Even Jesus couldn't save us.
Up until now, unless your name was Eric Byrnes, your job in the Mariners’ organization was safe.
Blow a five-run lead? Safe.
Hit .190? Safe.
Own an ERA over 7.00? Safe.
That all changed on Monday night when finally — FINALLY — the M’s front office made some moves that resulted in players losing their jobs.
Relief pitchers Kanekoa Texeira and Jesus Colome were designated for assignment by the club, all but ending their brief and erratic tenures with the team. Both right-handers appeared in Sunday’s game against the Los Angeles Angels, in which the bullpen was responsible for blowing a five-run Mariners lead.
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Is Howard Schultz, coffee magnate and former Sonics owner, responsible for the release of ex-Seahawks running back LenDale White? Some people say yes, he is.
One individual close to the situation — a small-business entrepreneur by the name of Bob A. Fett — has revealed to Seattle Sportsnet that it was Schultz who provided White with the drugs he is now rumored to have ingested, thus leading to his departure on Friday from the Seahawks organization. Fett, a self-proclaimed giant of the head-hunting industry, speaks no English. He communicated this information to us through a translator fluent in Fett’s native language of Mandalorian.
Though it remains unclear why a man who has caused so much harm to the city of Seattle would begin attacking local athletes, we can only speculate that Schultz is attempting to cover up the bad P.R. of a recent promotional stunt gone horribly awry.
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Over the past couple weeks, Starbucks has been promoting a “We Love You Seattle” giveaway campaign on Facebook in which customers can enter any Seattle-area Starbucks location during specified times and days and get free tickets to local events. Last week, the Seattle-based company gave away Mariners tickets. This week it was passes to the Seattle International Film Festival.
What should have been a good-spirited promotion for Howard Schultz’s coffee company got ugly in recent days as the event page turned into a forum for Sonics fans to vent their frustrations. For those of you who aren’t aware, the now-defunct Sonics were once property of Schultz, who ultimately sold the team up the river to Oklahoma millionaire Clay Bennett, who then made off with his property to Oklahoma City. While fans would relish the chance to kick Bennett squarely in the gonads, they’d just as soon take a shot at Schultz’s balls if given the opportunity.
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So there’s this dude, Phil Rogers, and he happens to be a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. A few days ago, he penned this article declaring Mariners’ right fielder Ichiro Suzuki to be the most overrated hitter in baseball. Why he cares so much about a player and a team situated 2,000 miles away from his coverage area is beyond me, but obviously this is Phil Rogers’ world and the rest of us are just living in it.
Let me start by saying that Ichiro is overrated to a degree. He is. A lot of that has to do with the advent of fantasy baseball (where a player in real life is only as good as his fantasy value), as well as Ichiro’s rock-star stigma. His international following helps, as do his nine All-Star appearances, nine Gold Gloves, and an MVP award. While he possesses numerous accolades, he is, for all accounts and purposes, a great player with a larger-than-life aura. He’s good, he’s just not as good as perception would indicate.
But the most overrated hitter in the game?
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In recent days, I’ve found myself poking and prodding at the subject of our struggling baseball team. I’ve written little articles here and there hinting at my irritation, while feebly attempting to remain semi-objective in my criticism of the ballclub. The lingering negativity surrounding this last-place team has stagnated to the point where multiple articles and day after day of considering and re-considering my positions on various topics about the Mariners have brought me to the point of emotional destruction.
So enough is enough. It’s time to let it all out in one gigantic rant. After this, I’ll do my best to ignore what our hometown nine is doing to bring us down. Until I have something positive to say, I won’t say much at all. Or at least that’s the plan. We’ll see what happens. For now, I give you this explosion of frustration. Enjoy it.
Where to begin?
We could start with the struggling offense, or the ugly defense, or the crap attempt to make this team better in the offseason, or even Casey Kotchman, my new least favorite Mariner of all-time.
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One lucky fan showing off his Ichiro-designed underwear.
The Mariners marketing staff is pretty good, but they always leave out a few giveaways that we could all enjoy. Here are 11 new promotions that would put butts in Safeco Field’s empty seats.
11. Rob Johnson Three-Quarter Mitt Night
Remember those cheap-o imitation leather mitts the M’s used to giveaway when you were a kid? This is kind of like that, except you only get three-quarters of a glove. Everything but the webbing. Just like the catcher’s mitt that Rob uses.
10. Ichiro-Designed Underwear Night
The Ichiro-Designed T-Shirt Night was a huge success, so it’s about time the M’s moved onto different types of apparel, such as underwear. Enjoy your mesh, leopard-print banana sling, Mariners fans.
9. Willie Bloomquist Senior T-Shirt Day
What better way to honor senior citizens than by handing out Willie Bloomquist t-shirts? Like Frederick & Nelson, soda fountains, and record players, Bloomquist is just another one of those things that old folks can’t understand is gone.
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Frame it: Rob Johnson getting a hit.
Question: If someone walked on the field and put a bullet in Rob Johnson’s head, would anyone stop them?
Answer: It wouldn’t matter. The bullet would just get past him anyways.
This question was posed to me via text message yesterday by my friend Pete, right after Johnson had allowed yet another passed ball. He currently leads the majors with six of those, more than double his closest competition (three players tied with three PBs, including his teammate, Adam Moore).
Worse yet, Johnson has been on the receiving end of 11 wild pitches, as opposed to just four for the entire 2009 season. Technically, blame for that statistic lies on the pitchers. But with such a huge gap between last year’s numbers and this year’s numbers, it’s hard not to point the finger at Johnson.
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For those of you who haven’t heard, former big league pitcher Jose Lima has passed away at age 37, the result of an apparent heart attack.
Lima was perhaps one of the most intriguing characters of baseball’s most recent generation. A right-handed starting pitcher who possessed a none-too-overpowering fastball, Lima was a passionate representative of the game who was known for his antics off the field and emotion on it.
The Dominican Republic native burst onto the scene in the late ’90s with the Houston Astros. Over a two-year span from 1998 to 1999, Lima posted a 37-18 record, maintained a 3.64 cumulative ERA, and struck out 356 batters. He also made his one and only All-Star appearance in ’99.
In the following years, Lima would never come close to producing those numbers again, and as a result he bounced around from team to team. Over the course of his 13-year major league career, Lima pitched for the Detroit Tigers on three separate occasions; the Astros for two stints; the Kansas City Royals for two stints; the Los Angeles Dodgers; and the New York Mets. Perhaps it was a testament to his personality that three of the teams he played with invited him back for a second (or in the case of Detroit, third) go-round with the organization.
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Did you know that “Mike Sweeney” sounds a lot like “Mike’s Weenie?” Well now you do. Enjoy that.
Anyways, in case you missed Friday night’s M’s game, the Mariners went off like Oliver Miller at Old Country Buffet. They erupted for 15 runs, and at the forefront of that eruption was Mike’s Weenie, himself.
Sweeney, Official Giver of Hugs, raised his batting average 50 points — from .226 to .276 — with a 4-for-5 performance that included two home runs, six RBI, and two runs scored. The six RBI nearly doubled his season production up to this point (he had seven RBI entering Friday).
Of course, by now, we have to wonder what the hell has gotten into this guy.
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As a fan of the Washington Huskies, I want to be the first to congratulate Terrence Jones and the Kentucky Wildcats on their impending 2011 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship. Winning a title in any sport is no small achievement, but when you’re a team of destiny, it’s simply not in the cards to fail.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, where’s the punch line? Where’s the anger? Where’s the fire? You should be upset over Jones’ de-commitment to UW. You should be chastising Kentucky head coach John Calipari for his shady recruitment of the 18-year-old Portland native.
Please. Sour grapes aren’t my fruit of choice. In fact, I prefer pineapple, but that’s neither here nor there.
No, it’s all about being the bigger man, and here at Washington, we pride ourselves on bigger men. Just ask the ladies.
And while Kentucky fans may be content to start a verbal jihad with their newfound rival to the west, we won’t go there, because that’s not us.
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It’s been quite a while since I’ve taken some time off from this site, and with a million different things going on that demand my attention these days, now seems as good a time as any to take a break. On top of that, there haven’t been too many positives to discuss on the local sports landscape, and negativity gets old fast.
So Seattle Sportsnet will be away for a few days, but rest assured we’ll be back. While we’re gone, take some time to visit some of our partner sites or revisit some of the articles from the past. It’ll be like looking through your high school yearbook, only not quite as awkward.
Here’s hoping the M’s sweep the homestand and Terrence Jones signs with Washington!
Because the first three weren’t enough.
Step One: Put Ryan Rowland-Smith on a raft and send him out to sea.
Rowland-Smith originally hails from Australia. If Mother Nature is just, the Mariners’ 27-year-old lefthander will at some point arrive back in his homeland. But if not, who cares.
RRS is an absolute abomination right now. His initials stand for “Really, Really Sucky.” He can’t pitch to save his life.
Monday night Rowland-Smith got shelled by the Oakland A’s (2.2 IP, 7 ER, 10 H), which is akin to having one’s butt kicked by a fourth grade cub scout. The Aussie had been teetering on the edge of crappiness all year long, however, and his latest implosion was probably enough to force the organization’s hand.
Rowland-Smith certainly doesn’t deserve to start games any longer. Were he left with any minor league options, he’d almost certainly be on his way to Tacoma this morning. But because he can’t simply be optioned down to the farm, the Mariners would have to designate the southpaw for assignment if they wanted him off the 25-man roster. In designating Rowland-Smith, the M’s would risk losing him to another ballclub. Which honestly doesn’t scare me at all right now (but understandably scares an organization who has invested two commercials in the guy in the past two years).
In all likelihood, Rowland-Smith will be sent to the bullpen to work through his struggles while attempting to help the big club. That probably means a guy like Ian Snell finds his way to the rotation, or a middle reliever gets sent down while a guy like Luke French or Steven Shell gets called up.
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Brandon League: This is my nightmare.
Don’t worry, sports fans. Together, we can fix our lowly Mariners. I’ve come up with three unique ideas that should provide an immediate lift. Enjoy.
Step One: Put Brandon League on a raft and send him out to sea
League originally hails from Hawaii. If Mother Nature is just, the Mariners’ 27-year-old setup man will at some point arrive back in his homeland. But if not, who cares.
All that really matters is that somebody put a stop to this man with the bad haircut.
League is the most ineffective effective reliever since Bobby Ayala. By ineffective effective, I mean a guy whose numbers suggest he’s not horrible, but whose performances would indicate otherwise.
Every time League enters a close game, I get that jittery feeling I used to only get with Ayala (and Heathcliff Slocumb, on occasion). You just know in those nail-biting situations that League will blow it. He tends to inflate his numbers in games that are already won or lost, making him a hell of a guy to go to in low-pressure situations.
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About a year ago, I was working in the athletic shoe department at Nordstrom when Freddie Ljungberg walked in the store. I knew it was Freddie Ljungberg by his smoking hot girlfriend. Because let’s face it, when you’re a dude who stands roughly 5’8″, it doesn’t matter how good you look, you need big money to pull a girl like the one he had with him.
Admittedly, I’m not a huge soccer fan, so I didn’t strike up a conversation with Ljungberg about the international game. Instead, we talked about Nike. Nike shoes, Nike apparel, the company itself. His girlfriend was trying on Nike Air Maxes. It made sense.
The more we talked, the more I came to the conclusion that Ljungberg was one of the coolest athletes I’d ever met. The dude could carry on a conversation, seemed genuinely interested in what we were talking about, and had zero attitude about him whatsoever. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t want to talk with him about his job (soccer fans can be a little passionate around their heroes, from what I hear), or maybe he’s like that with everyone. Either way, he was a nice guy.
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Because it’s never too early to hand out progress reports.
*Editor’s note: The following list only applies to players who have logged Major League service time thus far in 2010. Likewise, players who were re-signed to contracts (i.e. Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Sweeney, etc.) are not considered. This report card is solely designed to assess the play of new offseason acquisitions.
Player: Milton Bradley
How acquired: Via trade with the Chicago Cubs, in exchange for pitcher Carlos Silva.
2010 salary: $11,000,000
Grade: D-
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