlutz’s ass. There is NO WAY I’m getting over the hijacking of our basketball team at this point in my life. No freakin’ way.

I’ve heard a lot of hemming and hawing in the past few months. Hemming in that we’re starting to legitimize Oklahoma City as the home of the Thunder. Hawing in that we’re warming up to Stern’s talk of one day bringing a team back to the Emerald City. More hemming in that we’ve lost our disdain for Bennett and OKC. And even more hawing in that we’ve seemingly turned apathetic towards Schlutzy, himself.

Personally, I hate that sh*t.

First of all, the Oklahoma City Thunder are nothing. Nothing. They are the Seattle Supersonics in drag. They are our team in zombie costumes. That’s our f***ing team. The green and gold. Make no mistake about it. That’s our baby, abducted and raised by impostors. We should be on the backs of milk cartons right now. And Bennett needs to be in jail. For kidnapping, larceny, and first-degree murder. He slayed an entire fan base. And worse yet, got away with it.

Stern aided and abetted Bennett’s bitch-ass. And let me tell you something. There is nothing that kills me more than listening to that little poindexter prick patronize us with his empty, suggestive promises of one day returning the league to Seattle. Screw that. We don’t want your charity. We don’t want your bullshit. We just want our team back. And you can’t give that to us, so go jump off a cliff. Frumpy little gnome. Get out of here. Go take your operations to China or Europe or Antarctica for all we care. You talk about expanding around the globe, yet you can’t even keep your teams in their home cities. You’re a grandstander. A frontrunner. A paper lion. You’re weak sauce bottled up and diluted.

Finally, we have Schlutz. Schlutz the putz. Dude does not deserve to breathe the same air that the rest of us breathe. He does not deserve to walk the same earth that the rest of us walk. Every time this guy sets foot outside his home, Nickelodeon Gak should rain down from the heavens and cover him in green ooze. He is an embarrassment to humanity. A sellout in every sense of the term. He quit on the Sonics, he quit on the fans, he quit on the city of Seattle, he destroyed a legacy. Never forget what this Benedict Arnold did to us. He’s the anti-Christ. This man is Satan with greasy, slicked-back hair. I will never, ever, ever forgive him. And neither should you.

Let me be frank with you for a minute. I’m a pretty tolerant individual. I like most people. I get along with most people. I don’t dislike too many folks, and I certainly don’t hate much of anything. Hate is a strong word. It implies never-ending disdain.

But the feelings I have for Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern cannot be characterized in any other manner. There are only three people in this world that I really, truly hate. And these are the three. Burn in hell, murderers.

21 responses

  1. Its like you wrote that straight from my heart.

    My fantasy b-ball team is KillClayBennett. I would like to kill all 3 of them, but that one had the best ring to it. I joined this year for the first time with my boss’s league. It will be the first time since they left that I will actually somewhat pay attention to the NBA. I hate them like Ray Finkle hates Dan Marino.

  2. Laces out, Clay Clay!

  3. the1andOnlyPete

    Who is this OKC team you speak of? I only know of “The Team Who Shall Not Be Named”. People are going to say get over it but thats bull! This was our team, they run off this thing that we didnt support them, bull. We didnt support some two-bit cattle rustling snake charmer that tried to bend over Seattle with a bum deal. I hate this team that is reaping the benefits that Seattle fans suffered through as the team was stripped and sold in attempts to crush the Seattle fans.
    Screw the NBA. I hope they go on strike, more stars decide to band together like the Heat and crush all small market teams and destroy the league.

  4. Word.

    A local friend of mine commented on her Facebook that she missed the NBA. My response was that the NBA is dead to me until the day that David Stern’s heart burned in hell. I didn’t even bother to mention Schlutz or Clay-Clay. And this was a day before you posted this.

  5. Nicole Zaloumis

    How do you like the 2-hole?

  6. This was beautiful. But I second TheOneAndOnlyPete; it’s either “The Team Who Shall Not Be Named” or the “Thunder”.

  7. It’s sad hearing that the NBA is considering cutting back a few of the unprofitable teams over giving Seattle back a team… The Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, Milwaukee Bucks, Indiana Pacers, Atlanta Hawks and Charlotte Bobcats are all on the cutting block due to the amount of money lost, yet Stern has not even considered giving Seattle back a team.

  8. SUPER

    SONICS!

  9. Chart Toppin' Man

    Great write-up. I call them “The Plunder.” I think that says it all.

  10. The word of the Lord. Thanks be to Alex.

  11. AMEN. Thank you, Alex, for speaking on our behalf. We won’t get over it, and we won’t be silenced until it’s made right… those scumbags should be held accountable for their actions. Until then, we have voices like yours to thank so that they won’t get away with kidnapping OUR team.

  12. *applause*

    Here’s to more referee scandals and thuggery in that joke of a league.

  13. Did I ever mention that I have really great readers?

    I have really great readers.

  14. The “pardon my french” segment of Karate Emergency cracked me up. Put so bluntly, yet so correctly.

  15. Alex, I agree with you. Before the sonics left, I had season tickets for my whole life. Now who am I left to root for? The Lakers? Please, I still bleed Green and Gold. It’s my goal one day to bring back the Super Sonics to the city of Seattle. Whether it means somehow getting extremely rich (Which I wouldn’t mind) and buying a team for the city, or becoming a politician (Governor anyone?), getting Seattle a team, make people realize who the enemies are like the $h!t head David Stern, and restoring what is rightfully ours.
    Good post, thanks for reminding me why Seattle still deserves a team. It’s not just me who is still up in arms about this.

  16. It was a scripted coup. Nothing more, nothing less. I already was calling little imature boy coffee dude hewhoshouldnotbenamed. Might as well include the other two script writers and call all of them Hewhoshouldnotbenamed cubed

  17. For 2 years I felt like I had my arms up in the air, palms up, wondering what the crap was going on with my team as they were slowly and painfully being torn away from us. We got screwed in the worst kind of way with little, if anything, we could do to stop it. I know most people like to blame Shlutz and Bennett, but to me the greasy little toad Stern is the one I’d like to spew the most venom on. He had the power to resolve some of our problems and show some reason but he chose to allow his failed vision of a business model run the principles in the matter, and let the little people, the one’s who make his NBA work, get walked all over. Schlutz was an idiot who believed the fat buffoon, Bennett. And it was Stern who let fatty Bennett get away with it.

  18. Interesting Essay. And, just out of curiousity, how do you feel about Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern?

  19. Interesting Essay. And, just out of curiousity, how do you feel about Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern?

  20. Man, reading this was like reading my own thoughts! Did i right this exact piece at some point….? Every NBA season makes me sick. All I have left of the Seattle Supersonics are memories of going with my dad when I was little at The Coliseum, and going to Sonics games on dates in high school and junior high every chance I could get. I moved to San Diego for 8 years but returned to Seattle just in time for the last season of Sonics basketball and went to every game I could make it to. Sat in the nosebleeds for the for the last Portland game and had a blast! haven’t watched one nba game since they were stolen aside from maybe one or two championship games. One of my good friends loves watching the nba still and I just don’t get it. I refuse! The NBA is and will continue to be dead to me until david stern is burning in his rightful place in HELL! One other person I hate, or should I say people, are these smug ass plunder fans that act like they just can’t understand why we would be so upset and say that it was our (the fans) fault that the team left because we didn’t support them. To all you ignorant F*** A** plunder fans out there you know what to do. On a side note, I loved the Sonics fans showing up to the portland game! Keep it up guys!

  21. [...] There’s A Special Place In Hell For Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern (10/27/10) [...]

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