At least the Mariners don’t have to worry about half-naked hermaphrodites running through their clubhouse at all hours of the day. That’s what happened in New York, where Lady Gaga steamrolled her way into the Yankees’ dressing room following a loss on Sunday afternoon. Sources indicate that the pop star was wearing a bra, underpants, a baseball jersey and little else at the time. Apparently, she started chatting up second baseman Robinson Cano, who said afterwards that, “She can sing, I’ll tell you that.” Yeah, Robinson. I hear she has a real nice baritone.
The closest thing to Lady Gaga in the M’s locker room is FSN reporter Jen Mueller, who has two sweater pillows but likely no penis. I mean, as far we can tell. I don’t want to overstep my bounds in assuming things. (And for the record, if you missed Jen’s interview with comedian Joel McHale during Friday night’s broadcast, you need to find it and you need to watch it. It’s hilarious.)
Ambiguous body parts aside, the hometown nine is doing their very best right now to attract international music stars to Safeco Field by at least attempting to become relevant once again. They’ve taken four games in a row, including a three-game sweep of the NL Central-leading Cincinnati Reds.
Sunday’s finale was won by none other than Ryan Rowland-Smith (Nolan Ryan-Smith), who prior to shutting out the Reds through six innings had been every hitter’s bitch in Major League Baseball. If his ERA of over 6.00 entering the game was no indication, perhaps it was the opponent’s batting average of .303 that would have clued you in.
But none of that mattered on Father’s Day, as The Hyphen finally showed up to play baseball and didn’t look half bad. The southpaw scattered three hits and struck out two in his six innings of work. He did, however, walk five batters and throw 106 pitches.
The bullpen managed to hold the lead over the final three frames, as Brandon League recorded two scoreless innings and David Aardsma worked a one-two-three ninth for his fifteenth save. Mariners pitchers allowed just one run (by Felix Hernandez, no less) in three games against Cincinnati.
At 28-41, the M’s are still ridiculously buried in last place in the American League Western Division. They sit 13 games back of first-place Texas and are a distant five games behind third-place Oakland. To even fathom a run at the postseason, this team would have to go post-Winstrol Brady Anderson on the rest of the league over the course of the next few weeks. I’m talking a huge explosion. The kind that no one ever sees coming. Like, for instance, Anderson’s 50-homer 1996 campaign that more or less typified the steroid era. Yes, I just linked Brady Anderson to performance-enhancing drugs. I don’t feel bad about it. He juiced. It’s no surprise.
So what happens to the Mariners now?
Thank goodness they still have three more games against National League competition. The Cubs come to town for three games, and if this weekend’s series was any indication, the M’s should tear Lou Piniella’s team to shreds. Is it any wonder that the Mariners could be one hell of a National League ballclub?
The Cubbies will be running former Mariner and current Cy Young contender (only half-kidding about that) Carlos Silva out to the mound on Thursday. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to see the M’s rip that guy a new one. I hope Milton Bradley goes 4-for-4 off Silva with four dingers. I wish I had the day off work so I could go down to the ballpark and boo Silva’s ass back to the buffet line. I hate that guy. I don’t hate many things, but I do hate Carlos Silva. Hell, if we could only win one more game on the entire year, I would hope it’d be that one. Yeah, I’m not letting this go. I need to calm down. Somebody get Lady Gaga’s weird-looking, half-naked behind in there to mess with Silva. That would be classic. Like a fat guy in a little coat riding a tricycle. Hell yeah.