Wise Guy’s Uncensored Thoughts On Life

Of course, the irony here is that Jon was caught hitting a 23-year-old.

Of course, the irony here is that Jon was caught hitting a 23-year-old.

Hi there, and welcome to Wise Guy’s Uncensored Thoughts On Life, a collection of topical musings on subjects ranging from sports to pop culture to everything in between. Because it takes a keen individual to provide commentary on such a diverse array of stories, we sought out the wisest man we know to discuss the issues that truly matter to us. Enjoy the wisdom.

In case you missed it last night, Jon and Kate Gosselin (from the TLC TV show Jon and Kate Plus Eight)  are finally getting a divorce and I couldn’t be happier. This is a victory for all mankind. We’ve been awaiting the spinoff series Jon Minus Nine for some time now, and the moment is finally upon us. Now all Jon has to do is date Madonna and admit to using steroids. In your face, Kate.

In other news, the San Antonio Spurs just acquired forward Richard Jefferson from the Milwaukee Bucks. This confirms what we already knew. That Richard Jefferson is arguably one of the 12 most boring basketball players in the NBA. He’ll look better by comparison alongside Tim Duncan, however.

In exchange for Jefferson, the Bucks obtained Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas, and Fabricio Oberto. Unbelievable. I don’t even think that trade would fly on XBox. Somebody get the Milwaukee Bucks front office a copy of NBA 2K9 so they can brush up on fair market value. The only real winner in this deal is Ray Allen, who gets to witness the demise of his nemesis Bowen in a market that Ray-Ray used to call home. One of the worst markets in the NBA, no less. Goodbye, Bruce, it was nice knowing you.

A man in California was sentenced to three years in prison today for stealing Lance Armstrong’s bike. This verdict comes just days after wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth was sentenced to 30 days in jail for killing a man with his Bentley. No words. Only justice.

The second installment in the Transformers movie series debuts today, and it’s being met by lukewarm reviews. Because we really trust the noble movie critics to tell us how good or bad Transformers is. Right. You gave Happy Gilmore one star, too, and nobody cared then, either.

Contrary to earlier reports, Dirk Nowitzki was not engaged to one of the original stars of "Planet of the Apes," nor the Beast from the TV drama "Beauty and the Beast."

Contrary to earlier reports, Dirk Nowitzki was not engaged to one of the original stars of "Planet of the Apes," nor the Beast from the TV drama "Beauty and the Beast."

Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is trying to cope with the disaster that is his pregnant ex-fiancee. The former soon-to-be Mrs. Nowitzki was sent to jail after it was discovered that she was more or less a con artist that preyed on unsuspecting rich guys. I’m thinking this kid that’s about to be born might have a rough upbringing. Hopefully the good folks at TLC can help him or her find on a role on Nobody and Kate Plus Eight (or nine, once they add Lil’ Nowitzki to the mix).

Speaking of the Gosselin family once again, can’t you picture how great the E! True Hollywood Story will be in twenty years? I guarantee you that E! is already working on the biography, with an ETA of around 2030. Get ready for fun!

And on one final note, Manny Ramirez begins his minor league rehab tonight on the road back from suspension for steroids. All this really means is that the good folks at JuanPierrewood.com are in their 14th and final minute of fame. And according to the hot stove reports, Juan Pierre himself may be on his way to Seattle in the near future. Sources have reported that the Dodgers and Mariners have been exploring a trade that would involve Pierre and Mariners pitcher Jarrod Washburn. Hmm. I’m all for a Juan Pierrewood sign in the left field bleachers at Safeco. Let’s make it happen!

‘Til next time, enjoy Bob Ley.

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