Seattle Sportsnet

Uh, yeah, you smell like corn chips and poo.

Sabermetricians. Ugh. It’s like Major League meets Revenge of the Nerds, except the nerds aren’t fun and they think they’re better than you. And Bob Uecker isn’t there to keep things interesting with the occasional witty one-liner.

I can’t say that sabermetrics as a statistical form of analysis isn’t effective, because in many cases it is (on-base percentage, for example). I just really don’t like the guys behind the numbers. Poindexters from Ivy League schools who lack the social skill to relate to other people, but can explain the value of a ground ball by drawing a diagram and involving advanced mathematics (and they say baseball is boring).

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Pick any pitcher in the Seattle Mariners’ bullpen and you can find a number of reasons why that guy is especially likable.

Sabermetricians drool over right-hander Shawn Kelley because the man throws strikes like a machine.

The casual fan can appreciate closer Brandon Morrow’s 100-mile-per-hour fastball.

Those fans who consider themselves cultured in the arts might worship at the altar of long reliever/spot starter/occasional closer/saxophonist/novelist Miguel Batista.

But I’m different. I like Roy Corcoran.

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