The Rick Reilly Buddha Files

A moment-by-moment analysis of Tiger Woods’ oral recital.

“Good morning, and thank you for joining me.”

A pleasant beginning, but we’re not here for tea, Tiger. Perhaps we should be thanking you for joining the rest of us after your three-month hibernation. You’re like a grizzly bear in that way.

“Many of you in this room…”

Fill in the blank.

…have sexted me.

…have seen my Blasian side.

…have tag-teamed strippers with me.

…can go f*ck yourselves. That’s the one he was really thinking.

Staring the world down

I was moved when Tiger stared deep into the soul of the camera as he addressed Elin. I was not moved the second time he did it. Nor the third. Nor the many other times after that. I am not your secret lover.

Charity

Ah, the discussion of charity. A calculated diversion from the task at hand. Strong P.R. move.

The baldness

Tiger is dramatically thinning on top.

The boring middle

I don’t know what you’re saying anymore, Tiger. You’re rambling, and you made my dog fall asleep.

Performance-enhancing drugs

Tiger, the only PED that anyone has ever linked you to is Extenze. You had to impress these girls somehow. Beyond that, it’s all natural, all Tiger.

Buddha

The original Buddha man

Is Pedro Cerrano in the room? Why are we discussing Buddha? Is Jobu next? Can you hit a curve?

Raising your voice

Tiger is yelling. About his family being stalked. About questions being asked. All sorts of things. About Elin. About abuse. About sex rehab. This is getting out of hand. When does the headliner come on stage?

“Believe in me”

You have to hand it to Tiger. That closing remark was like a Counting Crows song.

Tiger’s mom

Not a MILF. Looks mad. Kinda resembles the guy who runs North Korea.

The white ladies in the front row

Did he sleep with them? Are they Elin’s family? What’s the deal here?

The bro-shug

Did Tiger hire these guys to be his bros? Or are they just hanging on because he’s Tiger?

Notah Begay

The only golfer whose name is also a complete sentence.

The exit

Tiger has disappeared through the wizard’s sleeve. He is departed. We await the encore now.

The post-game

Rick Reilly is gushing. Absolutely gushing. Down on his knees for Tiger. Will do anything for Tiger right now. Is preparing to bear Tiger’s children. Is changing into his “I ♥ Tiger” t-shirt. Jumping up and down screaming Tiger’s name. Possibly getting into bed with Tiger later tonight.

The aftermath

And now we wait…

One response

  1. Really Alex, Oral recital wouldn’t Verbal recital be a better use of words come on the Guys in sex rehab for crying out loud!

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