Noting the vast similarities between the guidos and guidettes of MTV’s Jersey Shore and the members of the Washington Huskies men’s basketball team, we’ve taken the liberty of re-casting the reality series with some purple-and-gold ballers who you’re sure to recognize. Enjoy.
Guido No. 1: Isaiah “The Situation” Thomas
Determined to be the center of attention, The Situation is all about looking out for number one. Or perhaps in Thomas’ case, No. 2.
Able to blend a certain amount of charm with his me-first attitude is what makes The Situation special. Yeah, he’s a little cocky. But he’s also entertaining and, to a certain degree, likable.
The Situation is all about keeping it real, no matter the situation, and his personality attracts all sorts of followers. Guys want to be him, girls want to be with him. And make no mistake about it, pulling girls is what The Situation does best. They might not all be 10s, but you multiply five by two and you get the same number in the end.
Guido No. 2: Quincy “Pauly D.” Pondexter
The perfect wingman, Pauly D. complements his main man The Situation with remarkable aplomb.
Willing to sacrifice for the good of the team, Pauly D. does what it takes to make everyone happy. Yeah, he’s got a little attitude to him at times, but more often than not he’s just a decent guy who does the right thing.
Setting up The Situation is what Pauly D. does best, and in turn, he gets his share of girls along the way.
The difference between The Situation and Pauly D. is efficiency. The Situation might turn out 10 girls in a week, while Pauly D. ends up with only two or three. Those two or three girls that Pauly D. gets, however, are all about quality. And you have to appreciate that.
Guido No. 3: Tyreese “Ronnie” Breshers
The enforcer of the group, Ronnie is a muscular guy with a relative heart of gold. Sure, he might punch you out, but the next day, he’ll feel pretty bad about doing so.
When you meet Ronnie, you get the impression he’s a tough guy, the ultimate man’s man. But after removing a few layers, you find out he’s as sensitive as he is big, avoiding the limelight surrounding The Situation and Pauly D. in the process.
Unlike his guido counterparts, Ronnie lands a full-time girlfriend (Sammi Sweetheart) and never strays from his commitment to her. He goes to jail for her, defends her honor time and again, and walks away a happier man because of it.
Guido No. 4: Abdul “Vinny” Gaddy
The forgotten man amongst the guidos, Vinny strives to be a part of the group unlike anyone else.
He doesn’t possess the physique of a guy like Ronnie, nor the magical ability to get girls like The Situation, so instead he’s simply caught in the middle.
Vinny hangs with the boys, but is just as content spending time with the girls. He parties, but doesn’t always take the party home with him.
When it’s all said and done, Vinny is arguably the most balanced of the group, doing what he needs to do to get attention here and there, but never going out of his way to stand out.
Guidette No. 1: Venoy “Snooki” Overton
An undersized pest with annoying habits, Snooki is a feisty ball of fire that, like it or not, is the focal point of every scene she enters.
A drama queen to the fullest, Snooki spends her days and nights searching for a “nice guy,” someone to “settle down” with. And when those types of individuals never materialize, she gets angry.
Completely off the chain when it comes to her personality, Snooki is up, then down, then up again, then down again, and basically just all over the place. It takes an energetic human being to live up to Snooki’s good name, and if Venoy Overton isn’t just that, then I don’t know who is.
Guidette No. 2: Elston “Sammi Sweetheart” Turner
In the words of one reader, Sammi “looks good, but can be more trouble than she’s worth.” A perfect description.
Out of all the girls in the shore house, Sammi is by far the most attractive. A former college soccer player, Sammi is the prototype when it comes to athletic beauty.
After she settles into a relationship with Ronnie, however, we start to see how much trouble the Sweetheart can truly be.
Sammi’s attitude gets Ronnie into more than one physical altercation, and even manages to land him in prison. Instead of standing beside her man, who defends Sammi’s name to the utmost degree, Sweetheart usually turns bitchy and cusses Ronnie out for fighting. What’s up with that?!
Sammi holds a ton of promise, but needs to work on her attitude a bit in order to be the complete package. Something Elston Turner can relate to.
Guidette No. 3: Justin “JWoww” Holiday
The thing about JWoww is you tend to forget she’s there until sh*t goes down and she’s right in the middle of it. “How the hell did this happen?” you think.
A quiet aggressor, JWoww avoids the spotlight and lets others do most of the talking. She’s content being one of the group and simply fitting in where needed.
And yet when the tension escalates, there’s JWoww, punching somebody in the face, being held back by her friends, or just generally about to kill somebody unexpectedly.
She’s not so much an enigma as she is a loyalist, ready and willing to do whatever it takes to carve out her role on the team. She’ll stand up for anyone in the shore house and places her closet friends above everyone else, no matter the terms of their current relationship.
In the end, JWoww is the ultimate teammate, the glue that holds this squad together.
Guidette No. 4: Matthew “Angelina” Bryan-Amaning
What can you say about Angelina?
Well, for starters, she barely exists. Gone three episodes into the season after a) getting into a fight with her boyfriend back home and then b) getting fired from her job at the t-shirt shop, sparking her eviction, Angelina was barely present long enough for us to get to know her.
She was the self-proclaimed “Kim Kardashian” of the shore house because of her all-natural good looks and whatnot, but by the end she was a punch line and nothing more.
Perhaps her greatest ability was disappearing without a trace, which is what Angelina was ultimately known for when Jersey Shore came to its conclusion.