Seattle Sportsnet

*Editor’s note: This article was originally posted on November 6, 2009. You may have missed it, so I’m reposting it. I highly suggest you read it. It’s an amazing depiction of the real-life ridiculousness that goes on in my fantasy football league and my favorite thing on this entire website. Enjoy.

You’ve heard of reality television. This is reality dialogue.

The following is a real-life transcript from a fantasy football message board thread that spiraled ridiculously out of control. Going rapidly from football talk to an internet fisticuffs over a relationship gone awry, this script is the literary embodiment of a Jerry Springer episode.

The setting for our story is the Pearce Fantasy League, a fantasy football legion of 12 men in their early 20s who have spent years competing against one another in the pantheon of made-up sports, while simultaneously becoming friends in the process. I am one of the 12 members of this league, denoted in the transcript as “Alex.”

Though most of us are mutually amicable with one another, one-sixth of the group does not get along. In fact, these two people hate each other. Miserably. Why, you ask? It’s very simple. One individual, who we’ll refer to as “Gorman,” declared his love for a female acquaintance — who we’ll call “Laqueesha,” for the purposes of this exercise — who happened to be in an existing relationship with another male, “Thabo Sefelosha.”

Smitten by Gorman’s advances, Laqueesha left Thabo Sefelosha empty-handed and broken-hearted and ran off with Gorman. Ultimately, Gorman and Laqueesha would wed. Thabo Sefelosha, sadly, would never be the same.

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Funny, he doesn't look like a stoner...

Tim Lincecum got busted for marijuana possession. Big deal. At least he didn’t hurt anyone. Kill anyone. Cheat the game.

On top of that, the San Francisco Giants ace and Renton, Wash. native wasn’t even under the influence when he was caught.

He just committed a slight faux pas. Had his pipe sitting out during a routine traffic stop. Whoops. We’ve all been there. Not necessarily with marijuana. But other stuff.

Maybe your porn collection was discovered.

Maybe you told a fib to get out of going to the opera, then got found out.

Maybe you cheated your diet, got caught with your pants down, or let slip a four-letter word in front of your mom. We all make mistakes. We’re human.

Fact is, I’m cool with Lincecum smoking a doobie every once in a while. I don’t smoke myself, but I absolutely condone the use of marijuana by others. It doesn’t bother me. Smoking pot then getting behind the wheel bugs me a little bit. But smoking in and of itself is no big deal. Falls right in line with alcohol consumption and frivolous sex. It fails to register on my moral code.

Think about it. How many potheads do you know that have caused serious problems in our world? You never hear about a pothead committing a heinous act against society. You don’t see potheads holding up banks, kidnapping children, or murdering anyone. Crackheads, maybe. Needle junkies, maybe. Potheads, no.

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