Admit it, the spark is gone. You’ve strayed from Fox Sports Northwest on those lonely weeknights, and you haven’t been back to Safeco Field since the opening series. You’re forgetting about the 2009 Mariners, and that’s not okay.
The M’s want you back, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get you. We’re here to help the team reel you, along with the rest of those straying fans, back in with a litany of promotions to get you excited about baseball once again.
Because Felix Hernandez bobblehead night just isn’t enough.
Inebriated Adult Baserunning Contest. Instead of sticking kids in size 16 sneakers and forcing them to run 360 feet while putting on ridiculous clothing item after ridiculous clothing item as fans enjoy the humiliation, why not get two warm-blooded adults plastered and have them do the very same thing? I think we’d all feel better directing our laughter at people our own size, and the entertainment value associated with this could be a hit on YouTube.
Naturally, we’ll kick off the event with a round of dizzy bat, to be played by both competitors.
Ichiro T-Shirt Night. The caveat here is that we’re not handing out t-shirts with Ichiro’s name or likeness on them, rather we’re handing out t-shirts that Ichiro actually wears. This accomplishes two things: One, it gives those hardcore memorabilia collectors the goods they’ve been looking for and two, it forces Ichiro to change his off-field wardrobe. That’s what we call a win-win.
Senior Singles Night. Teams all over the globe love hosting singles nights. You offer a discount on tickets, invite all the young, unmarried people out to the ballpark, and basically throw a huge party.
But what about the older folks? Unlike the youth of America, seniors have no central place to court other seniors. Twentysomethings have the clubs and bars that they can hit up every single weekend, if they like, in an attempt to woo partners. Seniors don’t have that.
That’s why we’ve created Senior Singles Night, where anyone over 60 gets in at a reduced rate, the alcohol flows like water, and the energy buzzes as our ancestors get their groove on. Sponsored by Cialis.
Foam Bat Night. Bat nights are a thing of the past, a product of a generation free from excessive violence and global terrorism. We’ve responded with Foam Bat Night, where each fan receives a Nerf baseball bat upon entering the ballpark.
At Foam Bat Night, we condone violence and even encourage it. Feel free to swing your bat liberally, and don’t be afraid to attack other fans as often as you like.
Unfortunately for children, this is one of those events that’s sponsored by a beer company or casino, meaning that only those fans over age 21 can receive the promotional item. Sorry kids. I guess that’ll teach you to kick the backs of our chairs, throw popcorn, and scream as loud as you can for no particular reason.
Out-race Security Contest. One lucky fan will be given the chance to sprint from the third-base foul line to the right field wall, all the while dodging security.
If the fan can reach the finish line before he/she is subdued and subsequently tasered by stadium authorities, he/she wins an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland, as well as a fotoball with Carlos Silva’s picture on it.
If the fan cannot reach the finish line before he/she is subdued and subsequently tasered by stadium authorities, he/she only wins the Carlos Silva fotoball as thanks for participating.
African American Heritage Night. You’ve saluted pretty much every Asian ethnicity to ever grace the planet, as well as Latinos, women, children, Canada, the United Kingdom, and God knows how many other nations. You can’t dodge this forever. And you can’t hint at the subject by giving it some themed name like “Salute to the Negro Leagues,” or “Jackie Robinson Night.” Nope, it’s about time you have a Black Power evening, call it what it is, and give the folks their due.
Red Sox Night. We’ll give you one special day to get it out of your system, then you have to back off for the rest of the year. That special day will naturally come when we’re taking on the Yankees. Thanks.
Super Soaker Day. What better way to promote a Sunday afternoon baseball game in July then by handing out free Super Soakers at the gate? We’re also cross-promoting Super Soaker Day with our “Wear White for the Cure” event. What are we curing, you ask? Does it really matter? Possibly erectile dysfunction.
Salute to Kent Night. A salute to our friendly municipal neighbors from the south. We’ll have cow races before the game and hand out free t-shirts to those fans who don’t have any.