Eliezer Alfonzo: The Best Player In The History of the World

Is Eliezer Alfonzo the best baseball player in the history of the world? The answer of course is yes, he is.

Alfonzo, a 31-year-old journeyman backup catcher who has had his skills squandered by foolish organizations in the past, is finally getting the opportunity to threaten every batting record ever after two games with the Seattle Mariners.

The second-cousin of less-talented former big league infielder Edgardo Alfonzo, Eliezer Alfonzo has supplanted Ichiro Suzuki as the most prolific hitter on the Mariners’ roster. His .556 batting average is tops among major leaguers with at least nine at-bats.

Alfonzo, at one-time a star in the independent Northern League, began the 2010 season with the Mariners’ Triple-A affiliate, the Tacoma Rainiers. Recognizing the portly backstop’s other-worldly abilities, an astute front office decided to promote the future Hall of Famer after injuries sidelined catchers Adam Moore and Josh Bard. Alfonzo responded to his call-up by going 3-5 with a home run, four RBI, and two runs scored in his first game with the M’s.

Though Alfonzo was originally signed by Seattle as a minor league free agent following the ’09 campaign, ESPN currently lists his 2010 salary as “N/A.” The team is reportedly paying their new starting catcher through the security of a Swiss bank account.

A secret agent in the offseason, Alfonzo spends his winters hunting pirates off the South African coast. In his spare time, he enjoys dominating opponents on Street Fighter II while playing as Zangief (impossible, you say), breeding unicorns, and sleeping with Chuck Norris’s wife while Chuck reluctantly watches off to the side.

In spite of his recent successes, the Mariners are rumored to be in talks with the San Francisco Giants and St. Louis Cardinals regarding a deal that would bring Tim Lincecum and Albert Pujols to Seattle. The Giants and Cardinals would then split the services of Alfonzo over the 162-game regular season. Diehard M’s fans have already created a petition to ban any such move.

Destined to replace Babe Ruth and Ted Williams among the all-time greats of the game, Alfonzo now awaits the only accomplishment he has yet to achieve: getting his own bobblehead night.

4 responses

  1. This is wonderful.

    I do take exception to your line on Zangief; he was always a warrior for me in Street Fighter.

  2. BRILLIANT! This piece had me fuckin dyin!

  3. I am counting the days until Wakumatsu refers to him in his post-game press conference in the clubhouse as “Fonzie”.

  4. […] runs in his first start after getting called up in June. Had two hits in his second game, inspiring this inspired blog post. Hit .167 in his next 12 starts, was DFA’d, and is now playing in […]

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