Back in the United States after an eight-day trip to the Caribbean. Hanging out in South Carolina for the next week before returning to Seattle after Christmas.
And in other news, I just found out we traded Carlos Silva for Milton Bradley and now need to buy Jack Zduriencik lunch. I’ll wait my turn behind the M’s chef, who likely had his workload cut in half with Silva’s departure.
Man, what a week. And I wasn’t even in the area to be a part of it. First Chone Figgins, then Cliff Lee, and now the departure of Silva and subsequent arrival of Milton Bradley.
I’ll admit I’ve never thought much of Milton Bradley. He has a reputation as a troublemaker and has been inconsistent as all hell throughout his career. But damn if I don’t love him like a son today. I feel like Randy Quaid and his buddies in Major League II. You know, when the Indians sign Jack Parkman before the season starts. One of those guys admits to hating Parkman prior to the team acquiring him, then professes his newfound love for the catcher as a result of his uniform change. That’s basically how I feel about Milton Bradley now.
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I don’t care who you are. If you didn’t get at least a little excited when Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount socked Boise State’s Byron Hout in the face, you’re not human.
The LeGarrette Punch was absolutely the greatest sports moment of 2009, made even better for those of us living in the great state of Washington. Watching a Duck bastard go apesh*t on a beyotch Bronco is akin to witnessing Saddam Hussain beat up Osama bin Laden. Two figures of our loathing attempting to cancel each other out. Fantastic.
Everything about that moment was perfect. The crap-eating grin on Hout’s face as he talked a little smack. The slightly delayed reaction from Blount. The cold-cocked shot to the grill. The look of pure horror from Hout as he was being drilled. The reaction from Blount as he backed away, practically hopping up and down. The reaction from the surrounding group of players and team personnel. The fact that Hout hit the deck with remarkable aplomb (yes, aplomb).
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Hello loyal readers! You’re probably wondering where I’ve been the past few days. Thank you for your concern, but no need to worry. Truth is, I’m on a Caribbean cruise and have been without phone and internet service until today.
At around 3:15 AM PST this morning (6:15 AM ship time, 7:15 AM local time), our cruise ship entered U.S. waters for the first time and T-Mobile came back to life on my phone. I was inundated with five days worth of texts and finally found out about Cliff Lee and Jake Locker and all the other stuff that’s been going on in the real world.
But before I touch on that, let me commend the United States of America for taking control of the isle of St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. Were it not for St. Thomas, where we’re docked today, I would not be in touch with you now. So way to go, U.S.A. Good work, there.
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Back in February, our Dawg Pack Dirt correspondents, Nate Taggart and Aaron Bean, unearthed this gem featuring Arizona State basketball player Jerren Shipp in the same frame as a bong and a transvestite.
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You wouldn’t expect a guy who takes a creepy photo of himself in a hot tub to be a scumbag, but alas, Nikola Dragovic is exactly that.
Dragovic, a 21-year-old senior forward on the UCLA basketball team, endured the type of year that most college athletes can only dream about. And by dream I mean nightmare.
About a year ago, Dragovic was arrested at his Los Angeles home in a domestic dispute involving his girlfriend (or then-girlfriend, if she was smart and didn’t run back to him, Rihanna style). He was taken into custody, posted $20,000 bail (Where are you getting your money, dude?), and was reinstated to the basketball program days later by head coach Ben Howland. Howland even went so far as to call Dragovic a ‘great kid’ in the aftermath of his incarceration.
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If you’ve ever been hit in the testicles, you likely join me in applauding the heroics of Seattle Mariners’ third baseman Adrian Beltre.
A warrior in every sense of the word, Beltre endured the most painful of injuries earlier this year when a ground ball struck him directly in the man area. Not one to succumb to physical calamity, Beltre shrugged off the damage like a bad cough and continued playing in the game, unaware that he was suffering from a lacerated, bleeding testicle. Wow, just wow.
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The New York Post printed this list of text messages between Tiger Woods and one of his mistresses today.
If you read these messages not knowing who was behind them, you’d assume it was a high school couple. Alas, it is one of the greatest athletes in the world, and until two weeks ago, one of the most private men in America.
Among the greatest lines in this running commentary is this gem:
‘Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn’t sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)
Tiger: Because I’m blasian :)’
Ah, fantastic. Good times.
What the hell is going on with Randy Moss and his facial hair?
Moss is starting to resemble the shady-looking guy that sits outside your favorite 7-11 with a change cup, only scarier. The kind of scary that makes you 99% sure he committed a serious felony, yet somehow managed to escape the law.
I fully expect to see Moss scrapping for a pizza on the next Bum Fights release. You know, with the ‘holla, holla, holla’ dude from Chappelle’s Show.
According to a few sources, the Mariners have signed outfielder Corey Patterson to a minor-league deal. Whatever. Unless his name is John Lackey or Jason Bay, you might as well not announce it because no one cares.
Oh sure, a few of the diehard sabermetros might be wetting their pants right now over the thought of a has-been, former top prospect in a Mariners uni, but I’m not. Corey Patterson is the Oliver Miller of Major League Baseball. A product of ridiculous prognostications, and, in turn, ridiculously unfulfilled potential.
I remember when Patterson was coming up through the Cubs’ system in the late-’90s and he was God. Seriously, everyone loved him. He was Macauley Culkin in Home Alone. His rookie card was worth like two or three lunches, and ‘experts’ were calling him the next Ken Griffey, Jr. You know, aside from the fact that Patterson is about six inches shorter than Junior, is so-so in the field, and can’t hit home runs. Ten years later, Patterson is still Macauley Culkin. Only now he’s grown-up, creepy weird Macauley Culkin.
This move is nothing more than the Chris Shelton signing was a year ago. Shelton was another dude they took a shot on and barely afforded an opportunity to. He became minor league filler material, a roster spot in a Rainiers jersey. That’s what I see Patterson becoming, assuming Patterson wants to stick around to ride a bus and stay in cheap motels.
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Thought about going with “NCAA Probing Tennessee’s Hostesses,” but ESPN already alluded to that in their article.
Yeah so anyways, the University of Tennessee is employing female students to attract high school recruits to the football program. I think they call that ‘robbing the cradle.’
It’s not like this is anything unprecedented. We saw it go down in uncensored fashion in He Got Game. This kind of thing happens everywhere.
I’d imagine, however, that it puts things into perspective for the females in question when they’re labeled ‘hostesses.’ They likely see themselves as jersey-chasing fans of the football program, out to catch an athlete and secure a future with an accidental pregnancy. The NCAA doesn’t see it that way, though. They view them as escorts, ladies of the evening, harlots, sex objects.
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In an effort to preserve the family atmosphere at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners have announced that newly signed free agent Chone Figgins will have his first name censored in and around the ballpark.
“We strive to create an atmosphere that is appropriate for all ages at Safeco Field,” said a statement issued by the team. “Because of that, we will be referring to Mr. Figgins as ‘Joseph David Figgins’ during his tenure with the ballclub. We wanted to go with a nice, Biblical name that everyone would approve of.”
The team cited the spelling of Figgins’ first name as the reason for the change. Despite the fact that his name is pronounced “Shawn,” the confusing arrangement of letters often misleads people into pronouncing it as it looks, Chone.
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Most experts seem to think that Jake Locker has already played his final game for the University of Washington football program. A surefire first-round pick at quarterback, Locker would undoubtedly earn millions of dollars were he to turn pro in time for the 2010 NFL Draft.
Me, however, I tend to disagree. I think Locker sticks around for his senior season on Montlake. You could make the argument that he’s better off leaving early for the NFL, but I’m here to tell you why the Huskies’ signal-caller will be back under center next fall.
1. Ready or not?
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Michael Scott
You all know Michael Scott. He’s the character played by Steve Carell on NBC’s The Office. The regional manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin — a failing paper company — Scott is an oblivious egocentric who has few friends, a failed love life, little power within his company, an inflated sense of self-worth, and is willing to do anything and everything to get people to like him. Including lying.
Over the course of The Office’s six seasons, Scott has perpetuated his image by promising (and failing to deliver upon) surprises and raises to his subordinates, and most recently pledging the cost of college tuition to an entire group of teenagers, only to realize he barely had enough money to cover one individual’s books. And so it goes for Michael Scott.
That said, it’s not often that we find ourselves a real-life Michael Scott in the everyday world. Enter Brandt Andersen, owner of the NBA Developmental League’s Utah Flash.
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Ah, Facebook. You have to love it. It’s the only place where you can create outlandish fan pages, groups, and profiles, and then invite other people to share in your creation. And thus we have the “LeBron James to the Timberwolves 2010″ Facebook group.
I was checking Seattle Sportsnet’s Facebook profile this morning when I came across an invitation to join the LeBron-Timberwolves group. I was about to decline the invitation, based on relevance, when I paused and thought twice about the issue.
First, what are the odds that LeBron actually signs with Minnesota in the summer of 2010? I’d say somewhere around one-in-a-billion. Maybe one-in-a-trillion. King James will become a Timberwolf (Timberwolve?) around the same time that Rush Limbaugh fathers a child of Afro-Mexican ethnicity.
Second, why not root for the underdog? If LeBron actually did sign with the Minnesota Timberwolves it would be the feel-good story of the century. The lowly T-Wolves. Whudathunkit?
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Dawg Pack Dirt: Cal State Northridge
Volume 6, Issue 7, December 6, 2009
Special to Seattle Sportsnet
Well the first road trip wasn’t exactly what we had hoped for but the Dawgs return home Sunday hoping to get back on the right track. As always; come early, stay late, be loud, wear purple!
The Game:
-Cal State Northridge Matadors at Washington Huskies
-Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 7 p.m. PST
-Bank of America Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion
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Back in the United States after an eight-day trip to the Caribbean. Hanging out in South Carolina for the next week before returning to Seattle after Christmas.
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