Witty Guy Seeks Employment

Here at Seattle Sportsnet, most of our time on this website is devoted to you, the fans. We write for the fans, on behalf of the fans, and wouldn’t you know it, we’re fans too. That’s just how we roll.

But sometimes, we need to abuse this coveted space for some shameless self-promotion, and that is what we are here to do today.

You see, as the creator of this fine institution, I am blessed with the ability to carry out my ideal hobby in writing publicly for all of you. And I stress hobby, because I barely get paid to do this. Which is fine, because this has never been viewed by me, nor anyone else, as a money-making venture. Every penny I take in because of this website is strictly a bonus, and it will always be that way.

But there comes a time in every man’s life when he needs a job. Not a hobby. Not a part-time affair. A real job. For me, that time is now.

As a University of Washington alumnus with eight-years of sales and management experience, two years professional journalism experience, and 14 months of running this website, I would argue that I am qualified to do almost any job known to man. I could run the Detroit Lions, or close big money deals, or perhaps sit at a desk and file TPS reports. Fact is, I’m very versatile. Like Willie Bloomquist, only way more productive.

That is why I come to all of you now — as my associates, my connections, my readers, my fans — seeking employment. Because you need me, and I need you. We need each other.

Here is a list of questions one might ask themselves in considering me for a position:

Q: If I hire you, will Seattle Sportsnet stop entertaining me on a regular basis?

A: No. SSN is a fantastic hobby that I believe can be accomodated to any job that pays in the five-figure range. However, if you’re willing to pay me six-figures, well then the fate of SSN is up to you. Because we all have our breaking points.

Q: If I hire you, will you entertain me at work?

A: You bet. Look, I’m not gonna lie. I’m a fun guy to be around. I can make you laugh. I know a lot about sports. I own lots of leather-bound books. I will make life more enjoyable for you, and I’ll do it with a smile. Now you could go hire some hot chick with zero personality, or an ugly chick with lots of personality, or a pencil-pushing no-fun lackey, or even a guy who kind of knows about sports but not really, but why do that to yourself? The real deal is right here. Holler if you hear me (that’s my SportsCenter catch phrase, if I ever end up on SportsCenter).

Q: If I hire you, will you take me to ballgames and drink beer with me?

A: Most definitely. I have a number of ticket hookups throughout the greater Seattle area and would be more than willing to take you to a game. On top of that, I enjoy a good adult beverage every now and then and would love to chat with you about life while indulging in one of those beverages. We could be friends, in spite of the fact that our friendship would be based on money and a dependence on my working with you professionally, which sounds really awkward, but isn’t (at least to me).

Q: If I hire you, will you be my wingman?

A: Certainly. As a slightly overweight but still decent-enough-looking 25-year-old in a committed relationship, I’d love to help you get laid. Not only am I awesome at promoting your finer points (“No, are you kidding?! That’s not a rash. That’s a burn mark he suffered while saving the lives of children from a burning orphanage!”), but I also have an extended social network of people who would be willing to date you, as well as this public forum with which to advertise you as the engaging physical specimen that you are. I also have over 2,200 Facebook friends, many of whom are hot. So yeah, I’m kind of a big deal.

Q: If I hire you, will you work hard?

A: As an example of my hard work, I give you this website. Almost all of the content on this site — 99% of the articles — is written and edited by me. The layout and design is maintained by me. The paid advertisements are negotiated by me. The promotion of this site as a whole is conducted by me. The emails are answered by me. The complaints heard by me, and the compliments received by me (okay, that part isn’t very hard). If I’m willing to work this hard for free, imagine what I’d do for cash. Yes…even that.

Q: If I hire you, will you let me publish things on this site?

A: Maybe. That’s dependent on pay.

So there you have it. A comprehensive list of FAQs. You need not worry about the services I can provide, because I am a bona fide service provider.

I’d like to thank you for reading this piece, and if you’d like more information on who I am and what it is I’m capable of doing, please don’t hesitate to email me with your inquiries.

Sincerely,

Alex Akita

Creator/Editor/Writer/Advertising Executive/Grand Champion

SeattleSportsnet.com

3 responses

  1. The1andonly Pete

    You sold out Alex, the Honkies are saddened by this

  2. I wouldn’t call it selling out. I’d call it advancing myself to the front of the employment line.

  3. Alex,

    What do you want to do? I am in technology sales. Does that like something you would want to do?

    Send me an e-mail with a phone number and I will give you a call.

    Husky Charlie

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