For those of you who regularly check out the site, you may remember past posts in which I referenced my pride and joy, the Compton Honkies. The Honkies are my fantasy football team and a proud member of the Pearce Fantasy League. We’re known for our bad-ass ways and a penchant for winning in the face of adversity, at least until this year.
Though other incarnations of the Compton Honkies have found ways to win in 2009 (one Honkies squad even took home a championship in a Yahoo! league), the original Honkies organization has compiled a 1-12 record (soon to be 1-13, after our final game) in the PFL this year and is the first team in the league’s history to owe money on top of our $50 entrance fee (each owner pays $50 up front to play, then has the chance to win or lose money on a weekly basis based on various results, all the while competing for a much larger payout in the championship). In short, we sucked badly.
With that in mind, I typed up this “press-release” for my fictional ballclub and submitted it to our league message board, where it now resides. I’ve reproduced it here for your enjoyment, though I warn you in advance that some parts of it are rather crude. In fact, I’d almost guarantee that a few of you will be offended, but whatever. There’s not much going on in the sports world right now, and I have to entertain you somehow. You’re like a child, you know that? Anyways, here goes…
For Immediate Distribution
One year after blowing all our money on parties, hos, fried chicken, Kool-Aid, Hennessy, medical expenses (SPF 200 tanning oil for Kevin Boss, iron lung for Nate Burleson, vagina implant for Anthony Gonzalez, etc), extravagant team promotions (20″ Rim Night, Gold-Plated Grill Day, etc), and various team-related costs (a junior urinal for Steve Slaton, a can of Worthless Serum for Josh Morgan, a hitman to take out Brian Westbrook only to have LeSean McCoy squander the opportunity, etc), the Compton Honkies are officially bankrupt.
While the Honkies organization has been in financial disarray for some time now, it is only recently that we discovered we owe creditors more than $20 million in unpaid dues. By filing for bankruptcy, we intend to do what every other minority in America does and continue running up a tab despite having no money to spend whatsoever (except the Chinese, who would jump off buildings or blow themselves up before bringing dishonor to their family name by admitting failure).
The Honkies were hit extremely hard by the economic crisis in 2009, in combination with a 1-12 (soon to be 1-13) record, and in turn an all-time low in attendance.
It didn’t help that shortly before the home opener, a gang member performing an initiation ritual beat up, defecated on, and urinated on the team mascot before setting the official Honkies team flag on fire and letting it burn on the front lawn of a prominent white attorney who happens to make his home near Honkies Stadium. Of course, the irony of the situation is that R. Kelly was our acting mascot during the ordeal, so for many observers this was seen as justice rather than a blatant attack on the Honkies organization as a whole. We have never recovered from this horrible incident.
To help correct our financial inefficiencies, the Honkies have hired a Jewish man to assist in our bookkeeping both now and in the future. We found him at a Noah’s Bagels, where his previous job experience included handling cash transactions in a timely fashion, as well as adorning baked goods with creamy delightfulness. He’s 17 years old and is in the 95th percentile of his high school class. He’ll also act as our team representative in dealing with criminal cases involving our players. Because we don’t have anyone else capable of speaking to the police.
With 2009 just about behind us now, the Honkies intend on making 2010 a year of hope, renewal, and a return to prominence.
Yep, I think we managed to hit just about every racial stereotype right on the head in that one. That’s all for now. Good day.