Seattle Sportsnet

Hello sports fans. Recently, you may have heard certain Mariners commercials on your radio dial involving overzealous M’s fans and the voicemail system for one Safeco Field. In performing our due diligence to the community at large, we called Safeco Field and left the following message.

Hey Safeco Field,

It’s me, Seattle Sportsnet. Just wanted to thank you for the other night, when I penetrated your gates and serviced your concessions for nine innings.

I’m not gonna lie. The evening was intense. The moaning, the screaming….and that was just the twenty minutes I spent firing one out in the men’s room

And you may have noticed that in the fourth inning I got wood. Yep, Russell Branyan sent his bat flying into the stands, and like a champ I reached up and snatched that thing out of midair. Talk about a souvenir.

I have to admit, though, my favorite part of the evening was the climax. The walk-off home run by Jose Lopez in the bottom of the ninth was an explosion of success unlike any I’ve experienced before.

I owe it all to you, Safeco Field. Good times.

Florida Marlins rookie third baseman Chris Coghlan had just hit his first home run when he received the call.

“I’ve got your baseball. Bring me $10 million in unmarked bills if you ever want to see it in one piece again. You’ll receive another call with further instructions.”

Channeling his inner Mel Gibson, Coghlan screamed into the phone, “GIVE ME BACK MY BASEBALL!” before pulling a Liam Neeson and going on a killing spree in order to get back his most prized possession.

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