Seattle Sportsnet

According to a few sources, the Mariners have signed outfielder Corey Patterson to a minor-league deal. Whatever. Unless his name is John Lackey or Jason Bay, you might as well not announce it because no one cares.

Oh sure, a few of the diehard sabermetros might be wetting their pants right now over the thought of a has-been, former top prospect in a Mariners uni, but I’m not. Corey Patterson is the Oliver Miller of Major League Baseball. A product of ridiculous prognostications, and, in turn, ridiculously unfulfilled potential.

I remember when Patterson was coming up through the Cubs’ system in the late-’90s and he was God. Seriously, everyone loved him. He was Macauley Culkin in Home Alone. His rookie card was worth like two or three lunches, and ‘experts’ were calling him the next Ken Griffey, Jr. You know, aside from the fact that Patterson is about six inches shorter than Junior, is so-so in the field, and can’t hit home runs. Ten years later, Patterson is still Macauley Culkin. Only now he’s grown-up, creepy weird Macauley Culkin.

This move is nothing more than the Chris Shelton signing was a year ago. Shelton was another dude they took a shot on and barely afforded an opportunity to. He became minor league filler material, a roster spot in a Rainiers jersey. That’s what I see Patterson becoming, assuming Patterson wants to stick around to ride a bus and stay in cheap motels.

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Thought about going with “NCAA Probing Tennessee’s Hostesses,” but ESPN already alluded to that in their article.

Yeah so anyways, the University of Tennessee is employing female students to attract high school recruits to the football program. I think they call that ‘robbing the cradle.’

It’s not like this is anything unprecedented. We saw it go down in uncensored fashion in He Got Game. This kind of thing happens everywhere.

I’d imagine, however, that it puts things into perspective for the females in question when they’re labeled ‘hostesses.’ They likely see themselves as jersey-chasing fans of the football program, out to catch an athlete and secure a future with an accidental pregnancy. The NCAA doesn’t see it that way, though. They view them as escorts, ladies of the evening, harlots, sex objects.

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